Roller Coaster

Today has been a roller coaster of emotions. I have cried a lot today... it doesn't seem for any particular reason except that the minute I talked about Maddox this morning, it was over. I cried when I saw the my OB, I cried on my way home from the doctor, I cried as I picked up Deacon, I cried as I heard several songs on the radio... I cried and cried and cried. Honestly, sometimes I wonder how it will be possible to continue like this for the next 17 weeks. How can I make it through all of the questions and uncertainty? And then as quickly as I think that, I am reminded of a verse that I have prayed so many times I could recite it in my sleep. "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all of these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:33-34 And that is just it... Live for this moment, be present in today... whatever today holds.

It's as a wonderful speaker, Pam Thompson, said at our MOPS meeting a few months back about being a "Yes Mom" and being present at home- This is the DAY, this is the MOMENT, that the Lord has made; I WILL rejoice and be glad in it. (italicized addition- Psalm 118:24) And so after more than half the day of being angry, sad and just wanting to crawl back to bed, I remembered that each minute of my day is precious when I am focusing on what matters- today, the here and now. And then suddenly this evening, for each song that made me cry on the radio (yep, still crying tonight!), I was overwhelmed with joy in hearing my husband and son play together. For each thought of the future that briefly overtook my mind, I laughed out loud with thankfulness as Deacon continued to scream with delight "faster daddy... more wind!", as we drove home from dinner with all of the windows down in the car. And for each little movement I felt from Maddox inside me as if to say "don't forget about me, I'm part of the family too!", I wholeheartedly enjoyed the playtime and being silly with Dusty, Deacon and Maddox before bed. ...For each moment of pain, there is one of sheer glory that follows so quickly behind it. Both are beautiful, authentic and meaningful... it just depends which ones I choose to focus on. Is it easier sometimes to be sad, sometimes inconsolable, and let the tears fall? Without a doubt. But that can also keep me from seeing God's true grace in my life and keep me from staying focused "on the shore."

Let me briefly explain. I am doing a devotional called 50 Days of Heaven (Randy Alcorn)... I figured what better way to be prepared to let my son go than to have a more full understanding of where he will be going. Here is the excerpt from the book that really made me consider my daily focus:

In 1952, Florence Chadwick stepped into the waters of the Pacific Ocean off Catalina Island, California, determined to swim to the mainland. An experienced swimmer, she had already been the first woman to swim the English Channel both ways.

The weather that day was foggy and chilly; Florence could hardly see the boats accompanying her. Still, she swam steadily for fifteen hours. When she begged to be taken out of the water along the way, her mother, in a boat alongside, told her that she was close and that she could make it. Finally, physically and emotionally exhausted, Florence stopped swimming and was pulled out. It wasn't until she was aboard the boat that she discovered the shore was less than half a mile away. At a news conference the next day, she said, "All I could see was the fog... I think if I could have seen the shore, I would have made it."

As you face discouragement, difficulty or fatigue, or as you are surrounded by the fog of uncertain circumstances, are you thinking "If only I could see the shore, I could make it?"

So this is my prayer for us currently~ Lord, let me not be focused on or be distracted by the fog that surrounds us. Help me to constantly remain focused on you, our shore. Please guide us in these uncertain waters and let our eyes not fall from you. I know that you are there in the hurt, the pain, the struggles and the fear, so comfort us as you have promised to those that trust in your name.

Comments

Aunt_Nette said…
I am praying for you and several other soon to be mothers of T 18 babies. Would you mind telling me something. The baby hopefully will be born at 38-40 weeks. It is basically "normal" inside of the mother. What exactly is the cause of the baby not surviving outside of the mother. I apoligize if this is to much to go into at this time. Or at any time. I am just asking so I will understand and maybe be better able to put words to my prayers for you and the other mothers.
Steve said…
Dusty & Kenzie,
You and your boys are in our prayers. Nicol and I went thru a similar situation about 6 years ago. Gracie was born and with Golz Syndrome, at birth they told us it was either EB, Trisomy 18, or Goltz. I was doing a bible study with greg Otis at the time titled "Trusting God". In the study it talks about everything happens for 3 reasons 1. God's Glory, 2. To draw us closer to HIM, 3. For our good. I want y'all know to know that God is being glorified because of your faithfullness. Your comments yesterday were so honest and uplifting, your words have ministerd to me and I thank God for working thru you. Y'all continue to draw close to each other and enjoy the miracle that Maddox is.
There are two verses that Nicol and I always and still find comfort in. John 9: 1-3 "As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, Rabbi who sinned, this man or his parents, tha he was born blind? Neither this man nor his parents sinned, said Jesus, but this happened so that the work of GOD might be displayed in his life."
Psalm 139: 13-14 "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well.
I know y'all have plenty of friends but if there's anything we can do please call. 817-453-1044

