The Stanfield Journey

Strange Things

2012-01-18T14:11:00.003-06:00

As January rolls around, strange things start happening in me. I'm fine one minute and not the next. Memories swirl. Moments replay. Worship is like opening a floodgate. It's literal music to my ears and yet, scissors to my heart. The week before. The fear and worry. The granted peace and knowledge of truth. The scrambling. The craziness. The room and nurses and doctors. The clear voices and the muffled silence.

Emotions overcome me at the most unexpected times and quite honestly, as silly as this sounds, each year I forget this happens. I never seem to have my makeup handy when I need it and a puffy-faced, tear-streaked mama pretty much always draws attention, whether people want to say anything or not. I'm not actually surprised it does happen, just caught off guard when I'm not "prepared."

Sunday was that day for me so far and as hard as I tried, I couldn't stop the tears from falling. I was fine with it in the middle of worship. I mean, I have that written in my Bible and I couldn't help but laugh later. worship- coming completely undone in the sight of the Lord. That was definitely me! But then during the service (which was about lust none-the-less!) the tears were still rolling. (People probably thought I was upset about the message... wonder how that looked!?) I even had to excuse myself before service got out and cried in a bathroom.

So I'll be honest... logically, this doesn't make sense. Four years ago I was (unknowingly) a week out from meeting and saying goodbye to our son. NO DOUBT that is emotional. But again, head knowledge and heart truth tell me that everything is just how it was ordained to be. The Lord saw fit to call Maddox home. His body was not intended for this place... he is spending eternity with his Lord and Savior, not just mine. That is mind-blowing to me. He is not in pain, hurting or truthfully even concerned with what is going on down here. He is full-time with the Lord. He is good. So are we. So then... what's with being overwhelmed with tears?

Throughout the year, I am usually good. It's a rare occasion to see me crying about what could-have, should-have, might-have been. It's not what is and I trust the Lord. FULLY. We talk about Maddox. He is included in nightly prayers (not praying for him but thanking Jesus for his life). His life, his purpose, his sickness, heaven, prayer, healing, redemption, faith, undying love... it's all part of our family. It's part of our conversation and part of who we are.

And still... four years later I grieve.

And I'm sure you know why. The thought of losing a child is beyond comprehension. The thing is, it's not about him. It's completely, selfishly about me... It's about not having the four children that I have birthed with me. It's about not knowing if his eyes would have changed color like my older two or if he could be into Cars like Deacon was or legos like he is now. It's about wondering if that void will ever be fully filled and knowing that this side of heaven, the Lord is going to have to take it because a piece of me is missing. It's about having so little time with him and fearing he will be forgotten. It's about heart and head and worship and prayer.

It's knowing it's okay when it doesn't feel like it at that moment. Knowing it's okay to hurt, to grieve, to miss him and long for heaven... and ultimately, it's okay to know that this is somehow all part of God's revised plan. This world isn't as He designed it so nothing is how it "should" be. But, He is bigger than just a plan A. Mine or His own. And my simple knowledge that my son is rejoicing and spending eternity with Our Creator... well, when you get right down to it, that's all that matters.

So as strange as this sounds... it still feels strange to grieve like this after years have passed. Our family is filled with joy and love and laughter... but for this mama it is still emotional and sad, even having the faith that we do in Christ Jesus.

So if you know someone who has lost a child, at any age or gestation... Please just love on them a little extra hard. Whatever feels right to you is most likely appropriate and if you don't feel comfortable in person, let them know in a card, email or text. It does a grieving parent's heart good to know that their child is treasured by others, both remembered and loved.

"He will be the sure foundation for your times, a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge; the fear of the LORD is the key to this treasure."- Isaiah 33:6

Pondering Mary

2011-12-12T14:52:00.002-06:00

I've been thinking so much about Mary lately. Yep, Jesus' mother Mary. And not just because my little 3-year-old played her in the preschool play (which I have to admit was adorable), but because of the story itself. All the things briefly referenced in the Bible, but none dwelt upon. About her pure faith. About her obedience. About her age, her fears, the responsibility on her shoulders. About her willingness to do what God the Father called her to, without question. About her favor with the Lord to be chosen to raise the Son of Man.

