Absent is again what I've been lately. The weeks have been flying by and with preschool out and the beginning of summer upon us, I have just felt busy. A few weeks ago busy came in the form of distraction because I couldn't get my mind off of the doctor's appointment that was looming. To be honest, I really wasn't in a good place and I'm pretty sure Dusty was ready to ship me off and wait for the old wife to come back :) After being so emotional, our appointment almost 2 weeks ago brought welcomed relief when I heard that this baby boy was "beautiful." God showed up BIG TIME in the office that day as many friends and family prayed for our peace and for a healthy child. I cried through much of the appointment; asking specific questions and wanting to know everything they saw, both good and bad. Praise God that on that day that was so reminiscent of the 18-week appointment with Maddox, only good news was to be heard.

Busyness now that I am better able to focus has presented itself more as a "to do" list. Between cleaning, laundry, cooking, running errands, play dates, swimming lessons and just trying to have fun with my littles here, I'm feeling like there is less and less disposable time to sit and write. Even my quiet time has been severely lacking which probably accounts for some of the major anxiety prior to the doctor's appointment a few weeks back. It's a constant struggle for balance and although I feel better now, I know that my commitment need to be stepped up. Isn't it funny how we can walk so intimately at times with the Lord and then, after all we've learned, we can still step back from that incredible love?? It seems crazy to me how I can let this happen...

As most of y'all can relate, music has been a huge sense of comfort and relief for me through these past several years of grieving and loss. Each year there seems to be a song or two that jump out at me and remind me so much of Maddox... so much of what the Lord has done for us... how much He loves us and will never leave us. Last year the songs were By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North and You're Not Shaken by Phil Stacey. This year it seems to be How He Loves by David Crowder Band and Safe by Phil Wickham.

Safe has had a lot of airtime on KSBJ lately and whenever I'm home I hear it on The Message. Each time it plays I crank it up (to which Deacon yells "too loud mom!" but then proceeds to sing) and just let the words soak into me. A weird thing always happens when the music is loud... I start to cry. I don't think that it's necessarily because I'm always thinking of Maddox but instead because of where the words touch me... in that place within where I long for eternity.

Each time I hear this song, I picture those brief moments of holding Maddox in that hospital bed and whispering to him...

"Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas
Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet
With a love so strong, he'll never let you go
oh you're not alone...

You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms..."

And God saying to ME...
"'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart"
(my heart... that piece of me that is already with Christ in Heaven)

Back to Maddox...
"This is the promise He made
He will be with You always"

The Lord to me:
"When everything is falling apart"

To both of us:
"You will be safe in His arms"

"Then His disciples came to Him and awoke Him, saying, “Lord, save us! We are perishing!” But He said to them, “Why are you fearful, O you of little faith?” Then He arose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm. So the men marveled, saying, “Who can this be, that even the winds and the sea obey Him?”- Matthew 8:25-27


Blue Maiden said…
Sweet post! Thank you.
Laurie in Ca. said…
Love this Kenzie and thank you for being you. I am so thankful baby boy is beautiful and wonderfully made by a God who loves us so much. Maddox is beautiful too and I say "is" because he lives:) I am praying you through again, as I did with Maddox and Faith. Different children, different times but the same God who never makes mistakes. I love you and your family Kenzie and pray Gods best for you all.

Love and Hugs, Laurie
Emily said…
Beautiful perspective. Love that song. And you. :)
Devin said…
Oh, Kenz. This post gave me chills...I too, love both of the songs you mentioned. Safe is one of Shane's favorites, and he is now trying to learn it on the guitar so that I can sing it in church...I will see that one in a whole new way now!

Praying for you--through your busyness, through the to-do's...I know how it is, and I have lost a bit of that closeness myself lately (ashamedly). This was a reminder I needed today. Love you friend.
prashant said…
I love you and your family Kenzie and pray Gods best for you all.
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