Answered Prayer

As I sit here this morning, on what should have been the day that we were finally able to meet Maddox, I'm filled with emotion. In the back of my mind somewhere, it's hard to suppress some of the questions that have popped up... would he have made it a little while longer if he had 2 more weeks of growth? Would his heart have been stronger to make it an hour past delivery and not just a few seconds? And then on the other hand I wonder... would I have had to deliver a child that I knew was no longer alive? Would I have arrived at the hospital last night to a motionless sensation in my tummy? It's strange. I haven't spent a lot of time wondering about these things, but on this morning, on the 5th, the day that was marked out on our calendar and said "Time to Meet Maddox"... I allow them to enter my mind.

It's okay though. I know that I can consider those questions... with tears or without. They can enter my mind for a time because I know that it doesn't make any difference. It doesn't change the way that everything progressed and it certainly doesn't change the fact that I know, without an ounce of doubt, that the Lord's timing and mighty hand was over the entire time. The way I was at playgroup when this happened. The way I had someone to take Deacon home and someone to take me to Dr. Rowe's office. The way my friends jumped into action to help me gather things from home, call our friends, organize a prayer service, and be with me until Dusty arrived. The way we were incredibly blessed with three tremendous Christian nurses that cared for our every need and helped us plan for our time with Maddox. The way that Dusty arrived in record time. The way that my family was able to converge and drive 14 hours to be present in these life-changing moments. The way my mother-in-law was able to catch a flight and be with us within 7 hours after the phone call. The way I could feel my sweet boy moving until I got my epidural. And then... well, and then our precious time with Maddox. Oh, how the Lord's hand was over us.

Each of our 10 prayers that we posted and spent that December night in prayer over... each of them was answered... the doctors, the decisions, the peace. The other evening when I pulled them up and turned on Natalie Grant's "In Better Hands" (sung by Lizi Bailey of Matthew and Lizi at Maddox's service), I honestly couldn't believe my eyes. I sat there with tears streaming down my face in complete amazement. Each and every prayer request was answered in God's timing and grace.

I have such a peace because I know that although February 5th was the day we picked, the Lord picked a different day. He picked different ways to answer our prayers than I might have, but HE picked. We had absolutely no control over one thing that happened in those 48 hours. That is definitely one of the things the Lord has been teaching me and that is how we prayed... nothing left in our hands. No questions about did we do the right thing. No questions about imposing our will over the Lords. No questions... And there aren't any.

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”- Philippians 4:7

So as I wonder about today and what this day might have held, it really doesn't matter. I can think about it and wonder, but it doesn't change how our story goes. It doesn't change the unfathomable peace that strangely fills my heart. The peace that, through EACH OF YOU AND YOUR PRAYERS, has flooded our home. We are amazed... and we are so thankful. Thankful because each prayer lifted up for us has been heard and has blanketed us in this time of uncertainty... in this time that we would think should be filled with fear and grief and pain and sorrow.

But please don't stop praying! Don't stop because although we don't reside with those emotions right now, we still feel great sadness. Sadness over what could have been. Sadness over the loss of our sweet baby boy. Sadness over the mark this has left on our family.... Thankfully though, and by the grace of God, we still feel praise. Praise for being able to hold Maddox in our arms. Praise for the way we will never be the same. Praise for His mercy. Praise for His grace. Praise for answered prayers.

“Therefore, I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them.”- Mark 11:24


Julie said…
Still praying with and for you.
Zac and Jenny said…
Maddox taught many of us something... even us blog lurkers who have never met any of you in person!

The pictures of his face are so sweet and peaceful that you know God was shining through him.

I am thinking of you and praying for strength and comfort during these early days after Maddox's passing.
Bonny from SBC said…
i am still praying for you and your sweet heart still aches for ya'll kenzie. i love your picture at the beginning of this blog...Your baby Maddox has taought me several different things in my life right now and i just want you to know that. God bless you sweetie.
Susan said…
Dearest Kenzie,

I found your blog from someone else's. Not sure who asked for prayer?

