Looking Back

As I was preparing last night for my plans today, I spent some time looking back over my journal that I kept after we found out about Maddox. I had seveal entries before I decided to try blogging, and last night as I read, I felt so thankful that I have those thoughts recorded. I want to share the first one in the journal, just 2 weeks after Maddox's diagnosis. I continue to see God's faithfulness through this story as He has been absolutely present, from the beginning to the end.

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October 11th, 2007

So here we are… exactly 20 weeks pregnant with our precious Maddox, and 2 weeks after finding out that he has several “problems”- spina bifida was the first thing identified on the ultrasound. It was just an unreal feeling when they look at you and tell you something is wrong with your baby. This perfect little person that is growing inside of you… well, you’re now told that they aren’t perfect after all. To us he’s perfect, and to God he is perfect… that is why he was created as he is- with a chromosome disorder called Trisomy 18.

After the amnio results are officially back in, they tell us that this is a “fluke.” Even in all my emotion I know better than that. If God ordains my marriage and surrounds me with loving friends and family- what about this is a “fluke?” The Lord knew long before I was even born that this was a road we were to walk- this situation is especially for us. A test? Sure, why not? And I’m NOT going to fail. That is why we chose life for our Maddox Donald Stanfield- however long that life may be.

That thought is definitely hard- part of me, the selfish part, in some way just wants to meet my baby soon… more because I look to the grief and pain on the other side and I can also see healing, far past those things that are immediately in front of me. But as I rejoice with two of my friends who have just had perfect little babies in the last week and a half, I long to feel that normalcy, if only for a minute, of being able to hold my perfect child in my arms too. I want to see his sweet face… to have Dusty stand with me as we praise the Lord for our two little boys! I want Deacon to be able to see and hold his little brother, and to one day be able to look at a picture and see us as that happy family of four. My heart is so thankful, and yet it breaks every time Deacon asks “my baby?” His other little friends now have a new addition to their family and he wants one too. I do tell him “your baby’s name is Maddox” and we pray for him often. We pray for Maddox at night with Deacon, and yet, it seems like when I’m alone, I lack the words. I guess I feel like the Lord, who allowed for this to take place, is somehow big enough to know my heart and my prayers. And still there is something to be said about speaking them aloud.

I am tired of the waiting and the unknown already, and it has only been two short weeks. We could have 20 more to go! I pray in this time that the Lord will calm my heart and teach me to wait patiently on His perfect timing. Still, it seems a little ironic that I talk about “timing” when I am already looking ahead with this stark reality that I am going to have to let this child go… that I am going to have to bury my baby. Something about that seems so wrong… so unnatural.

But I know that one word, one whisper from the heavens can change all of this and make my Maddox whole and well. I definitely don’t doubt how big, how powerful and mighty our God is… but I also have to face reality and know that for some reason He might not, probably won’t, decide to change anything. My biggest fears reside in the time when he is born and Dusty and I have to make decisions for his care. Knowing his spine is already exposed and him having brain cysts, a probable heart condition, and the Trisomy itself… it all just sounds so terrible.

My prayer is simply that Maddox might know only love and protection from his family. I am trying so desperately to enjoy each moment of this pregnancy, just as I did with Deacon. I am trying to get to know little things about my second baby boy that I won’t know on earth. I love feeling him kick, knowing that he is moving around and reacting to those little factors that affect his body- what food I eat, how I talk to him and his big brother, if I push on him and he pushes back. He IS my baby and that will always be true. I love him unconditionally and need to be patient, taking each day as its own. That is how Dusty is doing it, and although I’m a planner and someone who often looks forward, I am going to love each day independently of the one before it. I will honor the Lord in my actions, words and thoughts. I will rejoice in my family and count each blessing in my life as beautiful.

"I will sing of the LORD's great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations." - Psalm 89:1