Answered Prayer

As I sit here this morning, on what should have been the day that we were finally able to meet Maddox, I'm filled with emotion. In the back of my mind somewhere, it's hard to suppress some of the questions that have popped up... would he have made it a little while longer if he had 2 more weeks of growth? Would his heart have been stronger to make it an hour past delivery and not just a few seconds? And then on the other hand I wonder... would I have had to deliver a child that I knew was no longer alive? Would I have arrived at the hospital last night to a motionless sensation in my tummy? It's strange. I haven't spent a lot of time wondering about these things, but on this morning, on the 5th, the day that was marked out on our calendar and said "Time to Meet Maddox"... I allow them to enter my mind.

It's okay though. I know that I can consider those questions... with tears or without. They can enter my mind for a time because I know that it doesn't make any difference. It doesn't change the way that everything progressed and it certainly doesn't change the fact that I know, without an ounce of doubt, that the Lord's timing and mighty hand was over the entire time. The way I was at playgroup when this happened. The way I had someone to take Deacon home and someone to take me to Dr. Rowe's office. The way my friends jumped into action to help me gather things from home, call our friends, organize a prayer service, and be with me until Dusty arrived. The way we were incredibly blessed with three tremendous Christian nurses that cared for our every need and helped us plan for our time with Maddox. The way that Dusty arrived in record time. The way that my family was able to converge and drive 14 hours to be present in these life-changing moments. The way my mother-in-law was able to catch a flight and be with us within 7 hours after the phone call. The way I could feel my sweet boy moving until I got my epidural. And then... well, and then our precious time with Maddox. Oh, how the Lord's hand was over us.

Each of our 10 prayers that we posted and spent that December night in prayer over... each of them was answered... the doctors, the decisions, the peace. The other evening when I pulled them up and turned on Natalie Grant's "In Better Hands" (sung by Lizi Bailey of Matthew and Lizi at Maddox's service), I honestly couldn't believe my eyes. I sat there with tears streaming down my face in complete amazement. Each and every prayer request was answered in God's timing and grace.

I have such a peace because I know that although February 5th was the day we picked, the Lord picked a different day. He picked different ways to answer our prayers than I might have, but HE picked. We had absolutely no control over one thing that happened in those 48 hours. That is definitely one of the things the Lord has been teaching me and that is how we prayed... nothing left in our hands. No questions about did we do the right thing. No questions about imposing our will over the Lords. No questions... And there aren't any.

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”- Philippians 4:7

So as I wonder about today and what this day might have held, it really doesn't matter. I can think about it and wonder, but it doesn't change how our story goes. It doesn't change the unfathomable peace that strangely fills my heart. The peace that, through EACH OF YOU AND YOUR PRAYERS, has flooded our home. We are amazed... and we are so thankful. Thankful because each prayer lifted up for us has been heard and has blanketed us in this time of uncertainty... in this time that we would think should be filled with fear and grief and pain and sorrow.

But please don't stop praying! Don't stop because although we don't reside with those emotions right now, we still feel great sadness. Sadness over what could have been. Sadness over the loss of our sweet baby boy. Sadness over the mark this has left on our family.... Thankfully though, and by the grace of God, we still feel praise. Praise for being able to hold Maddox in our arms. Praise for the way we will never be the same. Praise for His mercy. Praise for His grace. Praise for answered prayers.

“Therefore, I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them.”- Mark 11:24