Tiny Offering

Today has been a rather quiet day of reflection. In the unusually cold, rainy Nebraska weather, I somehow feel that what is taking place outside the window has played a part in setting the tone for my more reflective mood.

Earlier this morning, when I was driving with Deacon, the song "God with Us" by MercyMe came on. Aside from the two songs played at Maddox's service (In Better Hands- Natalie Grant, Inside Out- Hillsong), this is definitely the one that always makes me think of my second little one.

Near the end of the song, the lyrics say "Just a tiny offering, compared to Calvary. But never-the-less, we lay this at your feet..." I drove around the neighborhood just to hear the song all the way through and let the tears fall from my eyes. Maddox, both literally and figuratively, was a tiny offering. What we had to give up just 12 short weeks ago was nothing compared to what Jesus gave up for us on that cross on Calvary... and yet, although Maddox always belonged to the Lord, it doesn't make it any less difficult. He is our offering, whether we chose it or not, and thankfully, we weren't allowed to make the choice for his condition... We did however choose life and to trust our mighty God through all of it.

The picture in my mind is beautiful and yet, sometimes so difficult. Maddox, laying at the feet of Jesus. Our offering... one that Our Father willingly accepted. It's hard, and still it brings me great peace. Just because Maddox is in Heaven, the rest of us are not absolved from making our lives "an offering" as we live out His will here. This song can speak to our lives, to giving everything over to Him, to fully trusting His peace, His power, His love, and His providence. "All that is within me cries, for you alone be glorified, Immanuel, God with us. My heart sings a brand new song. The debt is paid. These chains are gone... Immanuel, God with us."

These lyrics bring me tears, but also joy. Joy that God has been so good. That He has promised so much and delivered so much more. We are joyful for the gift of peace and the way He has restored us... the way He continues to heal us.

And then sometimes... well, sometimes I wonder if we are "too good"... Are we acting like this didn't happen?

Reality tells me that it isn't true. I know we aren't doing "too good" and if I pretend to be somehow worse off than I really am, that I am denying God's gift of peace and all that we have prayed to receive. I have trusted in His promise of hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11), and He has so willingly given that to us. And still, on days like today, I am reminded of all that we have lived through. All of the heartbreak, the pain, the dashed hopes, the fear... The residue of those feelings are still there, but now I am able to see more clearly. I am able to see what has seemingly quickly taken their places: healing, joy, anticipation, and peace.

I know this isn't over. Far from it... I still love and miss my Maddox. I still want to talk about him, even cry over him if needed... those things will undoubtedly remain FOREVER. However, let me repeat just how thankful we are for this road less traveled. For the peace, for the prayers, for the support, and for God's restoration... We are simply on a journey and pray that our lives, our "offerings", will be acceptable to the Lord.

"O LORD, if you will, please grant success to the journey on which I have come." Genesis 24:42