Let Down

All day today I have been glancing at my clock, staring at my phone, looking at the calendar and thinking "January 26th... today means something but what is it? What am I forgetting?" It literally, JUST NOW, dawned on me. It's another one of those "dates". Weird? Maybe, but if you are a mom who has sent a child home to be with Jesus, I've realized that it just might be part of life. I'm beginning to see a trend and I don't necessarily like it but dates stick out in my mind... and today? Today was Maddox's service two years ago.

I suppose it is fitting that today has been more emotionally charged than any other day leading up to his birthday... it was two year ago as well that I cried myself to sleep, for the only time ever, understanding the finality of letting Maddox go. Today on January 26th, two years later, the emotional charges are somewhat different. I'm not experiencing the feelings of intense grief, deep sorrow, overwhelming pain or the trembling fear I felt to face the world, but instead ones of sadness, confusion, hurt and of being let down. Nope, not by God, but by people.

Have you felt that way before? Just totally let down, brought to tears, by someone that you had high expectations of? I know that biblically speaking it is a certain truth that virtually everyone, at some point in our lives, will let us down- our parents, our children, our husbands, our friends, our pastors, the list just goes on... I know that is why God truly is who He says He is... the Only One who always has bigger plans, a bigger perspective, our Sure Foundation... But sometimes, lets just be honest, that knowledge still doesn't make the pain that is inflicted by those we love any less hurtful.

Sometimes it's unintentional. Sometimes it's for lack of knowledge. Sometimes you might even wonder if maybe it's unjustified... maybe it's just not that big of a deal. And then just as quickly you realize how real your emotions are and if it is important to you, then it should be important to those that love you. And really, it probably is... For the most part, it certainly is. But it is hurtful and confusing all the same. You wonder, how could they let me down like this?

So these emotions- anger, hurt, disappointment, sadness, frustration, bitterness, resentment- these feelings of being let down... what do you do with them? You might get angry and cry. You might talk and yell. You might process them over and over in your mind and you just might seek counsel from other trusted people. I've done all of those today.

But as for me tonight, because these emotions have dictated my day and brought me to tears on numerous occasions, I know that I only have one choice. I am going to take them to the Lord. Lay them down at His feet. Ask for strength and commitment not to pick them back up again. Ask for forgiveness, for patience, for love. If I fail, I'll ask again. As hard as it is and as much as I want to hold on to them, I know they are only hurting me. God can take them away. He can help me to forgive those who have hurt me so deeply, those who love me so much. Heaven knows I've hurt others. I can't even fathom how often I've received the grace of forgiveness when I've let other people down. It's grace that I don't deserve. It's life in Christ.

Does it still hurt? Yes. Will I eventually address it when I am more calm? Yes. But to be able to release this... it will change my world, for me, immediately.

"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."- Romans 5:5


Shana said…
I am praying for you.
Deb D. said…
I am sorry that in the midst of this sad season for you that there are additional things that bring you sadness and all the other feelings. Sounds like maybe others have missed/forgotten/minimized how significant this day is for you. I'm sorry. May God bless you with all you request and need of him.
Anonymous said…
I've been a long time follower however this is my first time commenting...Todays post just really hit home to things going on in my life right now and I wanted to thank you for reminding me that no matter what I am going through the Lord is here to help me through this. I feel as though I have been let down over and over again by a parent...and as though I am losing him bit by bit... and I dont know why or what happened... All I know is I need to come to terms with it and move on for my sake... Thank you. God Bless you...
Emily said…
Hurting when you hurt, sister. Praying tomorrow is gentler.

It's so nice to read your beautiful words from your beautiful heart again, by the way. :)
Erika said…
i have had more than a few days like that lately. the anniversary days seem less raw than they used to, but it's still hard. and i think a lot of people forget that- you know, their lives go on and they think of the loss of a child as being "in the past" when the truth is that we live with it on a daily basis. sending you lots of hugs and love...


Melody said…
I'm so sorry you are hurting, Kenzie.

You are absolutely right though. People will inevitably let us down~ intentionally or not, it is going to happen. And if you are able to give your feelings surrounding those letdowns to the Lord, He will "change my world...immediately." Frankly, He is the only one who can.

Praying for your sweet heart and remembering your precious boy this week.
Anonymous said…
Thank you. Your words, your understanding has brought me to tears this morning. So rarely do I really feel like someone understands how I feel. You "get it". Your honesty in your words let me peek out of my lonely world to remember that what I feel is okay, it's not selfish, it's not self-pity, it's not wrong... it's reality of living in this fallen world. Please keep writing. God is using you.
Laurie in Ca. said…
I love you Kenzie and yes, I am still learning in the hurt department at times too. Hard to let go of but oh the peace and joy He pours out on us in return. I will keep working on it and thank you for your honesty. It is refreshing to my heart:)

Love and Hugs, Laurie
Kathy said…
Just had this discussion with a hurting 10 year old precious girl who is dealing with the possible divorce of her parents.

I told her that God is the Only One who can love us perfectly, that we are all flawed and make mistakes. Both her parents love her dearly but not perfectly.

To see the sadness and the very sparkle gone from her beautiful blue eyes breaks my heart. Praying she will be able to forgive and adjust to what the future holds for her family, that she will find her courage and her peace from the Lord.

I have always found great peace in the hymn:

Turn your eyes upon Jesus.
Look full at His beautiful face
and the things of this world will grow strangely dim
in the light of His glory and grace.

Hope you find again that peace that passes all understanding and the strength and grace to say, "Father forgive them for they know not what they do."
Anonymous said…
I was challenged to forgive my MIL when I was diagnosed with Felix's anencephaly and she continued to be hurtful. It took her seven months to whisper into my ear at a family gathering "I'm sorry do you forgive me". I really did not want to give her the satisfaction of saying "yes". Because forgiving her would force me to surrender the urge to hurt her back. Make her feel the way she has made me feel. But holding onto to grudgest only hurts the grudge holder. She did not hurt me, I ALLOWED her to hurt me. How could I have given someone so much power, to make me lose sleep? to cry for hours? To let her interfere in my relationship with my husband? I allowed her to get that powerful. I liked this post but did not want to respond on facebook because of its visibility. Forgiving someone that has hurt us deeply helps us grow as a person I think. But it really is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but also the most freeing.

Pam said…
I'm praying for you. I totally understand that people sometimes are just plan ugly as my Grandmother would say. I so appreciate you honesty and your heart!!!!
I would love to "quote" you in one of my post. Would that be ok? I just wanted to ask permission.

Love and Hugs,
Doula Mama Pam
MrsKennyD said…
Thank you for once again pouring out your heart. The Lord certainly used you (through this post) to speak directly to me. My husband and I have recently been through some things that have caused us to be GREATLY let down by people we love and who are supposed to be our spiritual leaders. As silly and ridiculous as it sounds I haven't really known what to do with the emotions that have overwhelmed me (ALL of which were mentioned in your post). I felt as though I was reading my heart on a page. Thank you for the encouragement and for the inkling of hope you have opened my eyes to. Many blessings to you and your family!
sanjeet said…
she will find her courage and her peace from the Lord.

Work from home India
mrsmarkdave said…
Thank you for leaving such a kind note on my blog. I appreciate it so much.
Your comment has drawn me back to your blog this morning and I read this entry. I desperately needed this as I'm feeling very sad today.
On top of this, I'm grateful that my sadness will probably disappear later this week or even today, but there is a family laying to final rest their baby girl. In the grand scheme of things, my problems aren't so bad.

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