21 Weeks Along

After a little mix-up at the doctor's office this morning, we finally got to go back and see our little guy on ultrasound. It was wonderful... Maddox was incredibly active and we were able to watch him wave to us as he moved that tiny little hand around. Thankfully our doctor told us that he didn't fall much behind in size or weight in the two weeks since we've been there (since the beginning he has measured small and is currently about 2 weeks behind in measurements), and that he is up to 10 oz. We're so thankful for the times we get to see him, to know that he is growing, and to treasure those pictures of him. And yet, as Dusty mentioned, it's very sobering to look at what a miracle he is and still comprehend all that our little person has to overcome. To me, I think of the moments that lie ahead and realize with some amount of certainty that we won't get much time with him here on earth.

As I look at Maddox and realize that fact, I understand better that each of our days are numbered too... I wonder how differently I would act towards others, say my husband, my parents, or strangers, if those set number of days were clearly posted on some "role call" that would allow me to determine my attitude. All I have for Maddox is love... And then it hit me tonight as I talked to a friend, a very new friend that has recently lost her son as well, that we are to extend grace to everyone we meet, everyone we come in contact with. I am to extend grace to those strangers in the grocery store who make well-meaning comments that break my heart... I'm to extend grace to the nurse who doesn't look at my file and says, "oh you're having another boy... how fun for your older son to have a playmate"... I'm to extend grace to those acquaintances that "know", but don't know what to say... I mean, why should anyone else know what to say or do, when so many times I myself don't. ~All I have realized in a few short hours today is that I can't allow anyone to change my attitude about this... so I hear something that doesn't sit well, or makes me irritated, or seems hurtful or careless... that doesn't change where we were yesterday, and where we are today, and it certainly shouldn't change my attitude to make me less confident in the direction that the Lord is taking us in the future.

As I mentioned before, I desperately wish that no one would have to walk this road after us... and yet, I know that isn't reality. However, what is reality is others having walked this road before me, just as I will go before others, and them having the ability to minister to my heart and share things that only they could. After talking for a few hours with two incredible girls who have recently lost their precious babies, I am filled with a new sense of hope for the future and what God has in store for us. Don't think for a second that I'm saying either one said it was easy. As you can imagine, they both said with definity that it was the hardest thing they have ever, or will ever go through... And yet, they made it. They aren't out of the woods of the grieving, and the wounds of loss are still very fresh, but they are HERE! They are speaking to me on the other side of the pain I now feel and the grief and heartache I forsee in the near future. They are both able, capable, functioning mothers that absolutely love the Lord and know that in all of this, one day we will all see our children again. For these mommies, I am SO THANKFUL!

It seems so perfect with what I read and re-read yesterday in the book of Daniel... the part about Nebuchadnezzar being enraged that Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego wouldn't serve or worship the images of gold that he had created. He threated to throw them into a blazing furnace if they didn't immediately bow down and they replied to him "...O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will resuce us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." (Daniel 3:16-18) That spoke to me so powerfully as I read it, and then I thought of it tonight when I talked with one of the girls. We both made the decision to carry our babies, regardless of medical prognosis or possible outcomes, and to trust in our God, regardless of what the world views of those decisions. I see us, the families that are walking through these kinds of losses, as Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, standing up for something that many don't understand, and walking through the fire. We trust that the Lord is going to protect us in the blazing fire that we are being thrown in to and I trust that He can heal Maddox. However, even if He doesn't choose to heal my baby here on earth, we are still standing up for what we believe, He WILL protect us from the fire and He will honor that choice eternally.

Thank you to my two dear new friends who have shared so openly about your decisions, your pain and your suffering, but also about your hope! I can't thank you enough!

"Faith is being sure of what we hope fore and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1