Trying to find the words...
I can't tell you how many times I've been asked how I'm doing these last few weeks. Each and every one, well-intentioned and sincere. Usually the response is... "I'm good" with a smile, or "we're doing okay", so as not to come across as doing "too good". As I walk away, I usually think to myself... Did that seem fake? Did it look like I was trying to hold back tears? Was I too cheerful? Was I transparent enough to show how I really feel inside? ...And then I get that same question from my best friends and family... the ones that really want to know. (I don't mean others don't, but how do you share that with everyone?) I usually end up with something like "... I just don't know."
It's the complete, honest truth. I just don't know. I don't know how to explain it or make it coherent. Each time I try, I don't make much sense and I end up just sitting there, looking down and trying to find the words. There are just so many contradictions. I am good... but I'm not. I am so blessed... but I feel like a piece of me is gone. I feel so normal... but so out of my element. I feel like every other mom in the grocery store... but I want a sign on me that says "be nice, my son just died." I can laugh like I used to... but I cry like I never have before. I can feel like life is moving on... but somehow it is completely standing still. I have such a passion to help other girls suffering and grieving... but I am still walking through it myself. I feel like the Lord has overwhelmed us with His presence... but I can still feel so down.
I miss Maddox. I miss him so much. And yet, I think maybe I can finally say this now without sounding ugly or weird... I don't miss him physically as much as I miss him emotionally. I miss all that could have been. All that I imagined. I can't even say "would have" or "should have" been, because I KNOW 100% that "what is" is part of God's plan... but I do miss all the "could haves" of life with him. ...It's the confusion, the pain. It often resurges, as it did last night as I sat in a MOPS meeting. Last night a question was asked... raise your hand if you have one child? one and expecting? two? three or more? My hand immediately, almost without thinking, went up at one child... I have one here with me, I rationalized. Then one of my best friends leaned over to quietly remind me "You do have two children... you can raise your hand for two!" It was one of those moments that I just let pierce my heart. I do have two, but how do I do that the rest of my life? Do I get into a big, long conversation with every person that asks a simple "how many kids do you have?" I know the moments will seem right to share if needed, but in most cases, the answer will probably be one. But then I feel like I'm acting like Maddox didn't exist? Like this was all a dream... Am I allowing others to think that I've "moved on" when truly, I will never ever forget? Again... so much confusion... so much contradiction.
I really could go on as many things keep coming to mind, but somehow what I'm trying to convey is that through all of the lows, all of the questions, there are many highs and many more certainties. Life does go on and I am steadily, confidently trying to go that way... in a forward direction... forward where the Lord is leading.
Like the previous post, He has promised so many great things to our family. He has promised to love us more than we can fathom, to bring us peace and comfort, and to walk with us through these difficult times. He has promised to restore our hearts and to call us to Him when He is ready. He has promised an eternal home, but asks of us that while we are here, we live this one "sold-out" for Him. We knew, but through this now understand on a much deeper level, that life is so wonderfully precious... that each child brought into this world is a miracle... if health is intact, just that much more incredible. The Lord knew of these deep waters in which we would be swimming and I pray that He trusted in us and the character that we would display as we persevered in Him.
As I continue trying to find the words, I will share something I heard that might help explain where I am right now: "If I'm crying, don't have me committed... If I'm laughing, don't think I've forgotten." I'll admit that when I first heard that, I didn't think it was very "eloquent" at all... Somehow though, in trying to move forward, I feel it important to share with everyone.
We ARE doing well... We ARE laughing... We ARE loving life... We ARE excited about what God has in store for our futures... We ARE so blessed and so thankful... We ARE moving on... But, we simply haven't forgotten.
"Praise the LORD, I tell myself; with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name. Praise the LORD, I tell myself, and never forget the good things he does for me. He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases. He ransoms me from death and surrounds me with love and tender mercies. He fills my life with good things. My youth is renewed like the eagle's!"- Psalm 103:1-5
It's the complete, honest truth. I just don't know. I don't know how to explain it or make it coherent. Each time I try, I don't make much sense and I end up just sitting there, looking down and trying to find the words. There are just so many contradictions. I am good... but I'm not. I am so blessed... but I feel like a piece of me is gone. I feel so normal... but so out of my element. I feel like every other mom in the grocery store... but I want a sign on me that says "be nice, my son just died." I can laugh like I used to... but I cry like I never have before. I can feel like life is moving on... but somehow it is completely standing still. I have such a passion to help other girls suffering and grieving... but I am still walking through it myself. I feel like the Lord has overwhelmed us with His presence... but I can still feel so down.
