Who's Strength?

Today I was confronted with a question that I haven't faced in some time... definitely not since the birth of my third precious child... and not even for months before that. You could say it's been a LONG time. Of course this was not just any question but THE question that I struggled with so long ago. Maybe I have unknowingly surrounded myself with people that "know" and therefore don't have to ask, or maybe it is simply that I have been a little "laid up" since September. Whatever it is, I faced it head-on today... exactly 1 year ago to the day (not date) that sweet Maddox was born. I hate making excuses but I truly don't think that it is a fear of the real world or meeting new people... I just haven't had to confront it. That is... until today. Today it came up. It came up not only once. Not twice. Not even three times. Yeah, I answered the question four times today in the only way I know how.

I have three children.

It was that "mixed" feeling I had as soon as the words left my mouth. Words that many of you mamas have had to search for as well. Words that, if you haven't, I pray that you never will. Words that feel fumbly and awkward as you struggle to explain... as you struggle to not make others feel sorrow or pity or awkward themselves but yet somehow try to preserve the memory of your child that is gone. I know... "to each his own." I totally agree that each mama should answer in the way that is only right and appropriate for her and for that reason I still choose to say three. I know what it feels like for me to leave Maddox out and I have left feeling sick and wanting to literally tackle the person I said that to in an attempt to take it back... to explain my answer.

So today I said three. I think in the foreseeable future I will say three. Did I caveat my answer and feel the need to justify? ... Today I did. In the future I might not. Either way, although today was so much about that simple question- it was also about so much more. God had something big to reveal to me...

See, we are just beginning the study No Other Gods by Kelly Minter and our teacher was giving an overview of the study, talking about the "common" idols (money, children, media, etc.) and how this study actually makes you confront other idols you might have never considered. Now, I certainly wouldn't be bold or arrogant enough to say "not me" regarding many different idols in my life, but check this out... As I sat there and "listened", these thoughts were running around in my mind...

Wow, Kenz... pretty impressive. You just answered that TOUGH question that used to make you cry. You did it well... You didn't even get emotional. Girl, you have come a long way in a year. Just think of where you were on this day last year and how well you have done. You are living... you are managing. Gosh, not even just managing, but thriving! Way to go! You are so strong. Others grieve daily and here you are, approaching Maddox's first birthday and you are holding it all together. Look how together you are!

I'm feeling pretty good about myself. I'm feeling like this study is going to be great and in the coming weeks it's going to show me so much... Little do I know.

Then we get to small group. You know... introductions. Most of the people sitting at the table are friends I have known for years and they "know"... But there are a few girls there that don't. So here it was, the fourth time having to answer the question. As everyone proceeds around the table to answer get-to-know-you questions, I am feeling sicker and sicker. I see it from the beginning. I am the last one to answer. Each person answers casually and it is getting closer and closer... WHAT?? I answered this question completely emotionless just an hour earlier and here I am LOSING IT at the thought. It's finally my turn and I say "I'm married to Dusty and we have... I'm feeling so sick... we have three kids. (...tears, struggling to speak, to breathe... can't quite get it out...) Deacon is 3, Maddox would have been one in two days, and Faith Clare is 10. 10 months. No, 10 weeks. I can't even think..." I continue to answer the questions with tears pouring down my face. I glance around the table, looking into the eyes of my friends. A few friends who sat with me one year ago at the hospital. Several other friends who sent cards, brought meals, and prayed and prayed and prayed for our family prior to meeting Maddox and walking with me through the grief. As I peered into the eyes of those sitting at the table with me and saw their tear-filled eyes as well... God spoke so clearly to my heart.

Isn't it interesting how you think YOU did this? How YOU managed so well? How YOU got through the grief? Who did all of this? Who's strength did you rely on for so long?? Was it your own? What about these people that surround you? Think Kenzie, Who's words did you turn to? Who gave you comfort all these months? Who continues to fill your heart and bless you? Why are you now taking the credit for something that only I am big enough to handle? Kenzie, I love you but it is only through MY STRENGTH that you have done ANY of this.

Honestly, He brought me to my knees today. He showed me that in a moment... on my own ignorant self-reliance... that I can absolutely fall apart. Those thoughts I had as I "listened" weren't ones that were from the Lord. They were self-centered thoughts... ones of pride and ones that Satan has slowly been feeding me. Then suddenly, in a flash, I could see the grip that he has had on my life. I have permitted these idols to take up residence~ idols of self-reliance and pride. Somehow secretly loving the fact that I was "coping" and feeling a certain amount of pride at "how well" I was doing. It's like because I'm consciously not allowing grief and fear to dictate my life now, I have been unknowingly giving way to a God-ignoring, prideful, self-dependence. It's absolutely sick... and so revealing. God grabbed a hold of me with two hands today.

Now you see it... Hopefully soon you won't. It will be a lifelong battle to give up control.

Thank you, Lord, for again revealing to me my need for you and YOU ALONE. I cannot and do not want to do this on my own. I again turn my life over to you. YOU are my strength and I ask for you to be my Rock and my Foundation. Fill me with your peace and Lord, continue to reveal areas in my life that I still cling tightly to... areas that must be turned over to you. Thank you for my children, all three, and the testimony that you have given me to share of your complete faithfulness. I love you and trust you with my life and theirs.

"But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you."- Psalm 5:11 (God's Word- My prayer of protection over my children)