I remember one of the very first posts I did when I began this blog, asking the question "if Mary would have known how everything would go, how it would all turn out and how she would watch her Son die, would she have still done it?" Would she have said to the angel Gabriel "I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said." (Luke 1:38)? I'm not clear as to how much she understood the prophesy of the Old Testament and how it would be fulfilled through her Son, the Messiah... but I am pretty sure, even through all of the worry and struggle and fear, she would have still done it. She would have faced the ridicule and slander of a pregnancy that no one could comprehend. She would have traveled days on the back of a donkey, nearly in labor, only to give birth in a stinky stable, surrounded by animals. She would have fled to Egypt to live among strangers, to flee a king who wanted to kill her newborn son, the True King.

She would have done all of that. She did do that and so much more. And yet somehow, none of it is about her.

She wasn't perfect. She wasn't without sin. She was just chosen, and called to a purpose so much greater than her own. She found favor with God.

At a time of year when I look at my children, my husband, my decorated tree, my home, the food, and friends and family, I can't help but give thanks. ...And then every once in a while I get a little somber thinking about my child that isn't here. The one who doesn't have a Christmas program or a party to attend. The one I don't get to see open gifts, sing silly carols, or toast with sparkling cider. The one that is remembered only through pictures and ornaments hanging in his memory. I honestly get sad and know that something is missing...

Until once again I hear Jesus whispering, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:8-9)

I remember once again that it's not about me. It's not about my plans, my wants, my struggles. It's only about finding daily favor with God. It's about walking in His ways. It's about my obedience and His love.

I didn't give birth to a king. I certainly didn't give birth to the Savior of the World. But I did give birth to someone who changed the world... who changed my world. And if Mary would do it all again, as I know she would, who am I to say that I wouldn't too. All the pain, the hurt, the fear, the suffering... I would do it again. For one life saved, I would do it again.

And although I don't get to see my Maddox opening gifts on Christmas morning, I can't imagine the glory and splendor he celebrates in the presence of the one who is being lifted up across the globe. While Mary and I have very little in common, we are both mothers of sons who have gone before us, and just as she treasured all the mysterious happenings in her heart... so do I.

God is faithful. God is true. And God works in ways we will only fully understand when we are in His presence worshiping at His feet.

"'Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.' Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.'" ~Luke 2:8-14

ABC Catch-up

2011-11-21T23:19:00.011-06:00

After-school neighborhood play

Baptism & Jesus- both here to stay!

Chapmans welcome us to London

Deacon's 6th birthday. Oh, what fun!

ER visits, both for Sister

Faith Clare turns three and is still a twister

Grandma Nan is coming to town

Humidity in November... we might really drown!

Ita and Bob stay for a week

Jammies off in the night, I still have to peek :)

Kindergarten~ fun and learning astound

Lego stuck in her nose, "incidents" abound

Mimi and Papa stop for a visit

Nebraska roadtrip, both smile and fit

Ohio State/NE game in the rain

Pool party for all 3 helps mommy stay sane

Quiet isn't found much in this house

Room change for baby now he sleeps like a mouse

Scout isn't a infant, he is now ONE!

Thanksgiving with friends- both turkey and bun

Uniqua costume looks so cute

Vala's Pumpkin Patch rocks in tennies or boot

Writing workshop is a favorite subject 'round here

Xrays for a stroller-crushed hand were clear

"Youth bear" loves NFL Flag Football

Zoo time in Omaha is the BEST in the fall!

Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”- Matthew 19:14

Choices

2011-09-22T22:49:00.001-05:00

Last night was a BIG night in our house! With what seemed like a rather mundane day, preparing for Scout's ear surgery this morning and dragging Faith Clare out of harm's way in the Target parking lot, I wasn't expecting such a joyous night.

No one announced a pregnancy. It was much more important than that. No one came home with a perfect report card, more important than that by 100 miles. We didn't celebrate an engagement or a wedding or a birthday... we celebrated a decision.

We celebrated with tears and hugs and laughter... with ice cream and phone calls and a simple bracelet.

