My Song

Maternity picture with Maddox
Suzanne Box Photography

Life seems to be slowing down a bit lately. Maybe it's just in my head because the holiday season, and this week, certainly aren't moving slowly... However, I seem to be catching myself, beyond all reason and amongst the chaos of parties, dinners, programs, shopping and outings, feeling like I can breathe a little bit more... a little bit deeper. The breath that fills my lungs and my sleep-deprived body is the breath of life, and I'm just now recognizing it. New-life. Life on the other side of the dark tunnel. Fuller life. Complete, perfect, beautiful life... Life through my baby girl's middle-of-the-night feedings, my boys' laughter, my friends' calls, my family's voices, my "strangers" prayers, and my God's promises. It's a rich, full life and I'm feeling in many ways that after 17 months of holding my breath, I can finally just breathe.

Thank you, Jesus, for answered prayers.

The healing is so good... so amazing... but in all of this I also don't want to be misleading. It's not even been a year since we met Maddox and sent him on to be with the Lord, and with the breath of life on earth comes the stark reminder of the eternal life of our second child. A beautiful, spectacular, undeserved eternal life with an all-loving, everlasting God, but an eternal life that some days seems like an eternity apart. I know to the very core of my being that what seems like an eternity is just a short time and for us there will never be an eternal separation... sometimes it just feels that way. Those moments when it still really hurts.

Sweet, yet often times painful reminders bring me to the floor mentally, but now with that freedom of air and breath and life I can permit the tears to fall, and then wipe them away smiling. I think of the journey that we have walked, where we have been, and am more fully able to smile, trusting in God's plan for our family's future. I know that won't ever be complete here on this earth, as a family or as all that God wants us to be, but our wholeness comes from Him filling in those incomplete pieces. My heart will always ache for the precious son I knew intimately for 8 months, but I am so thankful for the time we did have.

As I have thought so much about the path we have walked, especially during this Christmas season, I have also been thinking about Mary's path... Mary's song. She traveled a wearisome road, caring the Son of God inside her young body. She undoubtedly was confused, surprised, scared and unsure. She felt like no one understood and yet, somehow over time, she did. She couldn't have possibly known what was ahead on the road but the Lord always remained faithful, revealing things to her in pieces. She asked for God's love, His help, His protection and His peace. I am sure that at the end of her life she knew that God had used her in a mighty way and she was so thankful for His bigger purpose- saving the world through her Son, all God and all man, one precious soul at a time.

When I hear the song Breath of Heaven, it makes me think of Mary's journey... and it makes me think of my own. A journey that many mothers of these special children can understand, but a journey that no one else can own. It's my journey... my path... my song. I am no way claiming to be ANYTHING like Mary, just simply saying that I can identify with so many of the feelings that she experienced. I can identify with the words of this beautiful Amy Grant song, not because my Maddox was the Messiah, but because he too is a son of God and for me, MY breath of Heaven. As we held our tiny son in our arms for those few short hours, we did hold a piece of Heaven. I asked God to help me, to hold me, to be forever near me... to allow me to submit to His plan for our lives. This song is Mary's song, and yet, it also feels so much like my song. Each time I hear it those tears flow freely down my face as I think of my amazing son, now with his Eternal Father.

Breath of Heaven- Mary's Song
Amy Grant

I have traveled many moonless nights
Cold and weary, with a babe inside
And I wonder what I've done
Holy Father, you have come
And chosen me now
To carry your son

I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone,
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now
Be with me now

Chorus:
Breath of heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of heaven
Breath of heaven
Light in my darkness
Pour over me your holiness
For you are holy

Breath of heaven

Do you wonder as you watch my face
If a wiser one one should have had my place
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan
Help me be strong
Help me be
Help me

(Chorus)
(Chorus)

Breath of heaven
Breath of heaven
Breath of heaven

"In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind."- Job 12:10