Recommitting

So this blog... it's tripping me up. I honestly come here, every day in fact, planning to write something, anything, and I feel like I have nothing. There are so many things that I want to say. Things about our life, about my kids, about parenting, about Maddox with our Lord, about my frustrations, my pride, my fears, my little joys and triumphs and accomplishments... and yet, it just doesn't happen. I can't really figure out why except that more often than not, lately, I feel like I'm just living day to day.

While doing this day to day thing, I've realized is that there is great joy in living in the moment, simply going from one day to the next. But while in it, I've also come to understand (and used to know in my former me, before mommyism) that it is also CRUCIAL to have goals set forth for future attainment. I love my life. I love being home to care for my family. But, I also want to set my aspirations on something longer-term. Where do we see ourselves at this time next year? Where do we want to be in 5 years? What are our financial goals and what do they look like in the next 10 years? What do we envision our family structure looking like? How can we grow spiritually? What does that growth look like? I told Dusty on our date night last weekend that I'm feeling like I am just keeping my head above water most days. I'm managing things at home, trying to spend quality time with him and the kids, collectively and individually... but somehow I don't feel like it's enough. I'm feeling like I want more... a little more organization, and planning, and follow-through... all on my part.

Sooooo... what am I going to do? I have decided I'm going to be more intentional. Intentional about my time, my day, discipline, cleaning... Yes, no doubt such intent is a LOT more work, but I also know it will be a lot more rewarding. I realized this a few weeks back when I started a new discipline book and it talked about speaking to the HEART of our children. Ahhhh, that's where it is. All in the heart. And being intentional is what speaks to the hearts of others. To the heart of my husband, my children, my friends, my family and quite possibly to one or two of you out there!

So that's it. This is me. Here. Now. I'm committing to being more intentional, starting with documenting our life here. This blog started for one reason, but can continue for many others. Maybe I avoided it for a while, not feeling that anything could compete with the journey we walked in meeting Maddox. Other things I have come here to write have felt cheap, and trivial. Virtually any emotions I tried to express seemed vastly different to those deep and intimate ones I shared with many of you and with the Lord during the sufferings and sorrow of those months leading up to Maddox's arrival, and after his death. HOWEVER, (and this is the kicker!) I have been reminded lately that they don't have to compete. This is our life. Our journey. The ups and downs. Trivial and tremendously important. There is sure to be some serious stuff, and with my kids, there is sure to be some silliness. But it's worth it... for them and for me. So here I am- recommitting to reconnect. I asked the Lord to walk beside me through it all and He has already committed to come. Will you join me??


See, even Faith Clare wants you to come!!
"I will walk among you and be your God, and you will be my people."- Leviticus 26:12

Comments

Laurie in Ca. said…
Sweet Kenzie,

Of course I will join you, actually I never left:) I love you and your heart and understand where you are coming from. I am with you and walking beside you. I love this picture of Faith Clare too:)

Love and Hugs, Laurie
StephG said…
You have just "voiced" my exact thoughts and feelings over the past month or so. I also need to rededicate my time to God and be more diligent in getting things done instead of just keeping my head above water.
On the days I am being diligent I see the difference in my house, my children, my family, and my attitude. I also need to be more diligent in my time with God. Sadly that has been lacking lately and I know it is what gets my day started off on the right foot!
Thank you for sharing and for encouraging me to get my butt in gear :)
Rob and Amy said…
So glad to see you back in the blogging world :)
Judy said…
Yay! Can't wait to hear more from you dear bloggy friend!
Me said…
I wait to see if your blog jumps up to the top of my blog list and I get giddy to see you there. Thank you for your kindness, I have learned a lot about myself and my relationship with God because of you. Kathy
Anonymous said…
Thank you. I can identify so much with what you wrote. I want to do more than just "get through the day". I too feel like that's what I do. I want to soak up every second with my children. I need to recommit because I am not doing so good with it now but some things that have helped me in the past are... having a "schedule" for the day. I know, sounds crazy with such young children but it has really helped me just to have specific time carved out for specific things 20 min for reading books to kids, 20 min for games like duck, duck, goose, 30 min for Bible study time while the kids nap, 30 min for coloring or painting, Yes, I even put in some tv time for the kids so I know I have some "me time" coming,etc. THen also to schedule in time set aside for cleaning and cooking and have a schedule for that too. Mon:Laundry, Tues:Vacuum, Wed:declutter papers, Thurs, clean kitchen floor, etc. Keep it to simple tasks that can be done in 30min or so. When I know that I ONLY have to Vacuum the downstairs today, i'm more likely to do it than if I feel like I need to "clean" and I can just do it instead of take forever to figure out where to start. Then I have done a menu for dinner,for 2 weeks at a time. So there is no time wasted trying to figure out what we're going to have, I know what meat I have to defrost, I plan according to what else is going on so if I know Wednesdays are busy, I just plan frozen pizza's for that day. NOt that you need to be really crazy about sticking with the schedules but when I do, I feel like I at least know what I did today and I can look at that and say, "yes, I did spend some good time w/the kids or yes, I did get a lot done today". Anyway, I'm glad you wrote about this because my oldest just finished school on friday so I need to come up w/a summer schedule, you inspired me to recommit to that. Thank you.
Nicole
This is so ironic, I just had a conversation with a friend about being more intentional. I have always related to your story in so many ways. It will be so nice to see you connect again. I've continued to pray for your family and I can't wait to hear about the daily happenings.