Deacon made a decision that will change his life forever. More important than any school, or job, or girlfriend, or financial decision... As a 5-year-old boy, on the cusp of turning 6, Deacon prayed last night for the Lord to forgive him of his sins. He admitted he does wrong, spoke of his belief that Christ died on the cross for him, and invited him to live in his heart and be Lord of his life.

Deacon accepted Christ!!!!

It was with tears that I sat with him and his daddy as he prayed. I know that he has never believed anything other than that Jesus has always been with him, loving him, carrying him... so it was funny when really all he wanted to know was when he would get baptized. When he asked that question repeatedly, we kept redirecting him, trying to focus on the importance of Jesus and not just the outward symbol of baptism. It wasn't until I put him to bed last night that I fully understood. He simply told me that he's always believed that Jesus is God's Son, sent here to earth to take our place. "It's not really THAT big of a deal. I asked Jesus in my heart a long time ago," he said. *Me, beaming*

A boy beyond his years. Truly embracing the gospel, without all the fluff or minutiae to debate, and taking God at His Word- He loves us enough to send His Son to die for us. That he understands. A son, a brother... dying. The talk of heaven, of longing, of what it means to have eternal life- none of that needs to be explained because in his short years, he's lived it. And he LOVES THE LORD not in spite of it, but because of it. Doesn't personal experience have so much to do with the choices we each make? Experience dictates our behavior, our thoughts, and ultimately our actions. And I love the choice our oldest child made last night.

Praise you God for using life experience to allow Deacon to know you more intimately. Despite the questions and fear, the child-like faith You speak of has been displayed right before my eyes. Thank you Jesus, for allowing me to get a up-close glimpse of you through the innocence and belief of a child. We praise you and celebrate like there is no tomorrow!... And we know there was a big celebration in Heaven last night... Maddox was one of the happiest of all.

"But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."- Romans 5:20-21

My 2 Boys

2011-08-23T09:41:00.001-05:00

This sweet boy of mine is officially 11 months old today!! I can't believe that in one month we will be celebrating his FIRST BIRTHDAY! Where has the time gone?

Scout, at 11 months you are a ball of energy. Even your caregivers on Sunday morning say you can't be contained!! You are standing independently and have taken a few small steps... we are waiting with baited breath for the true walking to begin. You LOVE to play and laugh, especially at your biggies who are your greatest source of entertainment. You are an eating machine and rarely will stop before every last piece of food is gone... from the whole table! You love most anything, except the hard-boiled egg yolk I gave you this morning. I couldn't help but laugh at your repeated gagging... I guess one bite was enough! You love playing with anything that is not a toy, but your freedom is more important so we have moved all of Deacon's legos for you to have free-reign of the playroom. Funny enough, you sleep incredibly well in the pack-&-play in the study so we have let that go for now. I figure, why does it matter?? You love Scarlet, baths, crawling super fast, your freedom and eating. You despise diaper changes, things being taken away from you, and being "boxed" in (the saucer, swing, etc.) You are such a JOY and we are so thankful for you and your precious life!!

In other news, Kindergarten was a raging success yesterday... for everyone! D did an awesome job getting ready and being super excited in the morning. After I had snapped a few photos, he came over to the couch and looked at me, his eyes filled with tears. "I'm just gonna miss you too much to be gone all day now," he said. Of course my eyes filled instantly and I hugged him for a moment before I grabbed my camera. I didn't want him to see how sad I was to have him leave me all day, plus I really am so excited for him so we started taking pictures again instead.

By time we got to the school he was excited, and a little disgusted that there were so many people and we had to walk far :) We got inside and stood in the kinder "holding spot" until it was time to walk to class. When they were dismissed he walked straight back, talking to other kids and parents. *joy* All three of us walked into his room where he immediately found his nametag, cubby and the play blocks sitting in front of him. We hung around for a few minutes and when other parents started leaving, we kissed him and made our exit. He ROCKED!!!

When we got to the car, I had a few tears but that was pretty much it. He was amazing and I am so thankful for his confidence and excitement for school. When he got off the bus he was all smiles and so were we. FC loved meeting him at the bus stop and he told us about several exciting things about his day- friends, how to earn prizes from the treasure box, eating lunch, working on "homework", and recess. SUCCESS on day one of my new reality.