I miss Maddox. I miss him so much. And yet, I think maybe I can finally say this now without sounding ugly or weird... I don't miss him physically as much as I miss him emotionally. I miss all that could have been. All that I imagined. I can't even say "would have" or "should have" been, because I KNOW 100% that "what is" is part of God's plan... but I do miss all the "could haves" of life with him. ...It's the confusion, the pain. It often resurges, as it did last night as I sat in a MOPS meeting. Last night a question was asked... raise your hand if you have one child? one and expecting? two? three or more? My hand immediately, almost without thinking, went up at one child... I have one here with me, I rationalized. Then one of my best friends leaned over to quietly remind me "You do have two children... you can raise your hand for two!" It was one of those moments that I just let pierce my heart. I do have two, but how do I do that the rest of my life? Do I get into a big, long conversation with every person that asks a simple "how many kids do you have?" I know the moments will seem right to share if needed, but in most cases, the answer will probably be one. But then I feel like I'm acting like Maddox didn't exist? Like this was all a dream... Am I allowing others to think that I've "moved on" when truly, I will never ever forget? Again... so much confusion... so much contradiction.
I really could go on as many things keep coming to mind, but somehow what I'm trying to convey is that through all of the lows, all of the questions, there are many highs and many more certainties. Life does go on and I am steadily, confidently trying to go that way... in a forward direction... forward where the Lord is leading.
Like the previous post, He has promised so many great things to our family. He has promised to love us more than we can fathom, to bring us peace and comfort, and to walk with us through these difficult times. He has promised to restore our hearts and to call us to Him when He is ready. He has promised an eternal home, but asks of us that while we are here, we live this one "sold-out" for Him. We knew, but through this now understand on a much deeper level, that life is so wonderfully precious... that each child brought into this world is a miracle... if health is intact, just that much more incredible. The Lord knew of these deep waters in which we would be swimming and I pray that He trusted in us and the character that we would display as we persevered in Him.
As I continue trying to find the words, I will share something I heard that might help explain where I am right now: "If I'm crying, don't have me committed... If I'm laughing, don't think I've forgotten." I'll admit that when I first heard that, I didn't think it was very "eloquent" at all... Somehow though, in trying to move forward, I feel it important to share with everyone.
We ARE doing well... We ARE laughing... We ARE loving life... We ARE excited about what God has in store for our futures... We ARE so blessed and so thankful... We ARE moving on... But, we simply haven't forgotten.
"Praise the LORD, I tell myself; with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name. Praise the LORD, I tell myself, and never forget the good things he does for me. He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases. He ransoms me from death and surrounds me with love and tender mercies. He fills my life with good things. My youth is renewed like the eagle's!"- Psalm 103:1-5
Comments
Just stopping by to simply say, I LOVE YOU, and I'll continue to pray for you and your precious family~
I posted before, I think, but in case you don't remember, I'm JEN, christian mama as well, to Mairi, born 12/04, and Catriana, stillborn at 41w, 1/07.
Once I had a complete meltdown after a cashier asked me how many children i had and i said one...and i didn't WANT to say one :/
Anyway, you are such an incredible woman of faith, yours has inspired mine, and I continue to pray for your family daily.
JEN
You have an uncanny way of writing about things just as I need to read them, of putting into words what I am just beginning to understand for myself...I am so grateful--and so sorry--that there you are on this road of along side me (another of these contradictions). And I am so thankful that you have such a gift with words.
Always in prayer,
Hannah
Praise God for your faithfulness!
Heather
I have been talking about so many of the things you wrote about today! Moving on = forgetting Moving forward= remembering and honoring your baby as you continue walking.
You are a courageous woman. There are so many who are cheering you on the journey...those ahead of you as well as those who are following you.
Peace to you-
Laura
What I do know is that you are not to be concerned about how others feel regarding your response to that question. I know that you are not to worry about seeming fake or appearing too cheerful. You are not to safeguard your answers to protect others from potential discomfort.
You are who you are. And Maddox is with Jesus. So when confronted with the question "How are you" from friends, family and or acquaintances... you will show yourself in your response sometimes with joy, sometimes sorrow, sometimes confusion but always with security in the One who calls you His own and holds Maddox close to Him until you're reunited. Whichever response you give however, is never to be considered regarding others... we are all strong enough to take care of ourselves. Right now and for however long hereafter... you need to take care of YOU!!!
Which by the way... we're all here to help you do that in whatever way we can.
**And as a sidenote- if wearing a sign telling everyone to be nice would help... I'll have that sucker printed up for you immediately!!! :0)
Hugs and Prayers,
Chelle'
With love and prayers for you,
Marlina
and praying........Love Jessica
I've missed talking with you lately. These words really hit home....I posted nearly the same ones after I lost our little one too. I can let go of what will never be (and, as you know, I know the pain that comes along with all the "what ifs?") but I will never, ever forget.
And we shouldn't.
God put Maddox into your life forever, he just happens to live in a much better place than we do for awhile.
