Out of the Darkness...

I can't believe that Faith Clare is 2 months old! These past few months have flown by and for the most part, the sadness that used to reside constantly within me now only seems to creep in every once in a while. It's almost as though we have wandered through the darkness and stepped into glorious light.

The reality is that the busyness of life with two at home has helped keep my mind occupied and although Maddox's memory is always vivid and close at hand, joy has overtaken me. The new-found smile of my precious baby girl just floods my heart and brings me such hope for the future and for our family. To see my firstborn adore his baby sister and care for her has touched me in ways I have never known. I love watching him bring her toys, share his prized blankey, kiss her face, and tell her sweet nothings... the love he has for her blesses my heart beyond words. God continues to answer prayers in such amazingly tangible ways and we are so grateful for the "normalcy" that has replaced the intense emotion we were experiencing at this time one year ago.

I wouldn't be truthful if I didn't admit that with the 23rd of this month quickly approaching, the excitement that would usually come with celebrating a first birthday now somewhat overwhelms me... I can feel a heaviness that is looming above as I think about honoring the memory of our precious Maddox. Nothing I can think of quite does justice and I oscillate between planning the entire day and having nothing scheduled. Thankfully though, at the end of it all I know that whatever we decide to do on his birthday will be enough... We remember Maddox daily and lift his name up in thanksgiving to the Lord each night with our other two babies. Even with the tears that will certainly flood my eyes on his first birthday, I feel like I am in a unique position because while I cling to the memory of the baby I mourn, in my arms I will tightly hold on to his little baby sister. It's so strange... the darkness and the light, the celebrating and the mourning, the baby in my arms and the baby in Heaven. I am amazed at how this year has crawled by in some respects, and flown by in others. The blessing? In all things, we are so thankful...

Thank you for continuing to walk this road with us. You walked with us through the darkness and fear and we are so grateful that you continue to stand by our side and accompany us into the light... the joy, the healing, the hope. Thank you for sharing in our happiness and loving our babies too.

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstance, for that is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."- 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18


AmandaHoyt said…
Beautiful post, Kenzie. Your kids are so cute.
...with a heart of thanksgiving, prayer and hope for the new year...
Carrie said…
Your children are so pretty....
Vanessa said…
The kids are growing up and more beautiful each time I see them!!
Devin said…
I count it my privilege to be on this journey with you. Through good and bad, right?!

I can't believe it's been over a year since the Lord led me to you. A year of many, many tears and yet, lots of smiles at the same time. This whole year, you were there. You helped me get through my darkest days. I feel so blessed everyday by our friendship...our precious babies in heaven have forever bonded us.

Amazing post Kenzie, and I am so happy that you are so happy. :) God is so very, very good.

Love and many prayers...
karina said…
I can't even begin to imagine how you walk through this. It brings me hope that you have peace, joy, hope and light in your life just a year later. And, I know that it is not only that precious girl that brings those qualities to your life, but God.

You will be in my thoughts as you honor your son's first birthday in the coming days.

Laurie in Ca. said…
Sweet Kenzie,

"The darkness and the light." We would never recognize the one if not for the other. The bridge between the two is the Lord. I am so blessed to have walked with you before Maddox and see the Lords plan unfold this past year for you. Your amazing faith through the fire has had me holding my breath many times.
It is an honor to walk and pray with you and your family. God is so good and I see it over and over in your life. I love this picture of love, and I love you too. Pure Joy in the Lord is a beautiful thing.

Love, Laurie
PS. I am starting to post pictures.
Kara said…
Kenzie, thank you for being so open and honest about your walk over the past year. I count myself blessed to have found you and learn more about my faith through yours. I am continuing to pray for you, Dusty, and all 3 kiddos!
What a beautiful post. Your thankful heart is such a blessing. I continue to pray for you as sweet Maddox's birthday approaches.
mrsrubly said…
like the PP says, it's a blessing to have you and your precious family in my life physically as well as this blogland, which i dearly love! your whole family is in my heart and prayers. maddox has really taught me things in my life. we miss you maddox!
Rachel said…

I am so glad that I was pointed to your blog through one of my girlfriends at church. It has done my heart and spirit a tremendous amount of good to follow your blog. I am filled with hope for my future by watching God bless your home. We serve a God of hope and healing and that is very evident in your blog. Thank you so much Kenzie.

Thinking of and praying for you always in Idaho,


HAPPY BIRTHDAY MADDOX!! (a little early)
Kathy said…

However you decide to mark Maddox's one year Forever Birthday will be perfect. He was a perfect precious baby on earth and now he is a most perfect baby in Heaven in our Lord's safe and perfect care. You celebrate Maddox each and every day and love and cherish him so.

As others have posted, all of your children are beautiful!

It was so wonderful to see in your post that you truly feel our love and prayers and I agree with the other commenter that it is our privilege to lift you all up in prayer! We thank you for keeping us "posted"! You family is so very, very precious.

May you feel the Lord's presence close as you honor Maddox's milestone.

Melody said…
I cannot believe it has already been a year since Maddox entered this world and touched so many, and already two months since Faith Clare showed us God's grace and loving kindness. What a blessing your children have been to all of us.

Maddox, reminding us how precious life is and encouraging us to hug our little ones a little tighter.

Faith, reminding us that joy does come in the morning, and our God is faithful and good to His own children.

And of course, Deacon, the ever loving, always smiling big brother. Your story would not have been the same without his tender heart and steadfast love on the sidelines.

I'm honored to "know" your family. Thank you for sharing them with us.
Jennie Bender said…
Just so you know, my Darcy Ellynn's name means, "Out of the Darkness is Light." That is who she is. I agree with your thankful heart. They beauty of trisomy 18 is that the journey makes you forever grateful for perfect hands, feet, breathing in and out, strong hearts, ten sweet fingers, the tiniest functions we failed to notice before our life was changed. Forever thankful.

The thankfulness never fades. I never hold my Darcy and fail to thank God for her. I never watch Sabrina and forget the comfort she gave to me as a 2 1/2 year old baby. It never fades. That, my friend, is beautiful!

Cristi said…
The light God brings after darkness is such a beautiful place to be.
Kirsten said…
Your story is so amazing. I know the pain doesn't just go away - so I thank God for the blessings of the joy and love that you feel in midst of it. Faith Clare is so gorgeous. The story of how much her big brother her fills my heart. Praying for you as Maddox's birthday approaches. It will be perfect.
sumi said…
This is a lovely post, kenzie.

HUGS, always...
Kenzie - what a sweet picture - in words and in the photo!

God is gracious and merciful and HE is faithful. The 23rd will come and no matter what you plan or don't - He remains the same LOVING GOD!

Lifting you all up!
Rachel said…
two months old already? It just doesnt seem possible!

The picture of the two of them together is simply precious.

You certianly create beautiful children.
Chelsea Pang said…
I have been thinking how short 4 months is, how old our Grace would be now. But how amazing that 4months (or 2 months) is for a child's life.
Chelsea Pang said…
I just watched your video of Maddox's birth...tears flowing! Same when I watched Audrey Caroline's. It just brings me right there on our day with Grace. The happiness before the storm? For me, yes a little bit.
Betsy Levenson said…
As always when I read your posts Kenzie, I am filled with a wonder and joy at how lucky I am that I have been able to learn so much from God about His perfect love and grace through you and your precious family.

Praying for you all as you prepare to celebrate Maddox's birthday this week.

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