"The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever. Do not abandon the works of your hands."- Psalm 138:8

Guide Him

2011-08-21T21:20:00.000-05:00

"Guide me in your truth and teach me, O LORD,

for you are God my Father,

and my hope is in you all day long."- Psalm 25:5

Tomorrow is Deacon's first day of Kindergarten. I have been preparing for this day in one sense or another for 5 1/2 years... How did it sneak up on me so fast??

Deacon is ridiculously excited. Probably a little bit like his Mama, he seems to be good at school and looks forward to learning, playing and spending social time with others. Unlike his Mama, he has no reservations, no expectations, just pure excitement. I LOVE IT and it's going to make it so much easier to leave him tomorrow morning. Well, somewhat easier...

I remember watching friends get ready to send their kids off to kindergarten. The kiddos seemed so big at the playgroups as I looked down at my little toddler and yet, watching them walk down the street to and from the bus, they seemed like babies. That big kid walking away will be my baby tomorrow.

Tonight we prayed over so many things- over his school, his classroom, his teacher, his classmates, their protection and health and safety. We prayed for D's confidence and strength and excitement and friends. We asked the Father to keep His hand of love and protection over him. As we finished, I kissed his head as I always do, told him how much I love him and how excited and proud of him I am. He grabbed my hand as I turned to walk away and pulled me back. Instead of me opening up his hand and kissing him (like in The Kissing Hand and A Pocket Full of Kisses), he opened up my hand and kissed mine right in the middle of my palm. "I love you, Mama," he said to me.

*sigh*

... A precious picture of my biggest boy in all his sweet essence. Yes, he might be silly and crazy and frustrating and a rule-follower-to-a-fault, but I pray that he is all the Lord wants him to be at this exact moment in time. He has some amazing qualities and although I would love to keep them all to myself, the time has come to share those God-given qualities with others. I just pray that as he spends so much of his time in school now that he will bless his teachers and the other students like he has blessed us. That is all I can ask...

Thank you Lord Jesus for this amazing time at home with my boy. Just as I must do everyday, I release Him to your care, comfort, protection and love as he heads off to this new, exciting adventure.

The Drill

2011-06-26T23:04:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I took the three kids to the neighborhood pool while Dusty stayed back to fire up the grill. The little peeps have been sick around here (actually me too!) and I decided that a little time in the sun and pool would do all of our spirits some good. We loaded up the stroller, trekked across the busy street, came into the pool and began unloading everything. Yes, everything. Sunscreen, towels, dive rings, torpedoes, goggles, the puddle jumper, the baby floaty, a few little squid for Scout to chew on... then I proceeded to spray everyone down.

"Does anyone need to go potty?"

With a resounding NO! the older two were off to the baby pool (of which we were parked right by) while I got S ready.

Once dressed the biggies were thrilled to get in the big pool. I made small-talk with a few neighbors I didn't know, played games with the kids, and watched them jump off the edge. All for about 10 minutes. Then the not-so-surprising... "I have to go pee-pee."

Sure enough it was Faith Clare. Have you ever had that moment in the pool when you really want to be like "just pee in here!" but can't say it out loud and really don't want to tell your recently-potty-trained child to go in the public pool. Oooohh, so tempting. I'm thinking "seriously, all the kids here do it!!" but the words just can't escape my lips.

Now... the dilemma. Deacon is fairly easy because he can get out or wait for me on the steps. But Scout... what do I do with a wet slippery baby when trying to help my 2-year-old get on a nasty pool potty.

This conversation came up this morning with a friend at church and we had to muffle our screams of laughter as we described going to the bathroom with many small children.

Here is my norm. It might be at a Buc-ee's gas station stop on our way to Dallas or San Antonio. It might be in the bathroom at a Rudy's in College Station. Or just right here in our own little Chick-fil-a... But wherever it happens, it's always without daddy.

