The Beginning of the Road

As I sit here, I'm surprised that I ever decided to give this a try. A wonderful friend suggested that this "blogging" thing might be a great way to keep everyone updated on our journey to meeting Maddox, and the more I think about it, the more I know she is right! I am so thankful for each of you reading this and joining us on this path to meet our sweet little boy. I am so thankful for the friends that surround us, our families that love us unconditionally, and most importantly, those of you praying for us as we walk this road. I never imagined that we would be here, but the Lord did. He knew the path He laid out before us, and has somehow given us the strength to walk this winding, rocky, unmarked trail, still allowing us to be confident in His grace, His mercy, and His Son. "For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you." Jeremiah 29:11, 12

So how are we... really? you wonder. We are good. We are blessed. We have an almost 2 year-old if that says anything! Deacon has kept us busy with how active he is... He loves to play ball (any kind), play with trains, trucks and anything that has wheels. He loves wrestling with Daddy, reading books, playing outside and talking, talking, talking!! He has been truly wonderful these past 3 weeks with all the chaos and has really helped me to keep my mind focused on the here and now. We have so many things to be thankful for, regardless of the circumstances, and he is at the top of our list!

Of course our little Maddox is there at the top of the list too, right along side his big brother. I am 20 weeks along and he has been moving around a lot lately, ensuring us that he is doing just fine and that there is no need to worry. ~Well what do you say about worry, fear, anxiety, stress... all these things that now come into play. To be honest, I never seemed to fully grasp what real worry was until I was pregnant and now have a child. And I guess that's how it started... It's so strange to be sitting at a doctor's office assuming everything is "normal" and have them tell you that something is very wrong with your child. What do you mean wrong? He's perfect to us, and to the God that created him, and yet according to earthly, living standards, something isn't quite perfect. His head shape and spinal column indicate spina bifida, there is fluid already pooling in his brain, he has a heart defect, and the list seems to go on... His prognosis isn't good, 90% of babies with his condition don't make it to term, he will be considered a long-term survivor of this thing called Trisomy 18 if he makes it to his first birthday... And all of a sudden, in an instant, life is completely different.

Life is different in so many good ways- I'm thankful for each beautiful day with my family, thankful for Deacon's special bedtime routine, thankful for feeling Maddox move and seeing him on ultrasound every two weeks, thankful for Dusty being such a wonderful husband, father and provider for our family, thankful for feeling good, thankful for the people the Lord has put in our path... we are SO thankful. And yet life is different in so many other ways- I'm sad for the losses that I see in our future, sad for decisions we have to make that no parents should ever have to, sad for myself that I won't get to decorate a room, or nurse my child, or celebrate his major milestones, sad for seeing all the beautiful things in Deacon that I won't get to see in Maddox, and just plain sad that I don't get to bring home a healthy, happy baby when it seems like everyone else gets to.

Why is this our journey to walk? How does this fit in with my plan for how life was supposed to go? I don't think that I will ever fully understand those questions, and about a billion more... but I DO KNOW with full confidence that this is ours to walk, they are not my plans, and it IS from the Lord. He has entrusted us with this life to love and protect... and then eventually give back to Him. I am mentally preparing for that... but can you ever be prepared to let your own child go? Would Mary have said to the angel Gabriel "I am the Lord's servant... May it be to me as you have said" if she would have known all that Jesus was going to suffer in his death? It must have been terribly painful to watch, something that shook her to the core... and yet her son saved the world. She understood that although she was entrusted with this child, ultimately, he belonged to the Father, and he would eventually return to Him. Her son died so that mine, my Maddox, will live eternally. What an amazing gift!

...I know that many have walked this road before us, and sadly many will walk it after us, but we are so confident in the Lord and the purpose in all of this. God knew the exact child he was creating for us and He never makes mistakes. When I read Psalm 139, I can't help but think of this sweet boy we are expecting: "For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

Although this is the most difficult thing we have done in our lives, and it's just beginning, it seems to be something that is changing us, hopefully to make us more like Christ. We thank you for your prayers and ask specifically for wisdom in decisions that lie ahead, peace in the here-and-now, and confidence that we will walk this road faithfully. We pray that Deacon will constantly feel love, even when we are down, and that the time we spend with him will be very special. We pray that Maddox will continue to thrive and we will enjoy each moment that we get with him to the fullest.