Blessings,

Elaine
Deb D. said…
You've got me still. And I am looking forward to hearing from you.
Emily said…
We'd love to accompany you! :)
Debbie said…
I will most certainly follow you...I cant wait to hear from you more often and watch your beautiful children grow and learn.
It often seems like such an up and down, in and out kind of thing. There are days I feel really good about myself as a parent, as a stay at home mom, as a wife...and then there are days that are completley opposite. And I have to say, 10 years ago there weren't so many sticks by which to measure ourselves. Now we have Facebook and blogs that open our eyes to how our friends/family/strangers live their lives and what they accomplish and what they don't. How they enjoy their family and all the things they do. I know so much more about many of my friends that I ever would have without those avenues and most of the time it is so great. Other times it makes me feel like I should get more accomplished....I think you have to keep in the forefront of your thoughts that not ONE other family in the world is like your family, like my family, like my friend on facebook's family. We are all dealing with a unique set of circumstances and we handle it as best we can. I've come to realize that some parts of my house are just gonna be 'not right' until ALL my kids are in school....hang in there, tomorrow is a new day! I'm glad you're here!
Great post...I enjoyed reading your blog today.
I love all the new blogs
I have found. Quite a unique group.
I love making new blogging friends..
I have several Disney posts already on my blog and have several more to post. Hope you will stop by for a visit.
Kathy said…
It will be wonderful to continue this journey, Kenzie!

I also identified with your post! My kids are grown but some things don't change. I have been feeling convicted to accomplish more each day and yet, as you say live in the moment. Be glad for my life, my circumstance and who I am in Christ.

I think it's really ok to have some days where it's pretty laid back and maybe you didn't cross off most of your to do list. After all you have been through in a short period of time it's okay to just be.

We all need to find that balance, our equilibrium. Thank goodness you have a firm foundation in Jesus. He is your center. All else is frosting on the cake.

Looking forward to hearing about your journey and watching your beautiful children grow.
Pam said…
I am right here. Never left and would love to follow with you. Join mine and we can keep each accountable. I am so excited.
Pam
connie said…
I'll be here. I miss reading what you are thinking. :)
Kirsten said…
Yeah!! I'm so excited to read about the latest happenings in the Stanfield Journey. Blessings to all of you.
Devin said…
Let me guess....did you just start reading Shepherding a Child's heart? It is a wonderful book. Getting to the heart IS the issue! If that's not the one you are reading, I highly recommend that one next, my friend!

I'm glad to hear you're back, although I never did thought you "left" any of us. Life is busy, and you have much going on. I don't think you should feel any pressure to blog "so often"...I know that is hitting me hard right now, with everything that just happened within our family. I feel like--goodness, I haven't blogged since last Sat! But, you know, sometimes, when life hits, other things take importance, and that's okay! I'll take you once a month or once a day. :-)

Love you girl.
Tanya said…
As always, I enjoy catching up with your family with your blog...your words are powerful. Look forward to hearing more about those little daily moments that make up your journey.
sumi said…
I know what you mean about the intensity of emotions and thoughts that were shared shortly after Maddox left, making your everyday life seem trivial and mundane. I have been at the same place in my blogging. It's as if everything has been said, and NOW WHAT?

I built up quite a readership who would check in on how we were doing after Jenna went to heaven. Coping after losing her almost consumed my life for the past year, it seems strange to write about anything else...

I could always do with being more intentional...sigh...
Country Roads said…
Day to day happenings with the little ones may seem trival now but someday you'll look back and appreciate if you simply write one sentence about the cute, silly, or onery happenings. I used to journal when the kids were little and after 25 years of trival writing, you (not knowingly, of course) set me to blogging about current trival day to day life. I've enjoyed expanding my talks with God concerning families in need of prayer because of first connecting with your blog and then branching off to others from yours. You've been an inspiration and will continue to be even if when your life seems ordinary. Committing with you.
Anonymous said…
I will enjoy reading whatever you have got on your mind!!! Love the new look on your blog too!
I think this is great and YEP...i'm here!

I think all the time, my life is not what some of these others are (blogs i read), losing children, heart transplants, down syndrome, etc, but you know what, all these people that I pray for everyday and love everyday and read about everyday, they love me too, no matter how boring my life might be (even though being beat and deserted by two men, left with 4kids, is not boring) it is certainly NOT what some of you have been through. However, my friends, my people that care, my faith, still stays with me forever and each day.

We, your friends (those who have met you and those who have not...me) are here and love to see your family and read about your good times and bad times.

Blog away girl! I am here for eternity or until you stop blogging.

Rachel
Katy said…
Oh my! She is getting so big.

I know that I recently was hoping that I can figure out how to print my blog as I have documented so many things there that I don't want to lose.

Continued prayers for your family!

~Kate

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