Let Down

All day today I have been glancing at my clock, staring at my phone, looking at the calendar and thinking "January 26th... today means something but what is it? What am I forgetting?" It literally, JUST NOW, dawned on me. It's another one of those "dates". Weird? Maybe, but if you are a mom who has sent a child home to be with Jesus, I've realized that it just might be part of life. I'm beginning to see a trend and I don't necessarily like it but dates stick out in my mind... and today? Today was Maddox's service two years ago.

I suppose it is fitting that today has been more emotionally charged than any other day leading up to his birthday... it was two year ago as well that I cried myself to sleep, for the only time ever, understanding the finality of letting Maddox go. Today on January 26th, two years later, the emotional charges are somewhat different. I'm not experiencing the feelings of intense grief, deep sorrow, overwhelming pain or the trembling fear I felt to face the world, but instead ones of sadness, confusion, hurt and of being let down. Nope, not by God, but by people.

Have you felt that way before? Just totally let down, brought to tears, by someone that you had high expectations of? I know that biblically speaking it is a certain truth that virtually everyone, at some point in our lives, will let us down- our parents, our children, our husbands, our friends, our pastors, the list just goes on... I know that is why God truly is who He says He is... the Only One who always has bigger plans, a bigger perspective, our Sure Foundation... But sometimes, lets just be honest, that knowledge still doesn't make the pain that is inflicted by those we love any less hurtful.

Sometimes it's unintentional. Sometimes it's for lack of knowledge. Sometimes you might even wonder if maybe it's unjustified... maybe it's just not that big of a deal. And then just as quickly you realize how real your emotions are and if it is important to you, then it should be important to those that love you. And really, it probably is... For the most part, it certainly is. But it is hurtful and confusing all the same. You wonder, how could they let me down like this?

So these emotions- anger, hurt, disappointment, sadness, frustration, bitterness, resentment- these feelings of being let down... what do you do with them? You might get angry and cry. You might talk and yell. You might process them over and over in your mind and you just might seek counsel from other trusted people. I've done all of those today.

But as for me tonight, because these emotions have dictated my day and brought me to tears on numerous occasions, I know that I only have one choice. I am going to take them to the Lord. Lay them down at His feet. Ask for strength and commitment not to pick them back up again. Ask for forgiveness, for patience, for love. If I fail, I'll ask again. As hard as it is and as much as I want to hold on to them, I know they are only hurting me. God can take them away. He can help me to forgive those who have hurt me so deeply, those who love me so much. Heaven knows I've hurt others. I can't even fathom how often I've received the grace of forgiveness when I've let other people down. It's grace that I don't deserve. It's life in Christ.

Does it still hurt? Yes. Will I eventually address it when I am more calm? Yes. But to be able to release this... it will change my world, for me, immediately.

"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."- Romans 5:5