A Joyful Time

These last few weeks have been busy as we all traveled up to Nebraska on the 20th to watch the Huskers... unfortunately, we got to see them get killed by Texas A&M, another team that even Aggie fans would agree is not under the greatest leadership these days. We went to the pumpkin patch for several hours with my parents, sisters and their families to actually pick the pumpkins off the vine, and not just pick one up from a pile on the ground(like here in Houston). We were able to go shopping, go out to lunch, just enjoy our time... Bottom line, we were able to spend time with family and enjoy being away from home for a little bit since there aren't any travels in my near future. It's strange as I actually think about not being able to travel for Christmas... until I really stop to consider it all, it's almost like I can "forget" about everything else that is going on.

It's not that I want to forget... but maybe sometimes I do. Maybe sometimes I just want this to be a normal pregnancy. To be expecting a "normal" baby. I mean, so many people don't find out about a diagnosis like Trisomy 18 until after they give birth, and here we are a little bit more than 1/2 way along and instead of looking forward specifically to the due date, I feel like I'm trying to pull on each day to give me a little more time with this child that I'm so scared to lose. Now don't get me wrong, it's not that I wish for a second that we didn't actually know... It's just that sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I didn't... I wonder how different I would act and if in some way I'm now holding back loving Maddox because I don't want to get "too close". And what exactly does "too close" mean? Especially when you are referring to a child that you are carrying inside of you, that you have loved infinitely from the day the pregnancy test showed positive... to a child that you have named and already promised to the Lord? I'm feeling so mixed right now.

Mixed? Mixed it is. I can say that I am so overjoyed that tomorrow is Deacon's 2nd birthday. I can say that I can't believe my sweet little boy who talks up a storm, who loves any type of truck or train, and loves to say "no" just to get a reaction has actually been with us for 2 whole years. It's like my mom said... in some ways it seems like so long ago, and yet it seems like just yesterday when I held him in my arms for the very first time. What a precious, amazing gift... a child. I agree with our pastor, Dr. Young, when he says that there is no higher calling than to be a parent, to be a mom. And so I guess that is why I'm "mixed"... this overwhelming love and the calling I feel to be a mom... I love Deacon and cherish him so much, so why then don't I get to keep my Maddox too?

I know that our Father has spoken to us already through this time of grieving and somehow I feel like all I keep hearing is that Maddox will have already accomplished so much in his short life. So then here is the ultimate question~ is that something I keep telling myself because I want so desperately for it to be true, to know that his life has been validated and has meaning, OR is that really the Lord telling me that it is all in His hands and He did indeed create him exactly as the child he is? I don't feel like I have a choice- for my sanity I HAVE to believe that type of reassurance, those kinds of answers, that kind of peace is only from our Father... Which then means, all of this is worth it! The doubts, the questions, the uncertainty... the life of my second son, and the life Jesus Christ gave for him.

What does that mean for me then? Through all of this, it is a conscious decision to be "joyful always"- to know that even when I'm crying and when I'm asking why my baby, even when I wonder if I really would consider a second amnio "just to be sure they didn't get it wrong", and even when I worry about Deacon and his safety- I KNOW that I must make that choice to be joyful. I KNOW that I need to be constantly seeking the Lord's face. So that is my prayer... to be seeking after Him. To be joyful when my attitude says otherwise, and to be loving to my family. I couldn't love anyone more than them... my 3 boys!


HAPPY 2nd BIRTHDAY DEACON! I LOVE YOU... ALWAYS and FOREVER! ~Mama

"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1