I have the same trouble with the number of children question. You do have two children, I do have four. We always will. But, I speak from experience when I say that if you try to tell or convince people of that, most will not understand....until you walk this road, you just don't really get it.
But at the end of the day, what really matters is the fact that YOU and I know the truth :-).
Love you girl, and praying for you everyday.
Devin
It is so great to read your words! I couldn't have said it better and it makes me feel not so alone in this! Thanks for sharing! I am still praying for you guys!
Love you!
Kristy
Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep---life is a full package of both.
Wow! I feel like you just expressed exactly what is in my heart. It is a life of paradox in many ways. i cringed when i heard the question you were asked in MOPS. I know that my first reaction would have been to do exactly the same thing. But just like you wrote, God isn't letting us go. He is continuing to work, just as much as He was when our little ones were still on the way. I say amen to the verse you chose. He fills my life with good things. He ransoms me from death! Praise Jesus.
much love my sweet friend!
angie
My tears have been stuck for what seems like forever. But reading your second paragraph today just released them, and even though it hurts, it also feels like a relief. Thank you for sharing, for it seems I needed to hear what you had to say.
Sara
tabatham8@hotmail.com
www.minishfamily.blogspot.com
Wow. That quote is SO true.
I'm glad to hear that you and your family are doing well. Your strength is conveyed through your words and is definitely an inspiration. May God continue to strengthen you. =]
Love and Blessings, Laurie in Ca.
Kim
It was ten years ago in February when we lost our son during my 2nd trimester. I still keep his ashes by my bed. I still have the journal I kept when he was alive inside of me. A few months after we lost Robert Clay we became pregnant again. This time they told me that there were cysts on my baby's brain and that Trisomy 18 was the almost sure prognosis. I remember thinking that if only I could hold my baby this time for even a moment, it would be ok. Grace Anne was born healthy and a few years later came Samuel (we were told the same about his cysts on the brain, he too was healthy. There have been many hardships since the loss of our son, yet my darkest hours were the weeks and months after he left us. When my mother passed away from cancer, I was oddly joyful knowing that my son would now be in her arms. It gave me peace knowing that her heartache of leaving her grandchildren here, would be turned to joy in Heaven. I know that this precious baby of mine will be one of the first I take up in my arms when I finally go home. I look forward to meeting your precious little one too.
In Him, Joanne
p.s. I found you through my friend Chelle.
I have been following your blog for some time now. I am so glad you e-mailed me, how crazy is that! Just one of those God-things. I seem to be having a lot of those these past few months. I am walking this same road with you, my precious little girl went home to be with Jesus on Jan.22 of this year. This post says everything that I am feeling. I am right there with you.
Aimee
www.weathersfamily2007.blogspot.com
Praising God for His work in your lives (and my heart).
I love you girl. I have felt those same things and it's just hard. It's amazing how good you can feel and the very next second be in the tank - out of now where most of the time. And sometimes I can feel fine about a conversation with someone and walk away and wonder why I feel like poop (lack of a better word) and just want to go home and crawl in a hole.
We KNOW we are blessed, We KNOW God loves us and We KNOW we wouldn't have changed being Mary Grace or Maddox's Mommys, and we KNOW He will carry us through this - but that doesn't mean it's going to be easy. As long as we live here in this world - it's going to be a battle - but a battle worth fighting. We have so much to look forward to in Heaven now more than ever - our sweet babies are there and oh how I miss them.
I went to a camp this weekend with families who have lost children. This question of "how many kids do you have" came up. There are many different ways to handle it - one lady said she says - I have four and three are with us and one is in Heaven - and if it's someone who really doesn't care or it freaks them out - it's done! then one lady said - it depends on who asks her and if she is in the mood to take it further. I think I feel like I WANT to say I have three girls and one is in Heaven. But...you never know and I don't think anything you do will be wrong- just go with your heart and gut at the time. I hope that helps. Another thing...one night I asked Chris if anyone had asked how many kids he had and what he said (he started a new job and is meeting lots of new people), when he told me yes and that he said two - I understood but it hurt my heart that Mary Grace was left out - that told me that I don't want to answer it that way. Not that it's how you would or should feel!
You are precious and I love you. My heart hurts for you / us.
After Easter let's get together -
Love,
Kim
P.S. You are always in my prayers!
Nicole
PS. I love the music on your blog!!
I think that "contradiction" is a perfect word for this time of your life. Every thing you wrote makes perfect sense. I think death, more specifically our feelings about death, are just that: a contradiction. We are so happy that our loved ones are free from the pain and hurt of this world, and living with Jesus, and yet we are so sad that we dont have them living here with us.
I agree with all of the above commenters, who stated that you can only respond to hard questions or say what fits for you. Continuing to pray for you and your family. :)