Extreme Makeover
I've thought several times over these last few days about what I now have to say... and honestly I'm still not sure. I know that I can't believe yesterday marked one week already. It's been one week since our tiny Maddox entered this world and slipped from it almost immediately. I don't really understand how a week can go by so quickly, and yet... how it can feel like I last felt my child in my arms years ago.
“From the end of the earth I will cry to you when my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”- Psalm 61:2
I know what I loved most of my time with him is his touch. The time I spent holding him in my arms, rubbing his little body and telling him how much I loved him. I can close my eyes or look at the pictures and remember his beautiful face, but the memory of feeling him, so little and light, in my arms is something that brings me great joy... and with it great pain. The other night as I cried, I could honestly feel physical pain... I ached to have Maddox with me again. What I would give to be able to hold him. What I would give to have him back to love on, to pray with and to kiss. Oh, what I would give...
“His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23
Each day, each moment, has been new and different. Most have been very good, some have been excruciating. I feel safe in my house right now, so that is where I've been. I feel most myself when I am with Deacon as he can so quickly remind me of the "normal"~ playing puzzles, and trucks and trains... he has been my gravity through this last week. Dusty, well, he has been my rock. He has been phenomenal. He has loved on me through the tears, kissed my face, and held me as I couldn't control myself.
...But I have to say that it's funny. Funny because although I've cried many tears, truly I thought I would have cried so many more. I have spent wonderful days watching movies, going to the park, running little errands, potting plants... small things that give me a sense of normalcy. I do have to admit that I have strange feelings when I get out, like I suddenly don't want to be in public. It's weird. It's almost like I've just come home from a war and I need to decompress... like I need time to settle back in. Or maybe it's like being halfway through an Extreme Makeover and I don't want people to see me before my transformation is complete. I guess that is more precise... God has taken me through an Extreme Makeover and I'm not quite sure how to be this same, but completely changed person.
Undoubtedly the Lord has been so good, so gentle through this time of tremendous sadness. I have never once felt abandoned or alone... I KNOW that He hasn't left. He promises that. Joshua 1:5-6- “…I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous…” This sadness that I feel, and is being played out through the rain outside my window, is not one without hope however. I am so thankful for my sweet friends that remind me of that... as Paul says, we aren't grieving as those who are without hope. I am grieving with the assurance that I will see my son again. I know with complete certainty where he is and that is what I cling to through these unsure feelings.
As I talked with Dusty and Alma (my mother-in-law) last night, we discussed the pain. The hurt. The aching and longing to be with Maddox. And then we began talking about God's pain. How much pain He felt as He sent His Only Son to the cross to die for each of us. How when Jesus gave up his spirit, the Earth shook and went dark. How the veil was torn. How it poured down rain. To us, all of those are signs of Our Father grieving. It's the pain and loss of His Son. ...God isn't immune to these feelings of pain and hurt. He knows our sense of great love and tragic loss. He doesn't expect us not to be sad. In fact, I believe He even cries with us. But, through his pain He painted a picture of how to walk with him through the storm. Grieving is good, the pain and longing are fine... as long as we keep our eyes on the One who walked before us, and walks with us... as long as I trust that the child that I gave over to Him will remain eternally whole, and in the happiest, most glorious place imaginable.
“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”- Philippians 4:7
Comments
God's strength in you continues to amaze me, and it helps me to praise Him all the better. Your last paragraph especially was so right on. Grieving is good as long as we keep our eyes on Him!! Just as Peter taught us, the storm can rage around us and we can still be safe just as long as we keep our eyes on Him. It's only when we look away that we begin to sink into the waters.
I too can't believe it's been just a week. I am praying for you all!
As I have said before, you're faith in God amazes me! You are forever changed by Maddox. We are forever changed by him. I look at his sweet pictures and I am touched by his angelic face. I know you wish you could see that face every day, but God gets to see it now. You have this connection with Maddox that will never go away. You are bonded together forever. He is waiting for you and wanting you to live your life the best way you know how. And that is through Christ. You are an amazing woman and you have been made over by our Creator (The Extreme Makeover King). ;0) I will continue to pray for you and your family.