Steve & Nicol Medina
Anonymous said…
We don't control the difficulties in life that we face, but we do control how we face them. You are doing an amazing job and are a blessing to so many just by sharing your story. I'll keep praying for you to just trust in the One who will eventually call us all home to a place that is way beyond our wildest imaginations!
Much Love to you and your family!
In Him,
Samantha Allen
Anonymous said…
Kenzie, Christ is there, he knows the fog can be deep, but when you are unable to see through it, he will reach out to you. Remember he is always holding you even when it is hard to feel him. Thank you for your vulunerabilty & your walk, it is such a witness. I am honored to have you as a sister in Christ. We will keep praying for Maddox and the whole Stanfield clan.
In Him,
Beccy
Yvette said…
Dear Kenzie,

I found your blog site on the T-18 Foundation. My heart goes out to you and your family as you face the upcoming months. We are due with our 3rd little boy, Tristan, in 5 1/2 weeks, who was diagnosed with T-18 on August 15th, so we are just a little further down this road than you are. I want you to know that I will be praying for you daily as I certainly understand all of the emotions you are feeling. All we could do for weeks was cry. The Lord has brought us so far in 2 1/2 months. I NEVER thought I would feel the peace that we now feel, but it does take time. Please feel free to email me personally at yat4@bellsouth.net if you ever need to talk to someone currently going through this. We also created a blog on behalf our our son, Tristan, to be found at tristanasher.blogspot.com if you are interested in reading what we've come through these past few months. I know that the greatest encouragement for us in the beginning was to read about other Christian couples going through the same thing. Also, thank you for sharing the story about the swimmer, what an encouragement that was to me.

Honoring Him,
Yvette Hostetter
Angie Luce said…
Kenzie,

Yvette just told me about your blog, and I wanted to come and leave just a quick word to let you know that I also will be praying for you, Dusty, Deacon and Maddox over the rest of this journey. I also will be having a little girl who has been diagnosed with Trisomy 18, and we are hoping to have a scheduled c-section delivery one month from today. The day I found out the outcome of the amnio, God allowed me to come into contact with another girl who was about 10 weeks ahead of me on this journey. It was such a blessing to know that I wasn't alone, because that was one thing I was definitely feeling! I never expected to run across someone else who was currently experiencing this since it really is a very rare occurence. However, I've been totally amazed to find there is a small little community of us who are all going through this right now. I hate hearing about anyone else who is going through the pain involved, yet I am so grateful that God allows people who are dealing with the same type of suffering to find each other, because theire is comfort and healing in the knowledge of shared experiences. I hope that this is the case for you!

Know that you are in my prayers!

Angie
poppyjoy.blogspot.com
Angie Luce said…
Kenzie,

Yvette just told me about your blog, and I wanted to come and leave just a quick word to let you know that I also will be praying for you, Dusty, Deacon and Maddox over the rest of this journey. I also will be having a little girl who has been diagnosed with Trisomy 18, and we are hoping to have a scheduled c-section delivery one month from today. The day I found out the outcome of the amnio, God allowed me to come into contact with another girl who was about 10 weeks ahead of me on this journey. It was such a blessing to know that I wasn't alone, because that was one thing I was definitely feeling! I never expected to run across someone else who was currently experiencing this since it really is a very rare occurence. However, I've been totally amazed to find there is a small little community of us who are all going through this right now. I hate hearing about anyone else who is going through the pain involved, yet I am so grateful that God allows people who are dealing with the same type of suffering to find each other, because theire is comfort and healing in the knowledge of shared experiences. I hope that this is the case for you!

Know that you are in my prayers!

Angie
poppyjoy.blogspot.com
pipsylou said…
What a blessing you are to all who come to this page! I will be praying that you could find a very caring and trustworthy O.B...my daughter was born with omphalocele, imperforate anus and many other potentially life-threatening problems. We stuck to our guns and said we wanted a c-section, though our OB just shook her head and threw up her hands. Turns out we were right. You are Maddox's mommy and daddy - YOU get to make these decisions!

Praying for you.

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