21 Weeks Along


After a little mix-up at the doctor's office this morning, we finally got to go back and see our little guy on ultrasound. It was wonderful... Maddox was incredibly active and we were able to watch him wave to us as he moved that tiny little hand around. Thankfully our doctor told us that he didn't fall much behind in size or weight in the two weeks since we've been there (since the beginning he has measured small and is currently about 2 weeks behind in measurements), and that he is up to 10 oz. We're so thankful for the times we get to see him, to know that he is growing, and to treasure those pictures of him. And yet, as Dusty mentioned, it's very sobering to look at what a miracle he is and still comprehend all that our little person has to overcome. To me, I think of the moments that lie ahead and realize with some amount of certainty that we won't get much time with him here on earth.

As I look at Maddox and realize that fact, I understand better that each of our days are numbered too... I wonder how differently I would act towards others, say my husband, my parents, or strangers, if those set number of days were clearly posted on some "role call" that would allow me to determine my attitude. All I have for Maddox is love... And then it hit me tonight as I talked to a friend, a very new friend that has recently lost her son as well, that we are to extend grace to everyone we meet, everyone we come in contact with. I am to extend grace to those strangers in the grocery store who make well-meaning comments that break my heart... I'm to extend grace to the nurse who doesn't look at my file and says, "oh you're having another boy... how fun for your older son to have a playmate"... I'm to extend grace to those acquaintances that "know", but don't know what to say... I mean, why should anyone else know what to say or do, when so many times I myself don't. ~All I have realized in a few short hours today is that I can't allow anyone to change my attitude about this... so I hear something that doesn't sit well, or makes me irritated, or seems hurtful or careless... that doesn't change where we were yesterday, and where we are today, and it certainly shouldn't change my attitude to make me less confident in the direction that the Lord is taking us in the future.

As I mentioned before, I desperately wish that no one would have to walk this road after us... and yet, I know that isn't reality. However, what is reality is others having walked this road before me, just as I will go before others, and them having the ability to minister to my heart and share things that only they could. After talking for a few hours with two incredible girls who have recently lost their precious babies, I am filled with a new sense of hope for the future and what God has in store for us. Don't think for a second that I'm saying either one said it was easy. As you can imagine, they both said with definity that it was the hardest thing they have ever, or will ever go through... And yet, they made it. They aren't out of the woods of the grieving, and the wounds of loss are still very fresh, but they are HERE! They are speaking to me on the other side of the pain I now feel and the grief and heartache I forsee in the near future. They are both able, capable, functioning mothers that absolutely love the Lord and know that in all of this, one day we will all see our children again. For these mommies, I am SO THANKFUL!

It seems so perfect with what I read and re-read yesterday in the book of Daniel... the part about Nebuchadnezzar being enraged that Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego wouldn't serve or worship the images of gold that he had created. He threated to throw them into a blazing furnace if they didn't immediately bow down and they replied to him "...O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will resuce us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." (Daniel 3:16-18) That spoke to me so powerfully as I read it, and then I thought of it tonight when I talked with one of the girls. We both made the decision to carry our babies, regardless of medical prognosis or possible outcomes, and to trust in our God, regardless of what the world views of those decisions. I see us, the families that are walking through these kinds of losses, as Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, standing up for something that many don't understand, and walking through the fire. We trust that the Lord is going to protect us in the blazing fire that we are being thrown in to and I trust that He can heal Maddox. However, even if He doesn't choose to heal my baby here on earth, we are still standing up for what we believe, He WILL protect us from the fire and He will honor that choice eternally.

Thank you to my two dear new friends who have shared so openly about your decisions, your pain and your suffering, but also about your hope! I can't thank you enough!