"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1


Lynette Beard said…
Wow, Kenzie, you are an incredible writer! We are constantly thinking and praying for you.

Love, The Beards
Dana Jacob said…
As I sit here crying, I want you to know I am constantly praying for you. You are a strong person in Christ. I can see it in your words. What an amazing testimony you both are being for Him. I can't imagine what you are going through each and every day, but know that I love you and am here for you. God gave you Maddox as a gift for a purpose and I can't wait to meet him- on earth, or in heaven with our Father. Your sister in Christ, Dana
Smiths said…
The eternal God is your refuge and underneath are the everlasting arms. Deut 33:27

We love you and are praying for you!

Jen, Jamison and Grayson
Anonymous said…
What beautiful words you have written. God is shining through you as I sit and tearfully read what you have said. Thanks so much for keeping us all updated this way. You are a blessing to all who know you and even those who don't know you and will read this blog. We pray for you, Dusty, Deacon and Maddox daily.

Jeff, Melinda, Ainsley and Luke
Christa said…
Kenzie -
I am left speechless and full of tears as I admire your strength in the Lord. I love you and I'm here always beside you in this journey.
Love, Christa
Kathy said…
Thank you so much for sharing your heart with all of us who have and will continue to be praying. You are such a stong MOMMY and God is doing something big in your family. Please know that our prayers are often and will continue.

The Kirby's
Morgan said…
Kenzie- As I sit here reading this I am crying thinking about all of the pain you have to go through. It just doesn't see fair. We have to believe god does not give us anything we can not handle right? I feel so sad because you know how wounderful children are. Deacon is such a beautiful boy and everytime I see him I just want to squeeze him. The love I have for my own children I find feeling the same way for Deacon and Maddox. To think that he is so sick hurts me. I pray for you and the boys all of the time I love you unconditionally Morgan
Linda Roberts said…
Kenzie, Dusty & Deacon
I was so happy when Morgan let me know that you were doing this.
I had been wondering how you were doing every since Grandma called me.
Of course, I should have known since you know where your strength comes from and are relying on that strength.
We have been praying for you and your family every day. I have also put you on our small group prayer list. Each week on Tuesday nights when we meet we pray for you.
Psalm 28:7a - The Lord is my strength and my sheld; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.
Psalm 29:11 - The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.
May He continue to Bless you with His Peace and His Love.
Christine said…
We are with you every step of the way on this journey. We love you guys so much and are diligently praying.

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; Do not be discouraged. Deuteronomy 31:8

Much love,
The Chapmans
shannon said…
Kenzie, your words are heartfelt and precious. As I sit here, tears streaming down my face I admire you and the godly woman and mother that you are. We are here for you guys as you go through this journey...our thoughts and prayers are with you daily.

With much love,
Chad, Shannon, Gavin and Hudson
Carmen Pavez said…
Querida Kenzie:

Estamos con Uds. a pesar de la distancia.....
Confiamos en que Dios les de la fuerza necesaria e ilumine el camino de Maddox

Todo el amor de tu familia chilena

Kelly said…
Kenzie and Dusty, thank you for including me in your life. It is a terrible human trait that makes us take our lives for granted. Usually only in times like these where something so devistating is happening to someone you love do you open your selfish eyes and see how really good your life is. My heart goes out to you. I appreciate you sharing your life with me as always; I have learned alot in our journey together, thank you. Kelly
London Loves said…
Dear Kenzie,
I read this entry yesterday around 00.00 here in Chile, probably I was one of the first reading your blog but I wasn't strong enough to write back. You know it's very hard for me to try to give you some kind of support, considering our lives went in different ways because of the distance... but even though you are not longer in this tiny little country, you are still part of our lives, as a family, and you are still part of mine. I feel very attached to you for some reason, maybe it's because I lived a similar experience when I went up to the States, I guess this is kind of hard to understand for other people.

Now as I read your words again I feel very proud of the person you turned to and how much you've grown. Dusty, Deacon and Maddox are surely blessed having you as a mommy and wife, and I'm sure they are strong as you are that's why you deserve each other as a family.

My thoughts and love are with you, your family and Maddox...

Love always,
Francisca Sanzana
M Goldz said…
Kenzie, I don't know what to say. You and Dusty and Deacon are so awesome. I know if anybody can get through such a trying situation it is you and your family. You have such phenominal faith.

