Anticipation

My days all seem to be running together.  I actually have to look down on my little calendar icon on my computer to see what the date is as I currently live from one doctor's appointment to the next.  Well... there I go again... it's the anticipation.  I guess I'd like to say that in many ways this is so hard, this bedrest thing... but then considering all that we have been through this past year, it certainly isn't the worst... not by a long shot.  

For good or bad I feel like I have gotten in a routine of doing nothing. I guess for now we'll say that is good.  I certainly don't envision myself and my enormous Type A personality having a problem getting back to the cooking, cleaning, kiddos, errands, husband, cleaning, playing, dinner, cleaning, cleaning, did I mention cleaning (since my house definitely needs a good cleaning)... but right now that freedom to not do all the things that I really won't want to be doing later doesn't seem to be  bothering me as much as I thought.  It sounds okay huh? Maybe... unless you know me.  Maybe I'm just in a funk.

Lately I haven't felt extremely social.  For some reason I don't feel like I'm part of the living world.  I kind of feel like I'm in seclusion at this point, just as I was right after Maddox was born.  I feel like I'm trying to fill my days with a bunch of nothing and well, to my credit, I guess I'm succeeding.  Yeah, I'm trying to be productive with projects, but this nothingness is sort of nice... and sort of terrible.  What I really look forward to are my daily showers, when Deacon gets home from preschool and when Dusty gets home from work.  But then again, strangely, I look forward to the times when I'm alone.  I would love to say that that is when I do most of my praying, bible study, focusing... but nope, that is just when my mind is nowhere.  Is that weird?  I kind of think it is.

No worries... I'm not depressed.  I'm not totally overwhelmed.  I just don't feel like I'm much of anything.  I told a friend a few weeks ago that I just want to focus on being present in each day but sometimes I feel so detached.  Maybe that's what I'm trying to do as I read with Deacon, play with trains on the couch, do an occasional coloring project or pray with him.  I think what I suddenly just realized is that I'm just tired of living for tomorrow... so maybe the Lord has given me this time to just be.  Not to let my mind atrophy as it sometimes feels like I'm doing, but to just BE.

I haven't done a lot of be-ing lately.  Not in quite some time.

As I have reflected on the last 2 years, I realized how much I have actually lived for tomorrow without simply being present for today.  It's so sad really... always feeling like I'm looking to the next thing.  I guess it maybe started when I was ready for another baby.  I was ready for a second child much sooner than Dusty, really by Deacon's first birthday.  So of course that's where all of this began. Anticipating the "next big adventure"... By time we were both ready to begin trying again, I felt all the excitement of a new baby.  I didn't realize that would begin my "training" in the waiting game.  We tried for 6 months before we found out we were pregnant and it felt like a bunch of "hurry up and wait" as I longed to see those two pink lines month after month as my friends kept announcing second and third pregnancies.  Finally in July we discovered we too were pregnant.  FINALLY I felt I could move on.

Next it was the anticipation of finding out the sex of the baby... then in my mind, when he would be born.  Of course God knew there would be more steps involved this time around.  When we got Maddox's definitive diagnosis on Friday, September 28th, the world was suddenly a different color.  At that point it marked the anticipation of what was to come with his little life. The months of anticipating his arrival came to head on January 23rd of this year and oh how quickly that day came and went.  I felt thrust into the grieving-mode (little did I realize I had been doing that already for 4 months) and then the anticipation of getting past the pain and hurt... or at least it not cutting so deep.  As you know, we then quickly found out we were expecting again... on to the next thing to look forward to.  Now I feel like I'm in the "hurry up and wait" time again, for about the 20th time in the last 2 years.  It makes me so frustrated at myself.  I don't really understand why I'm not just living in the here-and-now... I want to be here... I want to be surrounded by the love and comfort and care that has carried me... I want to love my children, my husband, my family, my friends, my God... I guess maybe I just want to be out of THIS place.  It just feels so contradictory as I am so thankful, yet SO ready to LIVE again.  I mean, really live!  

