"Lord, give me the wisdom not to waste all of this!"

As I sit here tonight in the quietness of my house, my mind is skipping ahead. My thoughts are drawn to this very time in two weeks when Dusty and I will be checked in to the hospital and awaiting morning to meet our Maddox. I keep wondering how I will be feeling... what my thoughts will be. How anxious will I be? How excited, scared, overwhelmed, at peace will I be? I know this sounds ridiculous, insane probably... but regardless of all the questions, I know that we will be okay. The Lord, the Creator of this very child I think so much about, assures me over and over of that very thing... I will be okay.

Dr. Young just started a series a few weeks ago on the book of James. Honestly, it is one book that I really haven't previously spent a great deal of time in, but one that is full of "uncommon sense" (as Dr. Young says). As he spoke two Sundays ago, with a title called "Suffering Produces Character", all I could think of was this is meant for me. This is meant for right here, right now. And he began...

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

And then he said something that is written at the top of my Bible, and will hopefully remain etched on my heart forever... "Lord, give me the wisdom not to waste all of this!"

For some reason, we have been called to be Maddox's parents. We have been blessed with this child that doesn't conform to worldly standards of perfection or health. We have been given trials of a sort that I could have never imagined before that diagnosis day. And it would be so easy to ask why. Why us? Why now? Why this child? Yet, through the dark days we've walked, and the darker days to come... that is now my prayer. "Lord, give me the wisdom not to waste all of this!"

I don't want to waste a minute of the joy that Maddox has brought to our lives. Not a minute of the time he will grace this earth. Not a minute of time being completely overwhelmed by intense grief and sadness that I can't process. Not a minute of not "seeing the forest for the trees." Not a minute to be able to stand witness to the incredible blessing of His people surrounding us, loving us, praying for us, and ministering to us. I know it sounds crazy... like I'm setting myself up for failure... like it just won't be possible... but I don't want to waste this opportunity to love, to witness to others, to be a living testimony to God's faithfulness, compassion, grace and healing. He chose us for this, and if I'm going to walk through a valley of this magnitude, then you best believe I will not waste this. I will not walk out unchanged, lacking more than when I entered in. I have a long way to go to spiritual maturity, and yet, the perseverance to get up and continue on this road each day will bring me closer to that goal.

Am I saying that I won't be sad and grieving? NO. Am I saying that I won't shed immeasurable tears? NO. But I do know that the Lord is standing so close that I can feel Him and, like the Footprints poem says, I might not be doing the walking, but He is carrying me. He has held each tear I've cried in His Fatherly hands... and I'm sure the tears up to this point won't surpass the amount that are to come. But He knows my heart. He knows that I love this child, more than myself, and that I have already given his life over to the Giver of Life himself. Not because I don't desperately want him here with me, but because that's also what we did with Deacon when we dedicated him to the Lord. We gave him up. ...It's like what Abraham did with Issac, what he was willing to do in faith... and ultimately what God the Father did with his only Son, Jesus Christ. I can honestly say, without fear or reservation, that I know each life here on earth is not our own... and Maddox is no exception. Our Father has great plans for this child's life, whether that means him not taking one single breath here in this world, or that means 20 fabulous years of blessed time with him ahead. Either way, Heaven is still at the end of the road and that is the best promise yet.

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." James 1:12

Comments

Anonymous said…
Wow, that is good stuff. All of your internet "fans" are cheering you on. You girls who have walked this dark road have ministered to your readers more than you can imagine. Though the specifics are different, we can all relate to loss, grieving, questioning God, loving our children....your public processing of your private thoughts helps all of us as we wrangle with our own questions, and the integrity of your faith leads me to reflect on my own. May He continue to hide you in the shelter of His wings, and be the lifter of your head in the days to come.
Lori, a reader in VA
Jen in Al said…
Incredible! i am weeping with joy. that sounds like a contradiction but i think you know what i mean.... Praise God from whom ALL BLESSINGS flow... Praying for you to continue to feel the Lord with you with every fiber of your being.
Thanking God, jen in al
Julie said…
That was beautifully said. Another verse you could apply here is Matthew 5:4 "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."
I know God has and will continue to put people in your path who will love and comfort you through this difficult time. Thank so much for baring your soul in order to help others understand that it's okay to praise God AND to grieve at the same time.
Anonymous said…
I am going to make that my prayer as well....

Praying for your family today.
Emily said…
Woohoo, Amen sister girl. :)

You're so, so, so right. And it IS possible. You can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens you.