"Faith is being sure of what we hope fore and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

Comments

Rachel Fox said…
Kenzie and Dusty, we love you guys and pray for you often. Here are two verses that we claimed during our journey: "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" I Thessalonians 5:16-18, and for Andrew "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine!" Isaiah 43:1. How often I forget, we are His! Rachel and Kyle Fox
Beccy said…
Kenzie, Dusty, Deacon & Maddox,
Andy & I love you, we don't know what we could say or do so we will do what we know to be true & PRAY. You have shown strength which only faith in Christ can produce. We love you & your precious family.
In Him,
Beccy & Andy
John said…
Dusty and McKenzie,
What a great blog you have created and I am so greatful that your mom and dad sent us this site to keep us informed on the progress, etc. I thought of your family yesterday as I read my daily devotion from Beth Moore. I hope this provides some continued strength as you move through this journey..." God will give us victory, but sometimes he will require every ounce of energy and cooperation we have in the process."
Blessed, merciful God, Your Word promises that those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. If I go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, I will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with me. (Ps. 126:5-6)
Help me to see that the promise is not made to those who simply have tears but to those who are willing to sow seed in the midst of their tears. Your Word tells us in Luke 8:11 that the seed is the Word. If I'm willing to keep believing and sowing Your Word, even when I am desperately hurting, You will bring me forth from this difficult season with songs of joy. Because of Your faithfulness, with joy I will draw water from the wells of salvation. (Isa. 12:3).
We love you all with our whole hearts!
Love, Lisa, John, Lauren and Sydney
Brent said…
Kenzie

You are a blessing to your family and you write so beautifully. You can clearly see the hope that lies within you and I can tell you have taken the words of 1 Peter 3:15 to heart:

But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.

This blog is such a wonderful idea and the grace of God pours through in your writing. It is clear from the responses to your blog that you are touching so many people. God has raised you up for just this time so that His grace will show through you. Jess and I love you, Dusty and Deacon so much and are praying for your family. Please let us know if you need anything.

Always remember the words of our Lord in John 16:33:

In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

We know that our Lord has overcome the world and will make all things new... including Mr. Maddox. Keep writing... you are so good at it.

Love

Brent & Jess
Jess said…
Kenzie and Dusty-

I echo everything Brent said. God is so good! It has been said that God doesn't give us more than we can handle and clearly He has entrusted so much to both of you for a reason. You are living the faith walk that so many of us desire to live and your example for us leaves me speechless.

I am so thankful to call you family and can't wait to see you all soon! We are constantly lifting you up in prayer. Much love, Jess
Laura said…
Kenzie,
The light of our Lord shines through you!
Job 23:10 says "Yet God knows every step I take; if he tests me, he will find me pure". Kenzie, you and Dusty are pure, your writing is testimony of your love of the Lord and your desire to be faithful and serve Him.
Just as Jesus knew of Mother Mary's eternal love for Him, Maddox knows of your undying love and senses your emotions as all unborn babies do. Your love and commitment to him has already touched his life profoundly, making the quality of his life boundless because of you.
Know that with you, your family and friends there are many additional prayer warriors out there flooding the heavens for your family.
Kenzie, may the Holy Spirit bless you & Dusty with His gift of Wisdom.
Be at peace,
Aunt Laura
Kenzie, I just found your blog on the Trisomy 18 wesbite. My name is Jessi Connolly and my husband and I are in the waiting process for our amnio results. We found out last Thursday that we tested the highest possible for Trisomy and I just can't tell you how encouraging it is to see other Christians clinging to God's promises during this walk. I'm going to start praying for your sweet family today and I just appreciate your vulnerability in documenting all this. Grace & Peace.
Lynn Erickson said…
McKenzie, Dusty, Deacon & Maddox,
Beccy shared your website with me and I want you to know it really touched my heart. Your faith and love of our Lord is so strong and because of it, He, will bless you more than you can ever imagine! You have a gift for writing McKenzie, your website and info is beautiful. We love you and will continue to pray for you. Lynn & Kermit
Jennie said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jennie said…
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." This is one of mine and Matt's favorite verses. It is so true here where you guys walk right know. Remember this as you take this challenging walk. Remember what blessings you are to so many people and the blessing you will be in the future to so many who will walk where you walk now.

We Love You,
Matthew, Jennie, Cooper and
Ellie Kate
Christa said…
I love your poem about motherhood.. how true it is!

It brings such joy to my heart to see the peace you have found through Christ. "As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you; and you will be comforted over Jerusalem"

Your family has been such a blessing to everyone.. thank so you for sharing your thoughts with us.
Diligently praying for you,
Christa

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