My friend Rachel, someone who has been through so much too, mentioned to me in the hospital that one day I would look back on all of this and think, "wow, those were really a tough couple of years!"  I totally agreed with her as I said that we were doing great... that God knew what we could handle and we were just "doing it" and were stronger for it... Now I look back, realizing that even in the midst of it, well, it feels hard sometimes.  Some days it's all just difficult.  

I guess what I'm saying is that no matter what we are going through... whether it is the loss of your own child, the loss of your freedom to do what you want, the destructive nature of a bad relationship with your husband, your kids, your mom, the daily challenge of managing little kids  with your husband often gone, or unhealed hurts from the past that leave you feeling angry, overwhelmed or helpless... we can ALL still live in the present.  We need to focus daily on the blessings that the Lord has given us.  We, beginning with me, need to remember that regardless of the difficulties of today, we can still praise the Lord for His goodness, His grace, His forgiveness and His love in this very moment.  Tomorrow is one day closer to an answer, a solution, a decision, or an answered prayer... and quite possibly one day closer to that "something" we are each anticipating.  So, since tomorrow will be here soon... I'm going to keep trying to focus a little more on today.

"The living, the living—they praise you, as I am doing today; fathers tell their children about your faithfulness."- Isaiah 38:19

Comments

mrsrubly said…
mrs. kenzie,
your words spoke right to my heart! living for today. not anticipating tommorow. i really needed that right now, in the moment of my life today!!! sit back relax and enjoy these precious moments as mom alone, mom with Sweet baby Faith, mom with handsome lil Deacon, mom with Dusty and first and foremost mom with god. i been where you are. urging docs to let me work but i enjoyed my alone time after work. my mommy relax wind down time. your in a uncomfortable spot right now. in the rut of wanting to do and but CAN"T!!!! hang in there..god bless you and your family every moment. bonny
Sonja said…
Well Put,God Bless you and keep you and your sweet baby. Bed rest is never fun. Often frustrating but oh so needed for the sweet little one you carry. I will keep you in my prayers.

Sonja
Anonymous said…
Hey kenzie- that was awesome and so true! It can be so hard to live for today and ONLY today. It sounds like you have a lot of time to reflect and are making the most of it. I am sure some days are better than others. Thinking about you guys often and praying for you. Love, Jess
Jessica said…
Amen sister.
Prayres for you.
Jessica
Corie said…
I know this may sound crazy...but I get the "on to the next". I feel I have been that way for most of my married life and yet I don't think I fully realized it or excepted it until realizing my on to the next thing came to a screeching halt this time next year.

Kenzie, I love this post...I understand and I am praying daily (sometimes hourly) for God to keep me in the moment. Teach me for the moment and not let my mind be carried beyond this. I am praying for you. Altough we have never met, I sure have love "getting to know you" these past 8 months. You are a faithful women and I have appreciated you sharing.
Kirsten said…
Kenzie,

Now I know why I love you so much! We have so much in common. Living as a human being instead of a "human doing" is one of my biggest challenges. And yet, based on what we have been through, it makes sense that we would look to the future to see the sunshine through the dark clouds.

I feel like I'm in such a growth stage because of our loss; God is doing a lot in me. When I sit still it is uncomfortable because I am changing on the inside. I like to orchestrate change on the outside, adjusting to changes within myself is very uncomfortable.

I say all that to remind you that you are not alone in what you are feeling. This life is a roller coaster and what you have been through in the last 2 years has been huge.

You are doing an incredible job. You are an amazing wife, mom, friend and person. You have given so much love, support and encouragement to others. I pray that you will be able to rest peacefully and comfortably in the support others give to you on this part of your journey.

God bless you!
Kirsten

I wish I could give you a big hug and just "be" with you.
Me said…
Kenzie-- Thank you. Your post is what I needed. Also thank you for your beautiful comment left to me on my blog. I am not the woman of God that I would like to be yet, but I do know that I am just as He planned for me to be.

Take care of yourself. I understand just what you are going through. I spent 3 months on bed rest with my daughter and I understand those feelings. The only thing I can tell you is that my little darling came out strong and healthy. I hope and pray for yours to do the same. Trust me once I got off the meds we thought she would be born any time. NOPE--little buggar stayed in her nice warm cacoon for another 2 weeks.

