Looking Back

As I was preparing last night for my plans today, I spent some time looking back over my journal that I kept after we found out about Maddox. I had seveal entries before I decided to try blogging, and last night as I read, I felt so thankful that I have those thoughts recorded. I want to share the first one in the journal, just 2 weeks after Maddox's diagnosis. I continue to see God's faithfulness through this story as He has been absolutely present, from the beginning to the end.

October 11th, 2007

So here we are… exactly 20 weeks pregnant with our precious Maddox, and 2 weeks after finding out that he has several “problems”- spina bifida was the first thing identified on the ultrasound. It was just an unreal feeling when they look at you and tell you something is wrong with your baby. This perfect little person that is growing inside of you… well, you’re now told that they aren’t perfect after all. To us he’s perfect, and to God he is perfect… that is why he was created as he is- with a chromosome disorder called Trisomy 18.

After the amnio results are officially back in, they tell us that this is a “fluke.” Even in all my emotion I know better than that. If God ordains my marriage and surrounds me with loving friends and family- what about this is a “fluke?” The Lord knew long before I was even born that this was a road we were to walk- this situation is especially for us. A test? Sure, why not? And I’m NOT going to fail. That is why we chose life for our Maddox Donald Stanfield- however long that life may be.

That thought is definitely hard- part of me, the selfish part, in some way just wants to meet my baby soon… more because I look to the grief and pain on the other side and I can also see healing, far past those things that are immediately in front of me. But as I rejoice with two of my friends who have just had perfect little babies in the last week and a half, I long to feel that normalcy, if only for a minute, of being able to hold my perfect child in my arms too. I want to see his sweet face… to have Dusty stand with me as we praise the Lord for our two little boys! I want Deacon to be able to see and hold his little brother, and to one day be able to look at a picture and see us as that happy family of four. My heart is so thankful, and yet it breaks every time Deacon asks “my baby?” His other little friends now have a new addition to their family and he wants one too. I do tell him “your baby’s name is Maddox” and we pray for him often. We pray for Maddox at night with Deacon, and yet, it seems like when I’m alone, I lack the words. I guess I feel like the Lord, who allowed for this to take place, is somehow big enough to know my heart and my prayers. And still there is something to be said about speaking them aloud.

I am tired of the waiting and the unknown already, and it has only been two short weeks. We could have 20 more to go! I pray in this time that the Lord will calm my heart and teach me to wait patiently on His perfect timing. Still, it seems a little ironic that I talk about “timing” when I am already looking ahead with this stark reality that I am going to have to let this child go… that I am going to have to bury my baby. Something about that seems so wrong… so unnatural.

But I know that one word, one whisper from the heavens can change all of this and make my Maddox whole and well. I definitely don’t doubt how big, how powerful and mighty our God is… but I also have to face reality and know that for some reason He might not, probably won’t, decide to change anything. My biggest fears reside in the time when he is born and Dusty and I have to make decisions for his care. Knowing his spine is already exposed and him having brain cysts, a probable heart condition, and the Trisomy itself… it all just sounds so terrible.

My prayer is simply that Maddox might know only love and protection from his family. I am trying so desperately to enjoy each moment of this pregnancy, just as I did with Deacon. I am trying to get to know little things about my second baby boy that I won’t know on earth. I love feeling him kick, knowing that he is moving around and reacting to those little factors that affect his body- what food I eat, how I talk to him and his big brother, if I push on him and he pushes back. He IS my baby and that will always be true. I love him unconditionally and need to be patient, taking each day as its own. That is how Dusty is doing it, and although I’m a planner and someone who often looks forward, I am going to love each day independently of the one before it. I will honor the Lord in my actions, words and thoughts. I will rejoice in my family and count each blessing in my life as beautiful.

