Happy New Year


That's what we say right? That's what we are conditioned to say, what we told Deacon to say to his grandparents and family, and what I repeated last night as I sat amongst my best friends... "Happy New Year."

And then, driving home from our gathering at 1:30 in the morning, my sweet husband leaned over and whispered "Happy New Year." I looked at him and simply said, "I hope so."

I hope with all my heart that it will be happy... that it will be filled with wonderful moments of great times with family and friends. I hope that it will be amazing and truly a year to remember~ but then again, of that I have no doubt. No doubt that 2008 will be one that I will never forget.

As Dusty and I laid in bed last night, I cried again. I cried thinking about these next few weeks and worrying about how my heart will hold up. I silently asked the Lord to remember us. I reminded Him that our hearts are fragile and pleaded that He won't give us more than we can handle. And then Dusty prayed outloud for us... it was the best prayer I've ever heard. One of thanksgiving and praise, one of specific requests and for working miracles, one that my heart cried "YES LORD" to as he thanked Him for our family, our time, our friends and this unpredictable road.

And then as we continued talking, we discussed our hopes for this special child we are anxiously awaiting and about our biggest fears~ mine now being one of time. And probably not the time you are thinking... time to let Maddox truly steal my heart. Time to get to know him and then have to let him go. Time to let his presence encompass all that I am and then watch as he moves from my arms to those of the One that created him.

Am I being overly optimistic? Maybe. Are these deep fears for nothing? Maybe. I guess in some way I have "prepared" myself for not leaving the hospital with him... for somehow thinking I will be okay with just that. And now, I realize that I might be placing expectations on what is in store for us- that somehow I'm not being open to what ALL the possibilities are. So as I pretend to prepare myself for each scenario, a new one keeps coming to mind. And so do those words- preparations, expectations, control. What I realized very suddenly the other night is that the Lord's specific plan for me in this journey is still in play~ relinquishing all of that (expectations, control, worry) to Him and simply surrendering is my job. This is the path He has me on and He promises to do something so wonderful in my days that I wouldn't believe it, even if I were told. (Habakkuk 1:5) So then what's expected of me should be simple- remembering to trust Him and let Him guide and teach me as we move forward.

As we are very aware, 2008 holds so many unknowns, but one thing is for sure... I will finally get to meet our sweet Maddox that we have been praying for and loving since before his conception. I will get to hold my second little boy in my arms after all of these months of feeling him move about inside my tummy and whisper to him "I love you!" So instead of thinking about the happiness of this "Happy New Year", which most of you know is simply a temporary feeling, I want to think about joy. The joy that comes from the Lord. The joy and peace that only those who have a relationship with Jesus Christ can truly understand. The joy that comes from knowing that through my deepest fears and pain, I still have the promise of Heaven. That is the JOY I am going to focus on in 2008.

And so what about 2007... as we say goodbye to a year of great joy and fulfillment and yet, one of seemingly dashed hopes and dreams? ~I will remember the excitement of discovering we were finally pregnant after it seeming to take an eternity. I will remember finding out at 11 weeks that they were 85% sure that I was having another little boy and that the doctor said, "If he reaches down and grabs himself, I'll give you at least 90%." Sure enough within minutes, Maddox didn't disappoint... and of course we all laughed. I will remember sitting in that same office 6 weeks later and finding out things didn't look good- that he definitely had spina bifida, and that they strongly recommended an amnio to determine if there were more significant problems to be aware of. I will remember feeling like my world was crashing down on my head and not knowing what to think as we awaited the results. I will remember calling my girlfriends over on that September Wednesday night without telling them why, but simply asking them to be there... all 6 showed up without question and sat there crying with me as I detailed what we found out. I will remember the amazing support, prayers and love that we received immediately upon people finding out... our family, friends, acquaintances, and complete strangers. I will remember the words of encouragement and the hope for getting through from my new-formed friendships with girls across the country walking a similar road to mine. I will remember the steadiness of my husband and the encouragement that he has provided to simply take each day as its own and to put all our trust in the Lord. I will remember all those little perfect moments with my Deacon as he continues to develop and grow into who Christ is calling this sweet little boy to be. I will remember it all!