Someone has to go potty. Or more likely one has to go and the other decides he/she needs to go to. I take my two walking children and my infant on my hit towards the potties. Usually I will hear "I DON'T want to go in the girls!" from Deacon, which then gets one of several responses: "You can't go in there by yourself because I don't know who is in there.", or "Daddy says the boys bathrooms are nasty and you need to come with me.", or "You aren't quite big enough to go alone." Sometimes you can insert *objection* but either way he follows us into the girls.

We often have to pick a stall that is big enough for all of us but many times even those don't have the changer tables for the babies. Yes, I am that mother that will actually strap my baby TIGHT to that thing just so I have two free hands. But, in this example we are assuming there is no changer.

We go into the stall and close the door. The older two proceed to fight about who has to go worse and Deacon usually wins the battle because he is... well... faster. He goes without much of an incident. Then it is Faith Clare's turn and this is where it starts to get tricky. Remember, I have a squirmy, fussing 9-month-old in one arm. With the free hand I am putting paper down on the generally-not-so-clean potty. Usually a piece or two falls in, gets wet, or falls on the ground so this is a repeat process.

Finally the paper is in place. In one arm the squirmy baby, the other arm I am hoisting my 2-year-old up to place her on. I usually have to say more than once, and loudly, "stop touching the potty!!!" while she is waiting to go. Yes, wiping is actually okay and besides the occasional bumping of Faith Clare with Scout and both end up screaming, we usually manage the task alright.

Whew! Finally get her down and flush. Then... the joys. Yes, mommy often has to go.

Sooo, where exactly do you hold the baby? How do you unzip jeans with one hand, gets them down, hover without touching, get paper and wipe? Challenging... kinda like brain surgery and an obstacle course all at once.

And then all the ridiculous questions that I have to answer with two children watching and the third in arms. No, mommy doesn't need to go poo-poo. No, mommy doesn't need help. Yes, mommy is a big girl and can do it alone. No, you can't watch. No, Scout can't play on the floor. Yes, you have to wash your hands. No, mommy doesn't pee-pee or poo-poo in her undies.

Lately I have been excusing Deacon just for the simple fact that I'm tired of an audience and honestly, I know he can't wait to get out of there as well.

Seriously... all this just to go to the potty?! And how many times is it GO. EAT. REPEAT.

Not easy but I guess it's just what us moms do. If you have been there, you know the drill. If you haven't... well, wait for the joy to begin. Nothing is ever dull with little ones. In fact, when not in the midst of it, it's rather hilarious! Just us motioning this morning how it all has to be done... awesome!

And so yesterday... yep, I did the unthinkable and asked a neighbor I didn't know but had been chatting it up with (and who dropped that she worked in a daycare) to hold Scout for a minute while the rest of us made our way to the potty.

Some days I wonder how people ever do this alone!

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."- Romans 15:13

Child-like

2011-06-25T11:17:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about babies this past week. I've thought about the sweet blessing of innocence. I've thought about the struggles and frustration. The ways that the Lord chooses to bless us and bring us joy. The heartache and pain and how He expects us to rely solely on Him. How He asks us to come to Him with faith like a child and how He loves us like the one and only in the world.

I look at the sweet faces of my children, three that are here and that I'm trying to raise with a legacy of Christ, and one looking into His striking face, and wonder sometimes, "WHERE DID THEY COME FROM????" They are crazy and volatile. I mean, I have kids with personality, let me tell ya. Happy and then screaming. Playing and then in a puddle of tears. "I chose this??" I think when they are fighting constantly and S is screaming at the top of his lungs. "WHO do these children belong to?" I ask when they scream at the grocery store for tortillas, to look at the lobsters in the tank, and for samples of deli ham. These kids are so spoiled... they don't act grateful for anything... they are just mean to each other... THEY HAVE IT OUT FOR ME!

And then, just like *that*, the tables turn and I see how babyish and child-like I can be... ungrateful, screaming, mean... Sweet smiles and laughter can turn into fits of frustration in a matter of seconds. Honestly, if I could lay on the floor, face-down in a pile of slobber and pound my legs on the ground like my recently-turned 9-month-old does, well, I probably would. I often say things that my 2-year-old and 5-year-old say like "that's not fair!", or "I waaaaant it!"but just in a more grown-up way. I'm sure the Lord glaces at me in my fits of comparison and says "Who does this child belong to?"