I pray for you daily and hope that all is well. Remember that God has a plan and you are following it perfectly.

Blessing-Kathy
Laurie said…
Boy Kenzie,

I sure see another side of my life scripture being worked out here. "Be still and know that I am God." I truly believe that He just wants you to rest and incubate little Faith to full term. You are doing what He is asking of you and it isn't easy. But when you meet her, it will be so worth it!!! I understand your frustration and not too much longer, you will be living life to the fullest again. I will pray for you to be content as He works out His perfect plan in you. I love you girl and wish I lived close enough to come keep you company. Oh wait, you mentioned you
weren't feeling social:) I could just stop by each day and give you a big hug and not bug you. Take care sweetie, Faith is counting on you.!!

Love and Hugs, Laurie in Ca.
I find myself doing this. There is so much to fit into one day, therapy, tube feedings, school, that Im always hoping for the end of the day. This is my life right now, I dont want to hope it all away...Thanks for this post.
KrazyMom said…
I loved this post!! Thank you so much for the reminder we all needed!
Will's Mommy said…
You don't know me, but I stumbled onto your blog a month or so ago. I am so sorry for your loss. I, too, lost my son last year, but to premature birth. Nonetheless, I felt the need to post on your blog after your recent post. This is soomething I definitely needed to read today. Thank you for putting life and faith into perspective. I need to live in the present... not the past, not the future, but now. I, too, am pregnant again and am beginning to worried about every kick, every pain, every twitch thinking that I may be going into premature labor again, but I need to trust in God and have faith that he has a plan. After years fo infertility, 3 failed IUIs, 1 failed IVF and one successful IVF that resulted in infant loss, we are pregnant naturally without medical invention. I know this is God's plan for us and has so much in store.

Thank you for making me live in the moment. Good luck to you and your family!

Aimee
Jill said…
Kenzie,

One of my favorite books of the bible is Hebrews. Its theme is TODAY! If we walk by faith Today and listen for His soft voice, the Holy Spirit will do all we need to see the day through. We will walk in His will for our lives enabled by His grace. Empowered by the Spirit and conquering the pull of tomorrow. Tomorrow is the enemy's favorite place to take our minds. He wants to fill us with thoughts of tomorrow where we can act or be used by God. God can only use us TODAY! Today is where He wants to meet us! He wants us to leave tomorrow alone for Him to worry over. Plan to celebrate today!

Today My mercy is new. Today My forgiveness is here for you! Today My strength will rise up and carry you on wings of an eagle. Rejoice in this day which I have made for you. There is peace in that statment and joy!

Praying these words over you!

With much love and blessings,
Jill
Abbie said…
Thank you for writing that! I feel like I am constantly living for tomorrow, for next week, next month, next year, for the next upcoming big event, but I'm not stopping to enjoy today. To enjoy all the little things that happen and I really need to do that.
Brian and Karen said…
Hello. We do not know each other. However, I have been praying for you. As I read your post today, the Lord spoke to my heart to share this verse with you. I lost my husband two years ago and this verse has helped me through some rough times.

Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God."

I pray for stillness for you and a knowledge of God's awesomeness!

Blessings,
Karen :)
Iric said…
forgive me that I can't understand everthing you write. I should be more active in learning English!! I just want to say hi to you,and I will email you this Sat. I need to go sleep. Have a good day.
And, I miss you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Iric said…
Kenzie,
sorry,I don't mean I understand nothing. I just understand half of it. Hum, I extremely feel I have a poor English a moment ago. !!!!! -.- and , we will have an important English exam today. ...............
ann said…
your choice to actively
'do nothing' is just that - a choice. You are not doing nothing - you are choosing to be still and let baby Faith grow. It's a very active choice, and requires work and energy to sustain that level of calm and quiet. You are definitely doing SOMETHING BIG - growing a baby! Be blessed today!
The VW's said…
WOW! Awesome message! Thank you for this! You are so right about how often we forget to live in the moment! What are we waiting for?! We should just take the moment we are given and appreciate it!