So, goodbye 2007, hello 2008. I do think that it will be a happy one, but I will always choose for it to be JOYFUL.

"Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days." Psalm 90:14


Emily said…
Yes, sweet Kenzie, Joyful New Year is much more appropriate. The word "happy" takes on a new meaning, in situations like ours. Just suggesting we could be "happy" is a bit like a slap in the face, in that we can't remember what "happy" was... if it's the carefree type. But joy. JOY is ours for the taking. Take it. And know I'm praying that the JOY OF THE LORD WILL BE YOUR STRENGTH in 2008. Tell yourself over and over until you believe. Know that I've read your email from last night (first from the tiny screen of my cell phone and again just now) and my heart hears yours. I'm with you, girl. I'm praying you through. I keep asking God to just wrap y'all in His arms like only He can. And I can PROMISE you that 2008 will be your favorite. It doesn't make sense now, but I'm far more willing to say "Happy New Year" about 2007 than I am about 2008... for my sake. For yours? Put your party hat on because the fun has just begun. Maddox will show you... just you wait and see... he and His Maker have lots of joy up their sleeves for you. ;)
Angie Luce said…
Beautiful thoughts and perspective. May God answer each of the prayers being lifted up for you and Maddox. May He give you more than you ask for by giving you exactly what you need.

Love, Angie
Mandy said…
Praying you can find the joy in the coming months. God will bless you in this new year. Thinking of you often.

Shane and Devin said…

It is amazing what you can find in a virtual world. While blog jumping one day, (with the Lord truly guiding me, I know) I was brought to Copeland Farley's blog...then jumped to Mary Grace's blog...then to Poppy Joy's....Madeline's....and now to yours and Maddox's. I have spent hours reading your experiences, and hours crying along with all of you. I am a young mother of three healthy boys, ages 4, 2, and almost 1, and I just recently lost my 4th child to miscarriage. I have had trouble coping with our loss on many days....but have been doing so much better since I came to find you and these other families. Your stories have truly touched and encouraged me beyond anything I have ever witnessed in person, even though I have never met any of you. The strength you are showing in the face of such earthly opposition is very convicting. (I am going to be commenting to each of them soon, and letting them know all of this as well--I wanted each of you to know just how much your stories have encouraged and touched our family.) The Lord is revealing to me just how blessed I truly am--even including this miscarriage.

The thing is, I didn't know that I was so oblivious to that until this miscarriage, when all I could think of was, "Lord, why?" instead of focusing on the blessings that were right in front of me and realizing that my small little brain would never be able to fully understand His grand plan. You have helped the Lord reveal that to me, and I just wanted to say thank you. Even though I will never meet my fourth baby this side of heaven, I am so glad that I will some day know him. He will be whole, and complete, and it will be wonderful. Until then, he will ALWAYS be a huge part of me that I will never forget, but I will remember him with JOY, not tears.

I just wanted to let you know that I am linking your blog (and several t-18 others) on my own, and will soon be posting about how I have found you all, and asking my own readers to be faithfully praying for your family, and theirs. I hope that is okay. I will continue to watch for updates, and will be fervently and daily praying for you, Dusty, Deacon, and Maddox.

Joyful New Year to you!
In Christ's Love,
So Blessed said…
Praying for you...for the peace and joy that only He can give. Your faithfulness is a blessing to all who read your blog...may you be richly blessed for sharing your journey.
Jennifer said…
As I spent time with the Lord this morning I was reminded of this post. The Lord took me to the Romans 12:12 where He tells us to "be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.' I see you doing all three! I will pray that the Lord will encourage your heart to be joyful in hope...hope in His gospel, His promises, His faithfulness, His goodness...His glory.

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