Clarity of Heaven

A peace has started to invade my heart... something that I have been praying for and sure that it would come... just not knowing how long it would take. Sure the tears resurge as I begin talking with friends about my boys, as I talk with Dusty about our future, or as I listen to my two-year-old say "baby Maddox" and touch my tummy... but the peace is definitely coming.

I would like to say that I have been super consistent about my devotional time and my methods of prayer and study, but that wouldn't be the truth~ what I can say is that there is a certain level of comfort in the consistency of the inconsistency... my 50 Days of Heaven devotional for a few days, then a few devotionals here and there in my Women's Bible about hope, help, longing and loss, then come a few days of simple prayers and just loving my family. I am a person of plan, action, and follow-through, and yet, with my husband's constant help, this journey we are taking with the Lord has helped me to slow down a bit. Does my mind still race with questions that range from tomorrow's playgroup lunch to how we will make through this next year?? Definitely!... but again that peace that I am praying for, and so many of you are praying for us, is coming.

I have come to realize through various experiences in my life that I should leave any and all expectations at the door... things in life tend to progress much more smoothly and I am rarely disappointed when I have no set determination of what outcome to expect. Two examples: I chose to study abroad my entire senior year of high school in Chile, a million miles from anyone or anything familiar, yet simply praying and trusting the Lord that he would place me with the right family. (I truly believe in that instance that it was easier not to have expectations, maybe because I didn't even have the capacity to know how it could be...) Although it was a difficult year being away from my family and learning a new language, a new culture, and adapting to a new family, it was one of the most wonderful experiences of my life. I was so blessed to be placed with a family that valued me, my beliefs, my interests, and truly treated me like I was a part of the family. I know that year was not happenstance and it was so amazing that I went back in college for a semester to study at the university and live with my family again. Now in complete contrast to my first example, let's look at the doctors appointment last week in which I had definitive expectations for what we were going to see, hear and know. I went in fully expecting something that wasn't within a 100 miles of what I had imagined. You heard the frustration, the disappointment, the feelings of helplessness... And yet through my devotions, prayer time, talking to friends and family, and lots of music, I feel a greater sense of peace because I don't have set expectations for our time with Maddox. Instead, I know with complete certainty that regardless of the time we spend together on Earth, we will again be together when I leave this Earth or when our Savior returns, whichever comes first. Praise the Lord that I will know where my sweet baby can be found once he's gone... in the arms of Christ!

I loved reading Day 12 in the 50 Days in Heaven devotional, as it gave me reassurance and a better understanding of Heaven, and has ensured me that all we are doing for Maddox (and Deacon) is of utmost importance. The author talks about our memories on Earth and says this..."For those now in Heaven, the records of life on Earth still exist. Malachi 3:16 says there's a "scroll of remembrance" that even now is being written in Heaven concerning those living on Earth. Clearly, Heaven is a place for remembering, not forgetting. Memory is a basic element of personality. If we are truly ourselves in Heaven, there must be continuity of memory from Earth to Heaven. We will not be different people, but the same people marvelously relocated and transformed. Heaven will cleanse us, but it will not revise or extinguish our origins or history. Undoubtedly, we will remember God's works of grace in our lives that comforted, assured, sustained, and empowered us to live for him."

Later Mr. Alcorn talks about the brief interruption of relationships when someone goes to be with the Lord and states, "Questions about our loved ones remembering us or possibly praying for us are rooted in our desire to be assured that our relationship with them continues even though we can't see them. But of that we can be certain. Though we naturally grieve the death of loved ones, we know that if they are believers, we will one day be reunited. As the apostle Paul writes, "We want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died" (1 Thessalonians 4:13-14). Their parting is not the end of our relationship with them, only an interruption. We have not "lost" them, because we know where they are. They are experiencing the joy of Christ's presence in a place so wonderful that Christ called it paradise." Talk about peace!

Well, I want to be sure and thank you again for all of the prayers and support coming our way! We would ask that you also pray for our friends we have met online that are walking this same road or have recently lost their little ones. I would have never guessed how the Lord would work through the internet to bring families like ours together to be of support and prayer! Our personal prayer for this week is that we find out what we are facing with Maddox, specifically related to his heart, at our doctor's appointment on Thursday. This is with the wonderful physician who first diagnosed us and who we have much confidence in... Oh, and a piece of good news~ his office has been helping us find a group of neonatologists in the Med Center who would be willing to help us through the rest of the pregnancy and they called today to say that they found an office that is fantastic. We'll get more of that info on Thursday as well, so we'll keep you updated.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27


Mandy said…
I am so glad you are getting the peace that you are praying for and others are praying for you. I am thinking of you and knowing each day you have with your little Maddox will be beautiful and exactly as God intended. God bless you.

Rhondi said…
I am praying for you & sweet Maddox. Praise God that he is alive & well inside you.
Laurie said…
I will continue praying for the specific things that you request and I am so glad to read that peace is with you. Asking for the time you have with Maddox to be sweet and full of grace. Praying for your Thursday appointment too.

Laurie in Ca.
Kim said…
Kenzie, I will continue to pray for the peace to be revealed to you and your family. I will pray for Thursday's appointment specifically. You and Maddox are on my mind and in my heart daily.
Laura said…
God love ya Kenzie,

As I was reading your blog and lifting Maddox up to the Lord in prayer, the words of the song Turn! Turn! Turn! (a bit before your time ;) kept filling my head. So off I went to Ecclesiastes 3:1-2; There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heavens. A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to uproot the plant. Again in 3:11, He has made everything appropriate to its time, and has put the timeless into their hearts, without men’s ever discovering, from beginning to end, the work which God has done.
God’s time should not be rushed. My prayer for your family is that your doctors are God centered and understand that our Lord may wait until the time of Maddox’s birth to grant His grace.

May the Peace of Christ envelope you, Maddox, Dusty and Deacon.

Aunt Laura
Emily said…
I love you heart! Your sweet comment on my blog blessed me, then I came here to check on you and found that you words blessed me once more. Girl, your God is doing a work in you! Stay right there, at His feet, and trust Him with all your heart. Cling to Proverbs 3:5 with everything you have. And rub that sweet boy for me. ;)

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