Emotions

For some reason today, it was an emotional one. Everything went pretty much as normal as we settled down from the excitement of celebrating Christ's birthday a few days ago... Dusty went back to work and Deacon and I spent the day as we sometimes do~ me in a battle of wills with a 2-year-old. Most days I don't let it suck me in, and yet today, I did. Sitting on the potty, taking a bath, putting on pants, leaving the play area at the mall, eating what I serve for dinner... it just seemed to be one of those days, from the get-go, that was going to get the best of me. He wasn't being bad, just being a 2-year-old, and I was emotional. Something I feel that I haven't been lately.

I definitely wasn't angry with him today, just frustrated. And then, after dinner, I simply bent down to hug him and I said very sincerely "Deacon, I love you." I tell him about 50 times a day that I love him. I ask him probably every other day if he knows how much I love him~ he always says yes... and still tonight, for the first time I can ever remember, he looked back at me right in the eyes, hugged me with both arms around my neck and said shaking his head "I wove you too, Mommy". And just like that I couldn't control my emotions. I was crying tears that I haven't cried in a long time. I didn't cry on Thanksgiving or Christmas... I haven't lost anything and we were celebrating. I haven't cried about our situation or these circumstances that we find ourselves in for what seems like an eternity. I have been good. Really. I have felt a peace and joy beyond description... and yet today, I cried very emotional tears.

The crying doesn't negate the peace and joy. The crying doesn't mean that somehow I'm not okay. The crying was just in those brief moments... the pure joy of hearing my sweet boy tell me, without prompting, that he loved me. The realization that the Lord has placed something inside of him to know just what I need. And then came the sadness. I simply looked at him, smiley and playing, and realized that I probably won't ever get to hear Maddox say those words to me. That in the beauty of simple things, something can touch your heart so deeply and yet, tear it out at the same time. Honestly, for the first time tonight, I briefly thought... "Why us Lord?" It's not a question that I have asked... EVER ... not in my mind or out loud. I knew from the beginning that it wasn't the why but the what... and still, like the rest of the day, I was thrown-off for a split second and that question crossed my mind. ...Thankfully, the Lord didn't allow me to dwell on it as I watched my older son across the room singing Christmas caroles and I felt my younger son inside, moving all about. And suddenly, just like it appeared, it all went away: the confusion, the pain, the longing for normalcy and a "regular baby". I quickly returned to the contented thankfulness that I have felt all along... I know the Lord has given us this child to bless us. "...Test me in this," says the Lord Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it." Malachi 3:10

While praying tonight and reading over some scripture, the Lord reminded me what a testimony we have to His faithfulness. When we found out about Maddox's condition, due to his many complications, we were led to believe that from the medical side, we almost certainly wouldn't make it to delivery. Granted, we're not there yet, but we're quickly approaching that time as I am 31 weeks today. The Lord is good, and faithful- and He does things according to His will. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

I am so grateful for days like today... ones that remind me how far the Lord has brought us up to this point. He has overwhelmed us with love and peace and I continue to pray for that as we draw closer to our time to deliver. I know that part of the emotion is due to the impending arrival of that specific date on the calendar (not yet finalized)... excitement and yet definite apprehension of the unknown. I also know that it is due, in part, to the quickly approaching day of delivery for my friend Christie. She is also pregnant with her second little boy who is diagnosed with T18 and lives here in the Houston area. It has been amazing to walk this road so closely with someone I can see face to face and since our official due dates are exactly 2 weeks apart, I suddenly understand that I will have a front-row seat to watch her go through this first. (Please keep her and her husband in your prayers as well as they will be induced a week from today, January 3rd.)

Thank you again for the love, support and the prayer pages! They have already been an awesome blessing for us!

"From the end of the earth I will cry to you, when my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Psalm 61:2

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Another set of lyrics that seem so appropriate for me today... MercyMe~ Bring the Rain

I can count a million times, people asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through

The question just amazes me, can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You?

Maybe since my life was changed, long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind~

To turn my back on you, oh Lord, my only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray...

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days when this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may loom above
because you are much greater than my pain

You who made a way for me suffering your destiny
So tell me, whats a little rain

So I pray...

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days when this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
Is the lord God Almighty
Is the lord God Almighty

Everybody singing Holy holy holy
You are holy
You are holy

Comments

Emily said…
You're doing it, precious friend. You're putting one foot in front of the other and choosing to praise God through your pain. You can praise Him through tears, too, you know? Tears are like a healing rain sometimes. Let them come. It's okay to be real. Jesus wept. :)

My heart is with you. I do not know your pain. I cannot ride in on any white horse and fix anything. I have no wise words and no band-aids big enough to cover this impending wound. But all I have is yours, just say the word. Know that I am on my face for you, many times a day. (I'm guessing you're getting tired of pages from my zip code, but that makes me laugh.)

Thank you for the precious gift you sent to me this Christmas, even in the midst of your pain and uncertainty. Thank you for being obedient to your God and the call He has on your life right now. You are beautiful. Your boys are beautiful. And, believe it or not, this weeping may endure for the night... but joy WILL come again.

Email me. I have pictures that will make you laugh and show you how crazy I am these days. ;)

Loving you and lifting you up....

Emily
Anonymous said…
Kenzie, I have been following your blog and praying for you. Yo are an inspiration to all in your faith. God will be with you every step; I promise.
Laurie said…
Kenzie,

My prayers continue for you here in Ca. as you prepare to meet precious Maddox. And little Deacon, well bless his heart for being a true 2 year old and doing what they do best, living their life. And they say the most wonderful things when we need to hear them the most. You needed to let the tears flow and his little heart knew it. You are doing good Kenzie and your time to meet this little miracle is right around the corner. I pray for your peace and hope to continue as God leads you in His plan. And just as Emily said, tears are a healing rain sometimes, let them flow. It brings such relief to the heart. I will be praying for Christie also as she prepares to meet her baby.

Love to you, Laurie in Ca.
So Blessed said…
Your testimony is precious...and your faithfulness is very evident...I know the Lord is looking at you and saying,
"This is my beloved child, in whom I am well pleased." Keep trusting...the One who promises is faithful....He will sustain and strengthen you each and every step of the way. I wil be praying for you and your friend, Christy, too. Blessings of peace to all of you.
Sweet Kenzie,
It's 4:00 a.m. in the morning and I needed to connect with you guys tonight. I know days like you had today are a struggle, but I know too how good it feels afterwards to cry. Seem like when I can cry (which for some reason can be hard sometimes) it just feels good afterwards, a relief in a way of bottled up stuff that we don't even realize is there. I am so proud to know Christians who have those feelings but then turn right to Jesus for the comfort only he can give us. Thank you for sharing your day. It's good to know you more.
I continue to pray for you and Maddox daily. I didn't realize Christy lived so close to you, God has been so good to bring us all together. Thank you for your Christmas card. You have a beautiful and blessed family.
Kim
Anonymous said…
God Bless you and your family. I hope the next few weeks go well for you. I'm sure you will have many days you feel like crying. There is nothing wrong with that and sometimes is gives the strength to go on through the day.
Love Karen
Laurie said…
Kenzie,

I am beginning this new year with prayers for you as you prepare to meet Maddox soon. Asking God to give you His peace and rest in the weeks ahead and that He hold you tight. He will keep His promise to you and you can trust Him. Praying for little Maddox to grow strong and bless you more than you could ever ask. He is a miracle to you.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

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