I've been caught red-handed and called to the carpet.  It's funny that in less than 12 hours from when I posted about change, God had a message ready for me. He found me quickly and knew that my heart wasn't right.  I don't disagree with what I wrote and I won't delete it... this is a journey.  But, He knew that at the foundation of what I was saying there was discontent.

I truly believe that my longing, my desire for something grandiose, for some sort of change, is coming from something that He put inside of me.  I love giving and helping. I'm not saying I always do it well, or with a happy heart, but at the core of who I am, I love it.  I was modeled that as a child, from many that surrounded me, but mostly from my mom.  She's a giver and a helper.

I want to give to others that have far less than I... give money or time, life and hope.  I have always had a desire to adopt so maybe that will be one form we will explore in the future. But for now, I guess I have felt like I don't have much to give.  Of myself or financially.  And that's hard when I imagine something "bigger." The problem with that is I am focusing on what might lie ahead instead of what is right in front of me. The big lives I have influence over in my home.  And I don't need big change to make a big impact on today.

Without a doubt, life is GOOD! Great in fact. And honestly, the change that is around me and is happening to my friends is something that the Lord, and He alone, is calling them to.  It definitely seems pretty from my perspective, almost like a movie for many of them.  Oh, the places you go... but for me it seems like "oh, the places they go." And yes, it feels like I've been left behind.  In the dust. But that is envy. And my friends, in many respects, would probably say unjust envy.  It's true that you never really know what is going on behind closed doors and the grass is always greener... that is where I am. Or rather, where I was just a few short hours ago.

But the Lord, oh my gracious God, got a hold of me this morning to remind me of the path that He has ME on. I am on a path that is planned just for me. One not always filled with beauty or easy, but one that He has ordained.  And to many people, my life is pretty darn good.  I won't argue with that. Blessings of health, children, restoration, healing, marriage, jobs, a home... love.

So if the root of my attitude before was discontent, one that it hurts to admit, then I needed to be reminded of what God has called me to, in my home, at this time. And He certainly hasn't called me to be discontent, because my happiness and JOY should always be found in HIM. I don't need to focus on what is going on around me... just allow Jesus to be my focus.

Are days blending and sometimes monotonous? For sure. But, as Pam Thompson so beautifully reminded me this morning, my eyes glistening with tears, He has called me, each of us, to where we are in this moment.  He has called us to "bloom where we are planted." (Jeremiah 29) He calls us to acceptance of our current circumstance, good/bad/indifferent because it is likely to soon change, to disentangle from the minutia of daily life, to walk in forgiveness (culture, people, disappointments), and ultimately to be an example... to be salt and light in this world.

Like I said before, I don't want to be the girl looking back, but I also don't want to be projecting so far forward that I miss the blessings of today. Have we walked hard roads? For sure... and undoubtedly there will be more twists and turns to come.  But my job, as a mother and wife, a friend and follower of Christ, is to be reliant on Him and grateful for these moments.  Thankful for the blessings that abound and keep my eyes on Him. Apparently our family verse has not remained in the forefront of my mind and today was a solid refresher on not allowing circumstance to dictate my happiness.  Only that can be found in the One that has been ever faithful to me and to those I love... to all those HE LOVES.

Here are a few beautiful scripture examples of how the Lord blesses abundantly... in His timing for all we need.
- Ephesians 3:20: blessings beyond what I can even imagine
- Psalm 107:28-30: He sees us in our trouble, pulls us out of our distress, and takes us to our desired haven
- 2 Corinthians 1:20: a "yes" God in all His promises
- James 1:17: every good and perfect gift comes from above
- 1 Peter 5:6: humble yourself so that He may exalt you in the proper time

Indeed He sees all and knows all.  I continue to be blown away by His sovereignty and ability to speak directly to me.  I needed to be called out.  Called away from my restlessness and called to remember that only true rest, true contentment, can come from Him... in His timing and according to His perfect plans.  Lord forgive me again for my wandering heart.  I only want to want you!

"Be joyful always, pray continually, and give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus"- 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18  (The Stanfield Family verse)


Erin said…
Awesome and Amen:)! It's so great to see He cares about every thought and He met you right where you were this morning!
mama said…

I so LOVE YOU! Seriously, I am so grateful for our friendship because so much of what you say resonantes so deeply in my heart. I am so glad God speaks to you and I in the minutia and so glad to go on this journey with you (even through all the changes,now and yet to come). Both posts brought me to tears because I am so THERE with both of them. ME TOO, my friend... me too!
Tanya said…
Thank you so much for writing both of these posts. We are at different stages in our motherhood journey, but I often find myself feeling the same things. For the past 2 years (since Jack started kindergarten), I have felt lots of discontent, wondering if I should be doing something more. After dipping my foot into part time work, I'm not sure that is what I'm called to do. I often have to remind myself that, even though the kids are in school, my main job is still wife and mother. I just have to cram in all that mothering into a few hours each evening.

Thanks for writing so eloquently what I wish I could put into words! Love, Tanya
Edie Mindell said…
This post is very inspiring to everyone who reads this. I am one of them. I am deeply moved by the scriptures you had in this post. Truly God has plans for us in His own time. Thanks.:-)
Kathy said…
Your "season" right now is in your lovely home with your beautiful children. Kenzie, it may seem like light years away that you will be an empty-nester but it happens in warp speed. In that next season God will show you what He has for you.

When my children were small I had to work part-time but gratefully in a job I loved (!) at a free-standing birthing center. I also did (too much) volunteering at school, church, etc. One late night while folding laundry watching tv a movie was on about a mother and her very way-ward daughter. The mother said a line I shall never forget. "While I was out saving the world I lost my daughter."

In many ways I now feel fortunate that I grew up in a time when if you were "college material" (not everyone went) girls were pretty much either in the teachers line or the nurses line. Now we are made to feel badly if we aren't running a major corporation while raising a family. Don't buy into it, Kenzie. How you raise your children will make differences in the lives of generations. Business decisions may last a week.

You are walking the talk with your life right now and may never know how many women you have influenced and encouraged through this blog. Right now you are doing the Lord's work and you are being used.

You mentioned that you have lost several friends to other locals. I recently have lost a few of my closest friends who have moved to other states. I still live in the same house we have lived in for 28 years. I know how that makes you feel. Left behind. But we are not. God is with us all the way. Your future is bright but your present is brighter. God bless!!!
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