Tears & Change

I seemed to have a few hard days last week... things just seemed so jumbled inside and although it wasn't a specific date or any certain memory, I was really sad. Things have changed... this experience has changed me, and as much as I want to make so many things the same as before, they just aren't.

Dusty and I spoke about many things one night.. about our love for each other, our love for our boys, our faith in the Lord, and about our relationships with others. As each has grown stronger through this experience, they have all changed. Through the strengthening of most all relationships, inevitability there is a period of shift in each and every one... something I didn't expect. While some relationships changed gradually, others seemed to change overnight. While some relationships have seemed to fade, others have blossomed to fill those spaces. It has been interesting, unsettling, exciting and scary all at the same time. Those relationships, those changes, seemed to be the cause of my tears last week.

As I mourn the loss of my precious boy, I also seem to be grieving over the way things were... The way things were when life seemed so much more carefree. Slowly I will adjust. But like Dusty told me that night... although we are forever changed, this WILL NOT taint each and every interaction for the rest of our lives. This unforseen road will enhance our lives, not detract from it. It is like any major event that changes your perspective and therefore, makes you more pliable in God's hands. So with that, we will honor Maddox's memory, we will praise the Lord for the blessings in this life, and we will look forward to those He promises in the next.

During those couple very tearful days, I read a page in the One Year Book of Hope (Nancy Guthrie) that encouraged me greatly. (Thank you Susan!) I know that tears are good, that God is loving me as I cry... but sometimes I feel weak and lacking in faith. This second day in the Brokenhearted section was wonderful.

Along with relief (of crying), there is also the uncomfortable loss of control that is a companion to tears, isn't there? Some see tears not only as a loss of control but also as a lack of faith. It is as if the physical manifestation of tears gives evidence of a spiritual deficiency- that if our faith was big enough or deep enough or developed enough, we simply wouldn't be this sad. It is as if we think our grasp of spiritual realities can erase the hurts of being human. But when you've lost something or someone who is valuable to you, when you have been forced to let go of a dream or live within a nightmare- that is something to be sad about. So let yourself be sad. ...

Thank you Lord, for keeping track of my sorrows (Psalm 56:8) and for filling me up when I feel so low. Thank you for those wonderful relationships that you have blessed me with and for using many different people to fulfill the needs in my life at this time! I love you Lord Jesus and praise you... for the good days that remind me of your peace, and for the bad days that remind me of your grace. Please gently remind me each day as I seek you, that your grace truly is enough. I pray that you continue to bless us and that you will steadily bring new life to this family.


"... This is what the LORD, the God of your father David, says: I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you..."- 2 Kings 20:5

Comments

Laurie said…
Kenzie,

How good to hear from you here and know how you have been doing. What a beautiful truth from the One Year Book of Hope. I have been thinking about you and checking in, praying for you during this new and difficult time of change. I am so glad you are blessed with such an understanding husband who knows your heart. I am so thankful that the Lord is gently leading you through this valley and never letting you go. His grace is sufficient for each day and He loves all 4 of you so much. Maddox will always hold his place in your family and I know that God is going to bless you and bring new life to your family. May sweet healing be yours as you trust Him with your broken hearts. Tears are so cleansing and He collects each and every one. I love you guys and my prayers continue for you daily.

Love and Hugs, Laurie in Ca.
juliekeefe said…
Thank you, Kenzie. I am seeking Him for you, Dusty and Deacon and praising Him for sweet Maddox. I pray those salty tears are made sweet...in His time.
Devin said…
Praying for you girl...you know I am. The Lord loves you so much, and understands your grief. I believe He expects it. Just because we cry doesn't mean we don't love Him! It is normal to grieve a loss, and He understands and will love you right thru your tears. LOVE the new blog design....:-)

Love ya,
Dev
Christa Mc said…
Hey kenz..
not really sure what to say - i never am.. but I do know that the shifts and changes are to be expected - no one could stay the same after experiencing this... Maddox has made a shift in so many people and all for the good. We love you.
Angie Luce said…
Kenzie,

I think that passage you shared hit it dead on. Things aren't the same, and when they seemed pretty great the old way, that's sad and hard at the same time. I know God gives us new and better things to replace the old, but I think it's still good and appropriate to grieve them.

On another note, every time I see Deacon's picture I wish he and Marianna could meet! I think they would make just about the cutest friends ever =)

love you!

Angie
Angie Luce said…
Kenzie,

I think that passage you shared hit it dead on. Things aren't the same, and when they seemed pretty great the old way, that's sad and hard at the same time. I know God gives us new and better things to replace the old, but I think it's still good and appropriate to grieve them.

On another note, every time I see Deacon's picture I wish he and Marianna could meet! I think they would make just about the cutest friends ever =)

love you!

Angie
Anonymous said…
Kenz- we love you so much and are always so touched by the words that you write. I know we don't always know the right thing to say or do, but just know that Brent and I are praying for you, Dusty, and our two precious nephews.

We know that God has used you to tell Maddox's story and how it has touched more lives than any of us will ever know. It is exciting to think of how God is using you for his glory. Hope to see you guys soon!

Love,Jess and Brent
Emily said…
I love you. I get it. I'm here. I'm praying. God's big enough.
Jessica said…
your words are beautiful, and they bless so many people.
The VW's said…
Kenzie,

"I love you Lord Jesus and praise you...for the good days that remind me of your peace, and for the bad days that remind me of your grace." This quote from you really touched me, so thankyou! We all need to be reminded that God supplies us with all that we ever will need!

Praying for you! May God give you the peace and grace that you desire today and always!

Alicia
KELLY said…
Kenzie,
Beautifully said!

BTW, I found your site through some friends at Second Baptist-West (we are members there, too)!
So Blessed said…
Thank you for this precious blessing...

With love and prayers.
Jess said…
Kenzie,

I just found your blog through 'Chelle's blog and - oh my goodness. You are amazing. I'm sure you don't always feel like it, but just going from the little bit I've read here, you are such a light for God in your time of darkness.
I love Nancy Guthrie, too. I just recently discovered her other book "Hoping for Something Better" and if you haven't read that one yet. It's great, too.
Hang in there, Girl. You are touching the hearts of many and God will reward your faithfulness to Him.

~Jessica
Susan said…
Dearest Kenzie,

You have the most beautiful tender heart. So passionate about what you love.

I'm so blessed you are enjoying the book. One day you may be writing one your self.

I loved when you said your husband said this:

... This unforseen road will enhance our lives, not detract from it.

Oh, that was so neat~

Still praying for you and your family.
nancyguthrie said…
Kenzie—

So happy to know that the book is providing you companionship on this hard road of grief—

Sharing your sorrow—

Nancy

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