Anticipating Her

I'm not sure I have too much to say. I've been here, hanging out at the hospital now for about 10 days. I have constantly been oscillating between restlessness/urgency/anticipation and peace-filled waiting. Tomorrow, Wednesday, I will be 36 weeks, THE ultimate target I kept setting back in September when I was admitted at only 26. In those days I reminded myself over and over again, "I can do anything for 10 weeks"... and now that we're at that point... well, I have to admit that I'm thrilled!

Today was a day unlike most of the others I've spent here... it was a day of rest. (WHAT? you're thinking... ) My resting consisted of reading some scripture, and listening to music- no TV, reading or playing games, and not much time on the web. Honestly, I laid in the ever-comfy hospital bed for four hours straight drifting in and out of sleep, praying, and thinking about this last year while my Ipod cycled through my beloved worship music. Many of the songs that played softly against my thoughts were ones that brought me to tears. They were those songs that sparked so much emotion on our journey to meet Maddox and then in the grieving time after we lost him... Now those songs still resonate deep within me. They remind me of the precious hours with our second tiny son and often bring with their chorus' a steady stream of tears. Many tears today were for that tremendous sense of loss and for the sadness that comes less and less frequent these days, but, gratefully, intermingled with those were the ones of deep thankfulness, and restored hope. God continues to prove to be ever-faithful.

As we anticipate the arrival of our little baby girl, the child I prayed for while I was still pregnant with Maddox and the one that has been able to bring certain healing to a place inside me that nothing else quite could, I am filled with emotion. The trace amounts of fear and anxiety I feel right now are mostly overridden with joy, trust, peace and gratitude. ... As I look to the days ahead, I eagerly await the touch of Faith Clare's soft baby skin, the precious little face with eyes that will gaze into her daddy's, the tiny little fingers that will quickly take hold of mine, and the sweet lips that will surely get never-ending kisses from her biggest brother. This little girl will grow up knowing what a huge blessing she is to our family and will be raised with a love for the Lord and a knowledge of His saving grace. She will know about the sweet big brother that came to us just 10 months prior and lived for only a moment, but upon the Lord's calling was returned to Him. She will understand one day that each of us truly belong to our Heavenly Father and that He places a certain calling on every life, including her own. Goodness, she will learn so much in her time here, and will likely teach others so much in return.

I am so anticipating each of those moments and all the things we will learn together in the coming years... But mostly, right now in these moments leading up to her arrival, I'm simply anticipating her.

"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."- Zephaniah 3:17

Happy Veterans Day to all of our brave soldiers...
the men and women with us now and those that have gone before!


This brought me to tears. I can't wait for you to meet your precious baby girl...

I went home at 36 weeks, and walked around for a whole week of contractions before I had my little guy....I had an irratable uterus too. :)

We will be praying....
Emily said…
Great things are coming, sweet Kenzie. They're on their way. I love that you are enjoying the stillness and calm that precedes sweet Faith's arrival. What a beautiful, incredible blessing she will be. Selfishly, I cannot wait until the rest of us can see and touch her, too!! God is creating such a beautiful work in your family and I am so blessed to watch as He works.

As for Faith Clare? She's already teaching plenty of us far more than either of you could possibly know! So rest easy, listen closely, and know the best is yet to come. :)
Amy said…
I know that you don't know me, however I have been following your blog and your story for some time now! I pray that the Lord of Heaven and Earth reach down and hold you and your family in His warm embrace. I pray that you feel His presence through every single step of your HEALTHY delivery! I too will rejoice with you as you welcome Baby Faith into this world! Can't wait to hear the news!

In Him,
Cathy said…
Thank you for this beautiful heartfelt writing. Checking in daily for Baby Faith!
mama said…