I know there are things worth anticipating, but we shouldn't forget about today either! I really needed this today! So, Thank You!
Laura said…
I so know this feeling too..but have so loved learning just to be in the moment. We never know what is really ahead of us so taking hold of the moment is the way to walk in the full life God does have for us...all the while knowing He holds the future. Praying for you as you sit and be...praying for your heart as you anticipate another baby in your arms. You are a treasure Kenzie!
Devin said…
Kenzie, I so related to this post! I think that, truly, most of us do this without even realizing it. I am certainly guilty--I know that I do this so often! This was such a great encouragement to not miss TODAY! Thank you so much for this, and I will keep this specific need in mind for you as I continue to be in prayer. Love you girl.
kari j said…
You don't even realize how much I needed to hear this today, well, this week.
Thanks Kenzie, and thanks to our Abba for using you to relay it to me as a very important message.
love,
kari
I've been keeping up with your blog since before Maddox was born, although we've never met. Your walk with the Lord through true sorrow is an encouragement to me.
My 5 yr old little girl has significant, multiple special needs, and I feel as though I'm in a chronic state of anticipatory grief... it is becoming exhausting!

I was also on bed-rest with #2 for 23 weeks, and it was very, very hard. Your post was so true in every way about the ups and downs of bed-rest. It is so isolating!

I will be praying for little Faith so stay put and for your heart as you strive to live in the moment with this pregnancy and time for your family.

Hang in the Kenzie. Your friend was right, one day you will look back on this season and it will have a different flavor then.
-Patty
StephG said…
Tonight I stayed home from home group while my husband and children went. I'm not one to stay home, but I've been feeling "off". I can't pinpoint a reason either. However, reading your words tonight has reminded me that I have an amazing husband and beautiful children that I am so thankful for. I need to be enjoying them right now! Not trying to get through another day or even another hour. Enjoy the minute I have with my family because it could be gone in a flash.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, struggles and faith with so many people.

I don't believe I've ever commented before, but I've been reading for quite some time now!

Thank you! I will keep praying for you, your family and your precious love bug on the way!
Allmykids123 said…
Beautifully said.. God bless you for opening up your heart to us. We are all praying for you to find peace during this time of unease. Great blessings lie ahead!
Laurie said…
Just dropping by this evening to let you know I love you girl and am praying for you as you rest. I am in the moment with you:)

Love and Hugs, Laurie in Ca.
Wow, only 63 days to go. I bet you are bursting at the seams to meet your new little girl. Praying for you guys.

Heather
jebs_girl said…
You couldn't have put that any better. Living in the moment is much easier said than done when you have faced the obstacles you have over the past year. I think you are brave for admitting this and even more courageous facing this face to face and with God's help.
Sophia's Mom said…
Believe it or not, recognizing this 'rushiness' that you have experienced for a while is giving you tremendous peace of mind and just acknowledging it will give you (or is already doing so) the calmness to experience the now...We people tend to want a lot, it is one of those lusts, a sin maybe, that in the want we don't always realize that we have everything that fulfils us right in our hands. Have you ever read the Alchemist by Paolo Coelho? You can want to travel the world, and see miracles, super duper buildings, but at the end of the day, your happiness is right in your home...patience is what is going to be your best friend...because it is going to bring you to enjoy the joy of your children, your husband, your family, your friends, your neighbors, your beliefs...Accept the now for what it is...think big, but take just small steps towards your goal...the trip is more meaningul and fulfilling that way...I send you my sincerest and warmest wishes for good health for you and everyone in your family
Teodora
Laurie said…
Hi Kenzie,

Just sending you tons of HUGS here today and praying for you. May He pour out big blessings on your family today. I love you.

Laurie in Ca.
Walker said…
Amen, Sister!
((hugs))
Thinking of you today like every day Kenzie. Praying for you!
Love you,
Kim
Les said…
Thank you for that meaningful post... I am praying that this "restful" time will be a retreat where you can just dwell with God and let your mind process the past and refresh your soul. I love the scriptures that you leave at the end of your posts. So many times the Lord has used them in my life or to pass on to others.

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