Tiny Offering

Today has been a rather quiet day of reflection. In the unusually cold, rainy Nebraska weather, I somehow feel that what is taking place outside the window has played a part in setting the tone for my more reflective mood.

Earlier this morning, when I was driving with Deacon, the song "God with Us" by MercyMe came on. Aside from the two songs played at Maddox's service (In Better Hands- Natalie Grant, Inside Out- Hillsong), this is definitely the one that always makes me think of my second little one.

Near the end of the song, the lyrics say "Just a tiny offering, compared to Calvary. But never-the-less, we lay this at your feet..." I drove around the neighborhood just to hear the song all the way through and let the tears fall from my eyes. Maddox, both literally and figuratively, was a tiny offering. What we had to give up just 12 short weeks ago was nothing compared to what Jesus gave up for us on that cross on Calvary... and yet, although Maddox always belonged to the Lord, it doesn't make it any less difficult. He is our offering, whether we chose it or not, and thankfully, we weren't allowed to make the choice for his condition... We did however choose life and to trust our mighty God through all of it.

The picture in my mind is beautiful and yet, sometimes so difficult. Maddox, laying at the feet of Jesus. Our offering... one that Our Father willingly accepted. It's hard, and still it brings me great peace. Just because Maddox is in Heaven, the rest of us are not absolved from making our lives "an offering" as we live out His will here. This song can speak to our lives, to giving everything over to Him, to fully trusting His peace, His power, His love, and His providence. "All that is within me cries, for you alone be glorified, Immanuel, God with us. My heart sings a brand new song. The debt is paid. These chains are gone... Immanuel, God with us."

These lyrics bring me tears, but also joy. Joy that God has been so good. That He has promised so much and delivered so much more. We are joyful for the gift of peace and the way He has restored us... the way He continues to heal us.

And then sometimes... well, sometimes I wonder if we are "too good"... Are we acting like this didn't happen?

Reality tells me that it isn't true. I know we aren't doing "too good" and if I pretend to be somehow worse off than I really am, that I am denying God's gift of peace and all that we have prayed to receive. I have trusted in His promise of hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11), and He has so willingly given that to us. And still, on days like today, I am reminded of all that we have lived through. All of the heartbreak, the pain, the dashed hopes, the fear... The residue of those feelings are still there, but now I am able to see more clearly. I am able to see what has seemingly quickly taken their places: healing, joy, anticipation, and peace.

I know this isn't over. Far from it... I still love and miss my Maddox. I still want to talk about him, even cry over him if needed... those things will undoubtedly remain FOREVER. However, let me repeat just how thankful we are for this road less traveled. For the peace, for the prayers, for the support, and for God's restoration... We are simply on a journey and pray that our lives, our "offerings", will be acceptable to the Lord.

"O LORD, if you will, please grant success to the journey on which I have come." Genesis 24:42


Christa Mc said…
as always a beautiful portrait of your soul.. love and miss you - christa
Laurie said…
Beautiful and thankful words straight from your beautiful heart Kenzie. And your tiny offering of Maddox is so huge in His eyes and in mine. Praying for you daily and asking God to restore you to new joy and blessings.

Love you, Laurie in Ca.
Jen in Al said…
Praying for you daily sweet Kenzie, jen in al
So Blessed said…
I am trusting the Lord with you to grant you success for the journey you are on...and I know that He will because you are faithful to walk with Him and let Him lead you. Blessings to your family.
boltefamily said…
I am so blessed by you Kenzie!
ita said…
My sweet Kenzie,

This Saturday as I am cleaning the house, I was too thinking about my precious husband, Chuck and my little grandbaby Maddox. I was crying because I miss them both and because there were so many thigs left unsaid, and, inspite of that, I talk with them and tell them every day how much I love them. I'm so proud of you, Dusty and Deacon. I'm so blessed too that God has given us such a gift of His salvation so that we can have the promise to see our loved ones again, including my daddy. I can't wait to see you guys in a few weeks. Hope you are enjoying being with your family and giving them all the love they need right now.
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Nathan Luce said…

I've found that music can take me back to the memories of our journey faster than anything else. It is amazing how seemingly out of the blue, you can be ushered back in your mind at the sound of familiar notes and words that meant so much at that time.

When I hear your heart, I identify with it in so many ways! I am so glad you are continuing to share. Thank you for being an unbelievable friend to me as we've walked so much of this together.

Much Love,

Anonymous said…
Kenz- such a beautiful spoken entry. I am always so moved by what you share and how you share it. Love you and thinking about you guys. Jess
Devin said…

I, too, love that song by Mercy Me, and had never thought about our 'tiny offerings' in that way before. I certainly will now! Thank you for sharing that. It truly blessed my heart today. :-)

Love and prayers,
Anonymous said…
Thanks again for taking time to share your heart with us.
Just wanted to let you know I'll be thinking of you and praying this week as another month is marked...
love, Hannah
The Smiths said…
As always, we are praying for you as you continue on this journey.

Love you!
awaltons said…
I have been following your blog, throughout our own T18 journey. You have been a comfort and inspirtation to me. We just lost our son April 14 and this post really spoke to my heart. Don't these little ones make you long for heaven like never before?

Emily said…
The second I read the title, I knew what you were talking about. Just this morning, singing along to the radio while I got ready for church, I visualized the same thing, Miller Grace as our tiny offering. I get it, girl. You know I do. As surely as He holds our babies tonight, He'll carry us through.
Dear Kenzie,
Beatiful words, beautiful heart and beautiful Maddox. I love you friend.
Kenzie, Chrissy got the necklace and loved it. I'm so glad, thanks for your HELP. Love the song you have playing on your blog Dancing with the Angels I just emailed my friend who just lost her mother in law to lung cancer two weeks ago. I am still praying for you guys.

Love in Christ,
Heather Rice
Chrissy said…
Thinking of Eva and Maddox today...thinking of you! Love you Kenzie!
Laurie said…
Hi Kenzie,

Thinking about you and Maddox this morning and sending some love and hugs your way.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

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