As I'm reading this at school and tears are rolling down my eyes, people are asking me if I'm ok and I shared your story with them. I hope that's ok. I know they also will be praying for you and your family.

With a middle name of Donald you know Maddox is a strong little guy.

They say God only gives us what we can handle...God KNOWS how strong and loving of Him you all are.

God Bless you all Kenzie and if there is ANYTHING, anything at all we can do for you - please let me know.

Love you lots

Aunt Mary and Family
Cristi Zuege said…
Kenzie, Dusty and Deacon,
I am a friend of you Aunt Mary's in Longmont. I hope you don't mind that she shared your story with me. I sat here crying for the pain you are feeling and yet inspired by your strength and your incredible FAITH. Little Maddox if a very lucky guy to have such a loving Mother, Father and big Brother. The love you are giving him through your upbeat attitude should be an inspiration to all! My you find comfort in your amazing faith, the love of friends and family and the power of prayer. I will be praying for all of you!

Love to you all! Cristi Zuege
Shannon said…
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.
Prov 3:5-6 (NKJV)

Since the day you were here and told me what was going on, I have not been able to get ya'll off my mind. Each time the Lord has put you on my heart I have lifted your family up in prayer. I will continue to faithfully!! You are SO strong Kenzie!!

Anonymous said…
Kenzie, such a tough path is given to you, and such a big heart and strenght you have had for carrying on with all this, I admire you, and I love you.
I hope you had read mi e-mail. We are all with you.
A big hug from me to Dusty. Deacon, Maddox and of course to you,

Jaime said…
Dusty, Kenzie, Deacon and Maddox,
I want to begin by saying how big of an inspiration your family is to so many others. The faith you have in God and the Lord above is amazing!! I can only image how beautiful Maddox is and how much he must be smiling as Kenzie writes such touching words. Know that you have so many prayers out there for your family. Prayers of strength, love, hope, and encouragement to fight. Also, know that no matter what happens we will all end up together in one glorious place, walking down a gorgous sunset... I am thinking of your family always,
Jaime Emanuel
Ginae said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ginae said…
Hi Kenzie, Dusty & Deacon & Maddox --
Kenzie - your writing brought tears to my eyes - it absolutely breaks my heart to know what you are having to deal with & I've come to realize that you all are SO much stronger than I could ever be. You have a tremendous talent at writing. I greatly admire your strength and courage in this difficult time. Know that I love you very much, know that my thoughts and prayers are with you all always. And if you need ANYTHING -- to talk, to vent, whatever it may be, be sure to call me/email me. I'm always here for you.
Love always,
Ginae (& Jaidyn, Rylie & Ryan)
Sam & Saint said…
I’m sure little Maddox must feel your love more than you will ever know. What faith and strength you have! You are sure opening all of our eyes to what faith is all about.
Thank you for sharing your life with us, it has to be very hard.
Our Prayers are with All of You,
Much Love,
Sam and Saint
Anne Frances said…

Reading your story filled my mind with so many thoughts and my heart with so much ache. How unselfish of you to share your heartache in order to also share His love and sacrifice with anyone who may need to be reminded. I pray for peace in your heart, peace in your family and a continued miracle for he already has a miracle in you...

Anne (a friend of your Aunt Mary's)
KerryMorris said…
Your family has already touched and will continue to touch so many lives. We pray that the Lord will overwhelm you with deeds of comfort.

The Morrises
Sherylkay said…
I will always keep you in my prayers Kenzie, I am so sorry that this is happening. I'm sitting here wiping the tears from my face. to know somone I care about so dearly your Aunt Laura. knowing here niece and family is in pain. Kenzie God has a plan. Both of you need to be strong for each other. Don't let this tear you apart Maddox is your gift from God. God is good all the time. Boomer and Sheryl Hazuka
Karli said…
Kenzie, as I sit here at work and think about everything you have said I can’t tell you enough how much I look up to you. Yes, you are my sister but also my best friend. Your strength and love for the Lord is so inspiring. To be totally honest when mom told me what was going on I didn’t understand why and how this could happen to such wonderful parents. I questioned God for letting this happen to two amazing people, but as I read your words of hope and faith I can’t blame or question God. I know that He has a plan for everyone before we are born and I truly believe that he doesn’t let anything happen to people that can’t handle it. Reading your words has truly inspired me to look at life and evaluate how precious it is. My love for my nephew Maddox is growing everyday, and I can’t wait to see him, here on earth or in Heaven. Dusty, Deacon, Maddox, and you are in my prayers everyday. I pray for strength, courage, joy, and love for what lies ahead. I love you all so much, Karli Hardebeck.
ginae said…
Kenzie - I was just in checking status of you & the fam - glad to see that you had written some more & thanks for posting the ultrasound pics. I had told you before you are MUCH stronger than I think I could ever be if faced with a situation such as yours - I mean it. I look at your writings and I am just in awe. 'Standing up for something that many don't understand, and walking through the fire' -- keep staying strong Kenz. Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about all of you. Love you, Ginae
bambi said…
The depth and purity of your love and faith is overwhelming. Please know that prayers are being said by my military support groups (Daughter in the Navy) as well as many church groups in Estes Park.