I'm so glad I decided to stop by. Your Maddox was beautiful, just like your love for him and for Jesus.

What an awesome testimony you have, I know you will reach many with your great faith, great love and great devotion for Jesus.

I have a book I'd like to recommend, or if you would email me your address, I'd be honored to mail it to you. It's called; "One Year Of Hope", by Nancy Guthrie. You can google her name and come to her site.

She lost 2 infants, and this book is filled with hope, the word, and so much WISDOM, and comfort. I know it will bless you.

Just let me know.

Meanwhile, please know I'll continue to keep your precious family in my prayers.

One day I will get to meet your Maddox, oh how exciting!

Stephanie said…
i am so moved by you and your family's faith. we will constantly pray for God's hand of healing to keep your hearts peaceful.
milehighmom said…
you are a beautiful picture of the sweet mother God picked out just for Maddox. i am continuing to check on y'all and pray for your family. may blessings be poured out on you!
Emily said…
I've been looking at this little box on the calendar and thinking of Maddox for over a week now. What we have to believe is that January 23 was always meant to be his birthday, that God had a better plan. And what a gorgeous plan it was. I'm praising Him for your boy's life today and smiling a little as I imagine him playing with angels with Miller Grace and their friends. ;)

Through it all, God is good.
Jen in Al said…
Praying for you still sweet Kenzie! Praising the Lord with you! love your new picture with your blog title! Such a beautiful boy.... love and blessings, jen in al
Kim said…
I got the idea to blog from my cousin who is in Kentucky. Through her blog I ran across your and 2 other blogs who now share the loss of a Trisomy 18 baby. Until then, I had never heard of Trisomy 18. I have thoroughly been encouraged in my faith and belief by reading yours and the other 2 blogs. My heart breaks for you. I am a mother to 3 children and have been married for 10 years. Yesterday marked the 5 year anniversary of when my 12 year old cousin went home to be with Jesus. He struggled with heart problems, many surgeries and 2 transplants. He was quite a miracle and we all felt his life was too short. My husband wrote and sang "David's Song" at his mother's request. It's on my heart to share these lyrics with you and the other 2 mothers and hope that you may find some comfort.
David's Song
A family's kneeling by a bed,
where their baby boy's asleep.
They gently pull the covers tight, and kiss him on the cheek.
And then they close their eyes and slowly bow their heads to pray. And then with a whisper, you could hear them say;
Lord I thank you for this boy,
and for sending him to me.
Oh,Lord please protect him,
wrap him up in angel wings.
Hold him closely in your arms and comfort him with your peace.
Lord, I thank you for this boy and for sending him to me.
A family's kneeling by a grave,
where there baby boy's asleep.
He has gone to Heaven now,
and he's watching us as we speak.
Then they close their eyes and cry Lord, help us through this day.
And then there's a whisper and the Lord began to say:
Don't you worry about your boy, cause he's sitting here with me,
I will always protect him,
I've wrapped him up in angel wings.
I've held him closely in my arms and he's comforted with my peace, so don't worry about your boy, cause he's resting here with me.
Anonymous said…
I continue to keep you family in my thoughts. I know of a saying that seems to be appropriate for Maddox.

"Your first breath took ours away"

I hope you continue to find comfort in your friends and family.
Laurie said…
Sweet Kenzie,

I love those little feet! Baby feet and hands just remind me of Jesus. My heart got so warm as I read that all 10 of your prayer posted on that December night were answered. And so were all of the prayers shouted up the day Maddox took you to the hospital, and I know the prayers that continue for you from my home and so many other homes will be answered by the One who hears our every breath. I will never stop praying for you guys, and thanking God for the joy and hope Maddox brought to my faith. I will never forget your example of trusting God with every detail that was taken from your control, into His care. And most of all, I will not forget that this has left a wound that hurts deep in a parents heart and soul, and ask Him to lead you gently through this time. On my calendar is marked Maddox-13 days in heaven. He is in wonderful company.

