Captiv(ated)

Are you being held captive? Is something holding you back, making you less likely to take that next step? Preventing you from hearing that still, small voice? Are you caught in trap? Paralyzed by fear? Run-down by everyday life? Thoughts consumed by what-ifs or whats-nots? Is there something that you just can't let go of? What is holding you captive?

I've been thinking about this a lot lately because we're getting close to that point. The point where we were when we found out Maddox was sick and our world was turned upside down. For the most part I've been okay. But then... well, then there are some days when I feel like a prisoner. I've had my share of breakdowns so far. It's not like it was while pregnant with Faith Clare because I'm 2 years out, not just 2 months; however, worry and fear have managed to
worm their way into my thoughts and sometimes it almost seems too much. Thankfully I can say that I'm not overwhelmed with fear, but many times I do feel a bit captive.

To be honest, frequently I'm ashamed that I can even feel this way. I know the truth and yet, I feel like an Israelite in the Old Testament. They too knew the truth and yet they kept reverting to their sinful ways, allowing the flesh to interfere with the truth of God's Word. It was commonplace then and it's so easy now to read those old scripture verses and think "how do you not get it!!??"... yet here I am and so often I'm the same one who doesn't get it.

I have lived God's presence. I have felt His breath on my face, His arms wrapped around me, His tremendous gift in my hands. I have seen Him move in ways that I can't even articulate and yet, I'm allowing past experiences to draw me out of today and take me to the yesterday of sorrow and the tomorrow of dread, fear, and doubt. I don't want to be held captive to unfounded worry but instead live in the truth of His promises. Those promises that I clung to while expecting each of my children, but especially my Maddox. Those promises that I told my family I would hold tightly to as we walked this amazing road again. The promise that my God knew this child growing inside me before the earth was formed, that every detail is perfectly in His control. I trust that my Father has a perfect plan that will come to fruition with my help, or in spite of me.

Either way, I don't need to be held captive.

The Lord has freed me from captivity. He has freed me from fear and worry and has in fact commanded me over and over again to NOT fear. In one of many places in scripture He says "whatever is true... and praiseworthy, think on such things!" (Philippians 4:8) Do you realize what that is saying? He is speaking clearly instructing to not to be held captive but instead to be captivated!

Those beautiful blessings in our lives are things that are "praiseworthy" right? Well, then shouldn't all things that are worthy of praise make us stop, look directly into the face of our Savior and be captivated by His goodness... His grace... His love?

The other night, with my daughter's head drooped over my shoulder and my head resting on hers, I prayed aloud as I do each night. I prayed for things that are prayed for each night and then suddenly I just began praising. I began to tell Him that instead of being held captive to fear, that I was captivated by His love for me. That I was so thankful for the blessing of each of my babies. For my children here. For the intimate time He allowed me to experience with Him during our journey with Maddox. For our health, for fishing, for our home, for the ability to laugh, for our family, for the weather... the list went on. It was a stunning time of worship and since that night I have felt so much more "freed up". I realized in those moments that I so desperately want to be captivated by my Lord, but I have to allow Him the time to even draw my gaze.

It is a terrible place to be in when you feel shackled... when you feel chained to something that you can't seem to break free from. Instead of being held captive by something, allow each thought that enters your mind to be captive only to God's truth, and be captivated by His presence in your life. Take a longer look around you and you'll see the blessings everywhere. It is so beautiful... and so freeing.

Here are a few images of people that absolutely CAPTIVATE me...


"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."- 2 Corinthians 10:5