Ramona is a good friend and we have been praying since she found out.

I believe in the power of prayer and that there are those in the medical field who can share your faith and belief with you. As I was writing this the phone rang and someone from St. Jude's Hospital was speaking. Maybe God wanted me to mention this place.

It is the Saint Jude research center, looking for cures for childhood diseases. I don't have the contact info. now, but I trust that if God is asking me to mention this place to you, you will find it on your own.

You are a beautiful writer and I know your sharing is/will reach others who can benefit from your words. I have taken the liberty to send some of your spiritual references on to Mona and my military parents.

Miracles happen all the time. People survive the "unsurvivable". Hopefully, each case helps the medical profession, treat the next one. Only God knows what part of this chain Maddox will fall in, but I know he has and will continue to make his mark on the world and his process and your writing will reach out and touch others.

You have all made a difference in my life; I marvel that one so young can make a huge impact on the world. But only when the parents are strong enough to trust in God's love and let His plan go on.

God bless you and your family!

Emily said…
I know I just commented on another post yesterday, but when I read the last part of this post, I felt as if I had written them myself. Right here on a frame on my desk is the image of my Miller Grace and me, face to face, with the words of Psalm 139:13-16 underneath. What comfort those words hold! I am praying for you today.
Katie Walker said…
I know that you do not know me, but my good friend Sheila directed me to your website. I wanted you to know that I'm praying for you and your family, and for sweet baby Maddox. May God give you a giant amount of peace throught this and a great miracle healing foir baby Maddox! Take Care
Katie Walker
Anonymous said…
There is a wonderful spina bifida doctor, Kathryn Oster-meier, at TCH - Eva Acosta is her clinic coordinator, 832-822-4308. She will never use the L-word (lethal) about your baby.

Dr. Luerssen is a great neurosurgeon who operated on my baby's back (open at birth and needed to be closed) - Sharon is his sweet nurse, 832-822-3955. He does amazing work, and do not let anyone tell you that no one will touch your baby. It simply is not true.

Dr. Olutoye is a pedi surgeon (maybe for a g-tube, if you need it) - 832-822-3135.

I bet you could get consultations with these specialists in advance of birth (like particularly the neurosurgeon) if you called, to assure yourself they are on board with your hope for interventions if Maddox is born fighting.

A great NICU "fellow" (almost neonatologist) is Dr. Patel. You'd access him through the NICU. We just walked this way less than a year ago, and our little girl is thriving, because of the care we received from these wonderful doctors. I can't say everyone was optimistic or willing to do interventions - quite the opposite, sometimes. But you are correct to have hope. And apnea might be treatable (it is for our daughter).
Heather said…
Hello Stanfield Family. Kenzie, a friend of mine had passed along your story asking for prayer just yesterday (1/23/08). I am so sorry for your loss and no words I say will take away your grief. As humans we sometimes try to say the right thing that we think will help when really only God can provide that for you. I do want to say this...for some reason God put your story in my life. You have no idea how your faith and Maddox's life has touched mine. I have no children of my own nor am I married but the faith you have in our Father has moved me like nothing else. We will never know why Maddox went to be with our Father so soon but sometimes the purpose of WHAT God wants from us is missed. God has used you through this tragic event. All I can say is I am praying for you and your family but THANK YOU for sharing your story and most importantly your faith! I have grown as a Chrsitian because of you. My heart, my sympathy, and my love goes out to your and your family.

Popular Posts