As always, the best is yet come!
Laurie said…
What a blessing to come here and read how your heart is aligned with Gods. Your willingness to be the vessel God is using for Maddox's little life, while all of the time, Maddox is in Gods safe keeping. Your choice to not waste a moment of this experience is truly Gods heart in yours. You have grown so much already that your life will never be the same. This little boys life has so much worth, the best is yet to come. I am praying for sweet time with him for you and your family. God knows exactly how much and I pray He blesses you like never before in meeting Maddox. I am praying daily for you and for your heart. James 1:2-4 has always been one of my heart verses when facing the unknown. It has always proven true for me. It will for you too. May His joy fill your heart today and always.

Love, Laurie in Ca.
Anonymous said…
Kenzie: Your prayer is so honest, so uplifting, so true. You remain in our prayers.
Jesse's girl said…
What profound truths you speak. I am in awe of your strength throughout all of this; and yet, it is like you said. God is close...so close, He is probably carrying you day by day. I know your hope and strength come directly from Him, and it is humbling to the rest of us. I'm praying for your sweet family.

Melody
Houston, TX
Anonymous said…
Wow! I stand in awe of your faith! Noone knows how they would handle being put in a situation like your own, but I would pray that I would be as faithful as you! I continue to pray for you and your family and your support system throughout this! Praying in Franklin, TN!
Dawn Morgan said…
These verses came to mind as I prayed for you today...

"For this reason I also suffer these things, but I am not ashamed; for I know whom I have believed and I am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day....Guard, through the Holy Spirit who dwells in us, the treasure which has been entrusted to you."
1 Tim 2:12, 14

Dawn from Carpinteria, CA
Anonymous said…
I'm so moved by your story and honesty. You don't know me, but I work with your sister Karli. She came to our book/prayer group a few weeks ago, and 11 of us have been holding you and your family in prayer ever since. We find you and your family amazing and will continue to hold you in prayer through all of this. Here's an image for you: As you rock baby Maddox, remember that God is rocking both of you together. Blessings...
Laurie said…
Dear Kenzie,

I know you are at the hospital right now and Maddox is on his way. Angie posted on her site for prayer. Praying right now that you feel Jesus' presence physically holding you and sharing His peace with you. Asking Him for a miracle flight for Dusty to be there with you. Also for your family to be able to get there and for safe travel for all. Begging the Lord to keep Maddox safe and to wait for his daddy. Your post last night confirms that you are as ready in the Lord as you can be, and rest in the knowledge that not one second of this experience will ever be wasted. Praying His peace that passes all understanding to flow over, under, around and through you at this very moment. He will bring you through Kenzie.

Love, Laurie in Ca.
Anonymous said…
Nathan posted for us to come over and check you out and here I am. I've not had a chance to read your story, but I am praying for you because God knows what your heart's desire.
Chelle' said…
Heard baby Maddox is on his way tonight. Know that we are praying for you here in Pennsylvania. I pray his arrival is "uneventful", his daddy is able to get to you quickly and that he is healthy and well upon arrival. God Bless you.
Magnolia Sun said…
You and your family are in my prayers.
Corinne said…
We are praying for you too!!!
Anonymous said…
In constant prayer...
Sherry
Johnson City, TN
I was linked to your blog from Nathan Lawrenson's site, after spending the last few weeks with Nathan and Tricia, watching them walk out their faith in our Lord, Jesus Christ, I have prayed more than I can ever remember, I have been so encouraged by blogs such as yours, people fully trusting Him in light of some very difficult circumstances. I am praying that He will give comfort in every way that it is needed and that you will feel His very real presence through this entire process. Know that you are being prayed for in Tampa, Florida. All the best!

Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to not harm you, plans to prosper you and give you hope and a future".
Anonymous said…
Praying for you all tonight. Found your blog through Nate and Tricia.
Andria in NJ
Anonymous said…
We're friends of the Lawrensons - praying for you this evening, for strength and the desires of your heart.
Andrea Anderson
mother of 3 from WT said…
I was referred to your blog from Nate's. I have prayed that God gives you strength you don't know you have and that you and your family will be a powerhouse for the Lord.
mother of 3 from WT said…
I was referred to your blog from Nate's. I have prayed that God gives you strength you don't know you have and that you and your family will be a powerhouse for the Lord.
Robin said…
Praying for you and your precious family. God Bless!!
Robin in Florida
Anonymous said…
Heard about you all from the Lawrensons. Praying for you right now.

Becky in VA
amy said…
Praying for you..

Im very familiar with trisomy 18 and spina bifida..