In Christ,
Aimee
Maddox's picture is perfect. Just like him. I pray often that you are reunited with him in your dreams... that you can hold him, feel him and REMEMBER the physical just as you will always remember the love you have for him.
Love, Laurie in Ca.
Lori C. (have read for many weeks)
Praying for you.
Mandy
GA
www.madelinegracehopkins.blogspot.com
You do not know me and I can honestly tell you I am not sure how I came about your blog. I can understand the pain that you are going through. My husband and I lost our twin boys almost 4 years ago at 5 1/2 mos of pregnancy. I believe that is the hardest thing we have gone through but God has brought us through it. Some days it feels like we just lost them and days it seems like ages ago. You and your family will be in my prayers. Know that Hayden and Evan were waiting at the gates for your precious Maddox.
We will see our boys again...
May God's Loving arms surround you and comfort you...
Jennifer Seabolt
Kim
Your words you continue to write are truly inspirational. As we continue everyday to build our relationships with God you have been one of the many pieces that help us grow in faith. I can't even imagine loosing a child but I can relate with grief. Your words reminding us of the pain that God must have felt when he gave up his son makes it easier to work through the grief we feel. The loved ones that go before us are safe and happy in our eternal home watching down on us as we continue to live out God's wills for us during our time on this earth until we are reunited once again. Continue to trust in God and he will continue your healing. He loves you unconditionally.
love and blessings
Sabrina and Tom
You couldn't know how much I needed to read your words this morning, as I have begun to feel anxious as the day for M's next surgery draws near. The things you share, just one week after losing Maddox (!), are such a blessing to me, reminding me that God can calm the fears that I, myself, can't.
You've reminded me that He IS safe, and will hold her safely as I hand her to others to care for her. And that He will also hold me.
I continue to pray for God's blessings on you as you somehow manage to bless US by allowing your Maker to mature you in this painful time, and then share your experience with us.
I am so grateful for you, and for the words you share here ... particularly these: "I have never once felt abandoned or alone." Evidence that God is proving His arms are a secure place for you.
connie
What a great post. Sometimes it is so hard to find the words, but you do it beautifully. It is interesting, my post this morning seems a bit related to what you have written. Last night I was reading from Matthew and came upon this verse....
"Jesus took Peter and Zebedee's two sons, James and John and he began to be filled with anguish and deep istress. He told them, "My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and watch over me." Matthew 26:37-38
It amazed me to think that even Jesus felt crushed with grief. He no doubt knew that the greater plan was good, and yet was overcome by a grief so crushing he compared it to death! We can be assured that even when no one else seems to understand, He does! That is a great feeling.
If you haven't read it I highly recommend the One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie...she too has lost a child, actually two. She has a great perspective on grief and how to grieve with hope.
what a precious video! i am speechless just beautiful amazing...i too admire your faith strength and your spirits. i just want you to know that families like yours is an inspiration to me.
With much love and prayer
Amy
You said it the best... "I know what I loved most of my time with him is his touch. The time I spent holding him in my arms, rubbing his little body and telling him how much I loved him. I can close my eyes or look at the pictures and remember his beautiful face, but the memory of feeling him, so little and light, in my arms is something that brings me great joy... and with it great pain. The other night as I cried, I could honestly feel physical pain...".
So much of what you write is how I felt back in Nov and Dec. Going out in public wasn't the best, especially since I'd almost lose it when I saw very pregnant women or newborn babies. I hunkered down in my home and made it known I didn't want phone calls or visitors...for the most part. Family and a couple very close friends helped through those first few weeks. Enjoy Deacon and the "normal" times you can share with him, as that's been my experience also with my 2 little girls. Thank you for reminding me of the undoubting love and pain our Father has for us. Praying for you...
Kristin Edwards
Please remember, Grief is a journey and at times is like a river. You'll be going along great! Smooth sailing and then BOOM a HUGE wave will come and just overpower you and leave you shaken and sobbing and screaming 'Where are you Lord!'
Also please remember Even JESUS at one point said 'Father Why have thou forsaken me' God understands what we as bereaved parents are going through. He's lost a child also. He cries when we cry.
I also want to reccomend a book 'Grace for Grief: Daily comfort for Those who Mourn' It's a daily devotional book with enough scripture to get you through the entire first year after your loss.
God bless you are in my prayers
Thank you.