I learned yesterday in a Bible study I am doing that God's people show work, worship and CELEBRATE together..and that after our test, our TESTIMONY should be shared! What a testimony sweet baby Faith Clare already has! I wish we could celebrate her by throwing a parade!!! I can't even begin to tell you how incredible God is for the way He is working in your life.. (but i'm positive you already know :)! Congrats! Excited to meet baby Faith!!
pam said…
What a precious gift from God. Young mom's don't get days like that and I've been praying that something amazing would happen as you waited. Special days with Him---SO COOL to read this post.
Sweet Friend it's good to hear from you. I come here morning, noon and night for an update. 36 weeks what a miracle in and of itself, when you first posted at 26 weeks I immediately started pleading with God and wow has he listened!!. It seems like much longer than 10 weeks to me, I can't imagine for you and Dusty how long it must feel. But...oh she is worth the wait....everything you described about her being here brings tears to my eyes thinking about your precious family and how blessed you will be to hold your little girl. Maddox will be with you every moment and looking down on you with so much pride that you have fought the good fight and held on tightly to his Heavenly father that he for sure knows so well. I imagine our little ones seeing Jesus face to face every day and how they must think "oh if they only knew how wonderful it REALLY is".
I miss you girl, can't wait to see you and look forward to meeting your new little one soon. I will keep praying.....with love,
Kenie - I have only posted once, but have been reading since your 26th week (and rad your prevous posts too). Your strength anf faith is such an encouragement to me and our similar but different situations.

I look forward to your posts to see how you are progressing and to gleem a little hope. Thank you for always posting what I need to see, read, and hear. You are an amazing person and I am praying for you, Faith Claire and your family.

Godd Bless,
Sorry for the typos! I just woke up. :-)
karina said…
Kenzie, thank you for your honesty and faith and for sharing it so openly with us strangers that feel we know you. This post gives me so much hope for my niece, and I pray one day she can be in a similar place. God is good, all the time.

love and blessings, Karina
Abbie said…
Wow... this post brought tears to my eyes. I continue to pray for you.
Anonymous said…
I've been a secret reader of your blog since your journey with Maddox. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us and I can't wait to see pictures of your sweet baby Faith. I'm praying for a safe arrival and for a healthy baby girl.
Prayers from MO,
Faith Mahoney
(heart mommy to Maggie Jane, my miracle baby)
Praying for you during this time of waiting and excitement. Praise the Lord for 36 weeks!!! I know how amazingly important that mark is in pregnancy!

Go Baby Faith... just keep growing and maturing those lungs!

Hang in there Kenzie
{darlene} said…
I just cannot wait for you to meet your precious baby girl, Faith Claire.

Clearly faith. Faith clearly.

I still cannot shake that thought whenever I visit your blog,and think on your sweet baby girl, friend.

We cannot wait to meet her too!!!

Just prayed for you,
Anxious AF said…
Im anticipating too! I cant wait to see the she is here post!
Of course your sweet Maddox's name was included in our little miracle list of names, that is just what he is and will continue to be.

Love you girl,
Look how far we have come:)
Andrea said…
Hi Kenzie-
I'm so excited for you - a great milestone on this long journey you've been on. How GREAT is our God!

Celebrating, too, the arrival of your niece.

Praying for your continued strength in the Lord and Faith Clare's health,
connie said…
It's always so good to hear from you, Kenzie. I understand the worship music, how it moves you, and was glad to read that the sadless comes less and less with time. I love you and am still praying, and loving God for hearing us, still. And I loved seeing Maddox's name in Jessica's list of precious babies; didn't you?
love, connie
Unknown said…

I'm having a weepy day myself for lots of reasons and reading your post touched that raw place in my soul. That place that says run to Him and He will get you through this day - the next and the next. His grace is enough and no matter where He has taken you or me or anyone for that matter - His love has gone before us.

I'm praying for sweet Faith's arrival and all that He has in store for her miracle life!

God bless you today and let those songs sing His love deep into your soul!

Many hugs,
Kathy said…
So beautifully stated, Kenzie.

Checking in regularly to see how you and little Faith are doing.

Prayers continue for God's timing for little Faith's debut! Glad you are using this time so very wisely.

Kara said…
Checking in on you today, and continuing to pray for precious Faith! Can't wait to see her.
Chris and Emily said…
praising God for such a sweet peaceful day for you and for the 36 week mark today!! Yea!!!
Anticipating sweet Faith with you!!
Devin said…
That is just so funny that you entitled that, "Anticipating Her." I am anticipating her arrival as well too!

It seems as though everything is finally coming full circle...and that this sweet one is your precious reward for walking through the dark valleys that you have. I hope that doesn't offend, that you understand what I am meaning by saying that.

God is just so good to give us the very longings of our heart, isn't he? Love you girl, and checking in on you daily. Praying even more than that...

(YOU DID IT, by the way! 36 weeks. I am so proud of you :) and thankful for God's goodness)
boltefamily said…
How funny! You won't be anticipating much longer girl! Waiting for Faith's arrival! Praying!

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