"I will sing of the LORD's great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations." - Psalm 89:1


Cathy said…
Thank you so much for your post. Your thoughts are beautiful and your faithfulness is inspiring. I do think of you often and still faithfully visit your blog.
Cathy & Annabel
Emily said…
Amazing, amazing grace.
Chrissy said…
Such true feelings and emotions...straight from your heart. Thank you for sharing. Thinking of you. Love you!
You have such grace from God....You continue to inspire me.
Laurie said…

I am amazed at where you are now after writing this post almost seven months ago. This was no "fluke". It was Gods plan from the beginning and you and Dusty walked through this with Him with such amazing grace. You continue to walk this out day by day, showing us all the faithfulness of the One who holds you dear to His heart. Many blessings to you today Kenzie and Dusty and Deacon. Maddox is such a blessing.

Love, Laurie in Ca.
Vic said…
Your story continues to be an inspiration-

Although I have not lost a child I have been sick for 3 years and it has been a long road. I recently looked back on my own journal entries and went through to the time I began to start getting sick. Very interesting thing to do! Thanks for sharing your perspective and I am certain he knew he was loved.

Thanks for your inspiration!

Victoria in NY
Kim said…
Thank you for sharing this.
My heart breaks for your family's loss and I am also beyond encouraged at the faith that has and is carrying you. May God bless your family beyond all we imagine!
Anonymous said…
Don't you find it amazing that the hardest and most difficult seasons of life end of being the most powerful testimonies we have to the faithfulness of God?
Still praying for you guys. Are you and Dusty going to HS Beach Retreat? I was kind of hoping that Chase would get a chance to meet you guys while you are there!
petebon5 said…
kenzie, WOW~~1 word. through your testimony/blog posts, i feel like you have come in to my heart, sat down, and spoke of nothing BUT faith and trust and strength to me. i know this sounds really weird, but i am still strengthing my walk in the Lord. you see i am a newborn Christian..just recently baptised. i am so thankful that GOD has put you and other blogging friends in my path. so that i too shall learn of faith and trust and hope.
Michelle said…
Thank you for sharing something so personal. You are one of the most eloquent people I know. God has gifted you.
Andrea said…
It's so amazing, Kenzie, to see how God answered those early prayers...to see the consistency and sovereignty in them. Thank you for continuing to share these personal, sacred thoughts.

Mandy said…
Just thinking of you.....

Devin said…
"My prayer is simply that Maddox might know only love and protection from his family."

In my opinion, that's all you have EVER shown, Kenz.

Before Maddox came...
While Maddox was here...
And ever since he has gone to heaven...

All you have ever shown Maddox was love and protection. He sees. He knows how much you love him, and how much you always will.
Your thoughts were and are beautiful, a true testimony of God's faithfulness and your trust. Deacon and Maddox are blessed with a precious Mommy. I will be thinking of you especially this Sunday!
With love and continued prayers,
Christine said…
Wow! What an amazing post to read again. Answered prayers, seeing your unfailing faith and courage back then and what it continues to be. I am forever changed by your journey and forever blessed by your friendship.

Love you so much!
boltefamily said…
It is so amazing to see how God has held your hand and heart every step of this journey. Thank you for sharing so openly. You have a beautiful heart for the Lord and I have been so blessed by you and by Maddox!

Much Love,
Laura said…
So beautiful....thinking of you!
Susan said…
Hi Kenzie,

This was so beautiful nd deeply touching...

I know Mother's Day will never be the same for you, please know I'll be praying for you and your family.

Keep holding on to Jesus♥
Jaclyn said…
I am thinking of you as Mothers Day is tomorrow! Though we haven't met, you are a mother who has deeply touched my life.
I am praying for you as I know you will be missing your sweet son tomorrow especially.
Jen in Al said…
Kenzie, thank you so much for continuing to share your journey. Deacon and Maddox are blessed to have you as their Mommy! i am praying for you today...Happy Mother's Day, Jen in al
Angie Luce said…
Happy Mother's Day, Kenzie!! I am so grateful for you, for your friendship, and for your encouragement. You are one of the best moms I've ever had the chance to know, and I pray God fills your heart with his joy today!!
Chrissy said…
Happy Mother's Day Kenzie...you are a precious Mother of TWO!
boltefamily said…
Happy Mother's Day Kenzie!

Much Love,
Cathy said…
Happy Mother's Day, Kenzie and to your beautiful family.
CAthy & Annabel

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