Love and Prayers,
Laurie in Ca.
Shane and Devin said…

Thinking of you and continuing to pray for you everyday.

I still find it completely weird how hard things can be when viewed from one perpective, then so amazingly different (not EASY, but easier) when viewed from another perspective.

God has taught me so much thru our loss, and also thru yours....and I know almost for certain that I would not have learned what I did if these 'trials' had not been here to go thru. I would have never picked this for me (or for you either--I wouldn't wish losing a child on anyone, even despite the growth and knowledge that can come thru it) but I am to a place now where I can say, "thank you God, for what you have blessed us with, and the things you have taught us, even in the terribly hard situations."

I never would have thought that I could say thank you to Him for something so seemingly awful....and it has taken me lots of time, but I think I am almost there. I say, almost....I'm working on it. He is working on me.

Thank you for continuing to be an example of what to aspire to. The Lord picked an awfully special person to be Maddox's mommy.

Love and prayers,
Shane and Devin said…
p.s. LOVE the new header, by the way....those little feet that are running all over the place up in heaven! What a great thought.
Mandy said…
Still praying for you and the peace that you feel to remain strong as you grieve. I will check on you here often.

So Blessed said…
I won't stop praying...
and I think of you often.
AimeeMaier said…
Kenzie & Family,
I will continue to pray for you all. May God give you big hugs from above. Maddox is in heaven doing his thing & watching out for his family on Earth. One day you all will be reunited. What a glorious day that will be.
God Bless,
Anonymous said…
Oh, how I love to read your blog. It is never without tears flowing, tears of joy or tears of sadness. Your strength and character is of no surprise to me Kenzie. You are grounded in His's awesome to witness. My favorite picture is of Dusty holding Maddox, his sweet little body with what seems like a heavenly light shining on him....
Thank you for the honoring Maddox's life with your beautiful words. I have been praying for you and your family and will continue without ceasing.

May you find joy in unexpected places and peace in every breath you take.

Lauderdale MS
Heather said…
You experienced the peace that passes all understanding. HE has guarded your hearts and mind. What an answer to prayer, an unending promise of his love and provision for us. Hopefully soon,you'll rec'v the special pkg. I mailed you today. Blessings dear sister in Christ. Heather
Anonymous said…
Prayers still flowing for your family! May you continue to feel God's grace and peace all around you!
Jules said…
As I sit here, 9 months pregnant with a baby boy, wishing I could just have him "right now!" , tears are streaming down my face and I must tell you how amazed I am by your family. Your strength, your outlook, and your faith are inspiring. Maddox and Deacon are lucky boys to have such incredible parents.
Your presence of mind at his birth to take the pictures and video you took will serve as precious reminders of the blessing Maddox is in your life for years to come. Thank you for sharing, especially with those of us who only know you through the computer. My heart sorrows with you, yet rejoices at the opportunity that you will have to one day be Maddox's mommy in heaven... he will prepare a mansion for you and you will deserve it fully! God Bless your family! Julie in TX
Hi Dear Friend,
I love love love your new picture that heads your blog. Those precious feet - how I wish I could kiss Mary Grace's again.....
No matter how bad I feel I can not deny how many prayers were answered in our situations and I thank you for reminding me of that. I love you sweet friend. You and Maddox will always be a blessing to me - always!
Judy said…
Still praying for you in Pennsylvania!
Christine said…
I have gone back as well and looked in amazement of His answered prayers. All of them answered in His own perfect way. Praying for you guys faithfully.

Love you so much!
Laurie said…
Sending love, hugs and prayers to you today and always. You are in my thoughts daily and I pray for this road of healing you are on to be gentle and kind.

Love, Laurie in Ca.
Shane and Devin said…
Hey Kenzie,

Just me. It's late, but I felt like checking in on you. :-)

I wanted you to know that I have been thinking of you today, and praying for you and the boys.

Love as always,

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