My Song

Maternity picture with Maddox
Suzanne Box Photography

Life seems to be slowing down a bit lately. Maybe it's just in my head because the holiday season, and this week, certainly aren't moving slowly... However, I seem to be catching myself, beyond all reason and amongst the chaos of parties, dinners, programs, shopping and outings, feeling like I can breathe a little bit more... a little bit deeper. The breath that fills my lungs and my sleep-deprived body is the breath of life, and I'm just now recognizing it. New-life. Life on the other side of the dark tunnel. Fuller life. Complete, perfect, beautiful life... Life through my baby girl's middle-of-the-night feedings, my boys' laughter, my friends' calls, my family's voices, my "strangers" prayers, and my God's promises. It's a rich, full life and I'm feeling in many ways that after 17 months of holding my breath, I can finally just breathe.

Thank you, Jesus, for answered prayers.


The healing is so good... so amazing... but in all of this I also don't want to be misleading. It's not even been a year since we met Maddox and sent him on to be with the Lord, and with the breath of life on earth comes the stark reminder of the eternal life of our second child. A beautiful, spectacular, undeserved eternal life with an all-loving, everlasting God, but an eternal life that some days seems like an eternity apart. I know to the very core of my being that what seems like an eternity is just a short time and for us there will
never be an eternal separation... sometimes it just feels that way. Those moments when it still really hurts.

Sweet, yet often times painful reminders bring me to the floor mentally, but now with that freedom of air and breath and life I can permit the tears to fall, and then wipe them away smiling. I think of the journey that we have walked, where we have been, and am more fully able to smile, trusting in God's plan for our family's future. I know that won't ever be complete here on this earth, as a family or as all that God wants us to be, but our wholeness comes from Him filling in those incomplete pieces. My heart will always ache for the precious son I knew intimately for 8 months, but I am so thankful for the time we
did have.

As I have thought so much about the path we have walked, especially during this Christmas season, I have also been thinking about Mary's path... Mary's song. She traveled a wearisome road, caring the Son of God inside her young body. She undoubtedly was confused, surprised, scared and unsure. She felt like no one understood and yet, somehow over time,
she did. She couldn't have possibly known what was ahead on the road but the Lord always remained faithful, revealing things to her in pieces. She asked for God's love, His help, His protection and His peace. I am sure that at the end of her life she knew that God had used her in a mighty way and she was so thankful for His bigger purpose- saving the world through her Son, all God and all man, one precious soul at a time.

When I hear the song Breath of Heaven, it makes me think of Mary's journey... and it makes me think of my own. A journey that many mothers of these special children can understand, but a journey that no one else can own. It's my journey... my path... my song. I am no way claiming to be ANYTHING like Mary, just simply saying that I can identify with so many of the feelings that she experienced. I can identify with the words of this beautiful Amy Grant song, not because my Maddox was the Messiah, but because he too is a son of God and for me, MY breath of Heaven. As we held our tiny son in our arms for those few short hours, we did hold a piece of Heaven. I asked God to help me, to hold me, to be forever near me... to allow me to submit to His plan for our lives. This song is Mary's song, and yet, it also feels so much like my song. Each time I hear it those tears flow freely down my face as I think of my amazing son, now with his Eternal Father.


Breath of Heaven- Mary's Song
Amy Grant


I have traveled many moonless nights
Cold and weary, with a babe inside

And I wonder what I've done

Holy Father, you have come

And chosen me now

To carry your son


I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone,

Must I walk this path alone?

Be with me now

Be with me now


Chorus:

Breath of heaven

Hold me together

Be forever near me

Breath of heaven

Breath of heaven

Light in my darkness

Pour over me your holiness

For you are holy


Breath of heaven


Do you wonder as you watch my face

If a wiser one one should have had my place

But I offer all I am

For the mercy of your plan

Help me be strong

Help me be

Help me


(Chorus)

(Chorus)


Breath of heaven

Breath of heaven

Breath of heaven


"In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind."- Job 12:10

Comments

bri said…
This is such a sweet post Kenzie. I will be praying for you in the days to come especially nearing Maddox's birthdate... I know it is going to be a mountain to climb but God is your security line. He will not let you fall nor give up. He will simply let you go your own pace giving you support throughout the journey! If you slip He will catch you until you are ready to pick up and begin again up the mountain. And when you reach the top, my friend, BREATHE IT ALL IN. You have conquered one more place of pain until eventually the mountains turn to hills and all you need is a good pair of "shoes" and God will be that secure footing you need!

Blessings, I am here for an ear or a long distance shoulder!
Laurie in Ca. said…
Beautiful and precious post Kenzie.
I am so thankful for you and the healing that has taken place, allowing you to breath a little bit deeper. Healing is a process, steps at a time, but so blessed. I have watched you grow this past year in so many ways and I have been blessed by you in this journey. My prayers continue for you and I hope this season is blessed in every way. I love you.

Laurie
Devin said…
Kenz,

I too love that song...and I now love it for a different reason! It will always remind me of you. I think of you and pray for you everyday. I am so thankful for the healing God is providing for you, but I know that there are still (and will be) some difficult days. He will always see you through....

I'll talk to you soon, my friend, and if I don't before next week, have a wonderful Christmas with your family!
Elaine said…
How beautiful.. What an amazing journey you have been on. Thank you so much for sharing it, and inspiring so many...
Emily said…
Beautiful. I am so encouraged to read these words. I know just what you mean about having held your breath for so long. I am wishing your beautiful family of five a merry Christmas and praying for 2009 to be a blessed year of even more beautiful memories in the making!
Bonnie said…
Beautiful. Just beautiful. You gave new meaning to that song for me,in the past I didn't give it much thought. It will never sound the same again. What a lovely and heartfelt post.

This may sound shallow, but I feel like I saw Mary as a real person for the first time. For me, biblical characters always seem so out of touch and not real - at least nothing like you or me. After reading what you wrote, I feel so different about her. I feel as if I can relate to her in some way... as a mother.

Thank you!
Bonnie
Mel said…
beautiful!!
boltefamily said…
It is crazy that I came here tonight and read this post. I was about to post something a little similar, that is until I decided that post would wait and I NEEDED to post about Ben's crazy day! :) anyway...this song has become a profound one for me too. I just told Howard today that it is my FAVORITE Christmas song! :-) Love you and praying for each of you!

Love,
Kristy
Rachel E. said…
What a beautiful photo, Kenzie. I have never heard that song before but look forward to coming across it sometime soon.
Les said…
I liked your thoughts about Mary... never thought about how she felt carrying the Saviour, so young, not knowing what was ahead. She is a picture of faith isn't she?
That song is one of my favorites. Praying for you as you approach the year mark of meeting Maddox.
karina said…
Kenzie,

I have always loved that song, and I "get" how you can relate it to yourself. As my niece's time grows ever nearer to meet her baby Mason during this holiday season I have related the song "A Baby Changes Everything" by Faith Hill to my niece. No, my niece isn't Mary either, and the baby she carries isn't Jesus, but Oh how true that this baby will change everything for her. And Mason is bringing her closer to that baby that does change everything.

If you check out this video, you can see it performed 2 weeks ago at our church. I'm somewhere in the darkness of the background, crying my eyes out and trying to sing with the choir. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aavQp3LJ9-A

Thank you for being so candid.
Beautiful post Kenzie. I can't wait to hear the song again to think about you and all of us.
I love you,
Kim
connie said…
This is a beautiful post, Kenzie. As everyone else has said, this song will always remind me of you and Maddox, now.
Love you, connie

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