Thanks for encouragine me tonight
Anonymous said…
Referred to you from Nate's site: Praying for you... God only gives us the grace for the moment that it is needed. He will supply your every need!
Marcia said…
Dusty and Kenzie, Just here from NL's blog, not knowing anything of your family's journey until just reading your post of last night. Please know that I am praying for you tonight and in the days ahead. Tonight I am praying, specifically for you to experience God's peace in such a way that will be mind-boggling to you...and very evident to those around you and involved in your care. Knowing full well from your writing that you are completely trusting God to be in control and ever-faithful in supplying all your needs, I am going to be so bold as to ask Him, even now, to be working in Maddox's body to strengthen him for the birth process and to allow him to be brought safely into the arms of his earthly parents to be held and loved there. I'm also praying for Deacon, and a sense of security and safety for him in the confusion of the days ahead, when his little world will be undergoing some big changes.
Anonymous said…
Kenzie, I am praying for you, Maddox, and Dusty especially tonight. I pray you feel comforted, I pray Maddox is strong, and I pray Dusty gets there asap.

We'll continue to intercede with you.

Karen in TN
The Lenda's said…
Just read an update on Tricia and Nate's Blog (see Sidebar for a link Under praying for more family's) Tha you are in labor and your husband is out of town. Praying for you both as you are about to meet Maddox, praying God gives you peace right now. Praying that your husband is able ot be with you in time for Maddox's birth and that the Lord allows you both precious time to tell your sweet boy how much you love him and how he is an amazing witness for His savior.
Rachel in PA
Jane-Jane said…
praying for you in SC!
Anonymous said…
Praying.....
Anonymous said…
1/22/07 Praying hard for you and your family -- especially for sweet Maddox.

UNC NICU RN
Anonymous said…
Just found your blog from Nate and Tricia. Praying for you and your family. Thanks for sharing what God has put on your heart.
Emily said…
Lifting you up. Can't wait to see your boy! :)
Fear not. God is there, and will take care of you. I will say a prayer, tonight, for a safe delivery.
Sarah said…
Saw Nate's post about you. I'm praying for you right and your sweet boy right now. Your faith has humbled me tonight. Thank you.
Anonymous said…
I am praying for your family.We serve an Awesome God!
Bonnie Meyer
Washington, Missouri
Mandy said…
Praying for you right now. I will check soon to see how you are and how little Maddox is doing too. God is with you.

Mandy
GA
www.madelinegracehopkins.blogspot.com
Anonymous said…
Oh sweetie! I am praying for your family right now. I was privileged and blessed to know a little boy named Jonathan who also had Trisomy 18. He lived to be 11 years old even thought he odds were soooo not with him to make it that long. He has an amazing family and I will give them your blog address so that can possibly offer words of encouragment and hope. Jonathan worshipped with us nearly every Sunday and brought such joy to our lives.
Take care and know there will be thousands praying for you if they link up from Nate and Tricia's blog!
In His precious name,
A friend in Illinois
Anonymous said…
Praying for you tonight. God knew all of these details from the beginning. (We were directed here from the Lawrenson's blog.) We are so thankful that you trust our sovereign God.

--Kernersville, NC
Anonymous said…
I read about you on Nate's blog. We are praying for you right now as you give birth to this precious baby. We are praying that the peace of God transcends all understanding for you right now. That you can feel the strong arms of Maddox's heavenly Father holding you. So many are praying for you right now.
Jesse's girl said…
Praying so hard for your sweet family. I pray that Dusty and the rest of your family arrives safe and sound. I'm praying for the doctors and nurses in your presence tonight.

I cannot wait to see the pictures of your beautiful miracle baby!
Anonymous said…
Heard about you on the Lawrenson's blog. Kenzie, I will be praying for you, Dusty, and Deacon as little Maddox arrives. I am praying that you will feel God's peace and comfort as your husband isn't with you tonight.
Love,
Cathy
Jen P said…
Came to you from Nate's blog. Praying for all of you this evening here in St. Louis,MO, especially that you will feel every blessing of Maddox's arrival that God intends for you to have.
Florida_Mom said…
Stepping in from Nate's blog to pray for you tonight.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3 5-6

In Christ

Myra
lindsay said…
Praying in Dallas...
Tracy said…
I stopped by after finding you thru nathan's site-I am so inspired by your strength and absolute "love' for your unborn child and for the Father almighty!You are so very right about children are on loan from God and intrusted to us to care for and love here on earth-but ultimatley they are God's.Bless you all and know others are keeping you in their thoughts.
I will be praying for you and your family as the arrival of Maddox nears.
Tracy from Kansas

http:/pricelessjourney.blogspot.com
Agkirsch said…
I am Tricia's mom and I am praying with you.
This is the first time I'm seeing your blog and I'm so thankful for the words you've written. Thank you for the reminder not to waste every single moment that our Father gives to us. He has certainly been preparing your heart and although I cannot imagine the heartache, I know God is with you. Our prayers are with you. Thank you for your story.

Popular Posts