All the ugliness that I see in them, that I try to correct, to consequence, to discuss, and to work on, suddenly comes back straight on my head. Do they see all those behaviors from me regularly? I sure hope not, and I don't think so. But, what is the difference between them doing it to me in a grocery store and me doing it to God at a gathering of neighbors? My child's behavior, whether it should or not, directly reflects on me when we are surrounded by people that don't know us intimately. My behavior, whether it should or not, directly reflects on the Lord when I profess to be a Christian. Why do you think that people say all the time that Christians are such hypocrites? It's because we say and expect one thing and yet often act in a way that contradicts those same beliefs. It's just ugly. And yet... we are sinners.

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ...So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin." Romans 7:15, 25b

Just like our children that we continue to instruct and love through the chaos, embarrassment, questions and tantrums, God does all the same things for us. We are sinners, plain and simple. And isn't it funny that some lessons we have to teach to our children over and over and over are the same ones that God continues to work on with us as well. Patience. Fear. Trust. Discipline. Contentment. ...I mean, not that those are mine or anything! ahem. Just examples.

I just love how, when I get so frustrated with them, God can open my eyes to see the truth. We all have ways to improve, things to work on, areas to grow.

Love and grace definitely have their place among the discipline and correction. We get grace from Him, just as we give to our children (or are supposed to), and all the while He tells us that in many ways we need to grow up. I know that I sure do and I'll take the not-so-gentle-nudging.

Faith like a child... not acting childish... and a spiritual maturity that can only come through an intimate relationship with Him. While I expect my children to act "mature" in certain arenas in life, I am also understanding that I need to lead by example.

"Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil." Hebrews 5:13-14

Falling Out of Love

2011-05-15T16:09:00.001-05:00

I reposted an article from iMom.com a few months ago and wanted to share one that I received the other day. It was called "6 Ways to Fall Out of Love with Your Husband"... Huh? I was intrigued enough to follow the link and was surprised at what I found within.

I think that if most of us married women are honest, there are some days that we just don't feel the super-close connection that we once did with our husbands. With the distractions of children, homes, jobs, activities, school and the such, the one-on-one time doesn't come as easily and at least in our home, it's more of a veg-time rather than intimate discussions and... well, "connection" on a deeper level. When intimacy fades, even for a short period of time, forms of discontent can worm their way into the marriage and cause stress, frustration and blame. This is otherwise known as the crazy cycle... and it's all downward from there.

We as women need to fight to keep our minds focused on "whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable- if there is anything excellent or praiseworthy- think on such things." (Phil 4:8) We need to be reminded that God does indeed have a plan for us... for our marriages... for our husbands. The grass is not greener on the other side- it just might seem that way because we don't live on the other side!

I love my husband more than anyone on this earth. We are doing life together and I can't imagine a day without him. Thankfully, this article reminded me to keep focused on the sweet, imperfect gift I have in my hubby... just as he has in me.

If you are stuck in any of these thought patterns... you aren't alone because I know so many that have been; but, let this be a reminder to get our thoughts back on track. Let's fiercely protect what God has given us and demonstrate to this world a love for our husbands that is beyond compare.

1. Comparison Shopping

In the grocery aisle, it's a great idea. In the husband department, it's a terrible idea. Constant comparisons of your spouse to other husbands is a dangerous and imprecise game. It's dangerous because it feeds feelings of discontent with what you have, and misleading because you're comparing someone you truly know—warts and all—to someone you know only on the surface. Not sure how to change your thinking?

Check out Dr. Gary Smalley's Greatest Marriage Advice No One Wants to Hear.

2. Buying the Marriage Myth

Marriages in the movies are constant desire and ultimate satisfaction—because they're over in two hours. A real marriage is a partnership for experiencing both the joys and struggles of life. Some days are great, but some days are just downright hard. The world is imperfect, therefore you're spouse and—gasp—you are, too. Don't believe the lie that something is fundamentally wrong because everyday isn't hearts and rainbows.

Read Dr. Gary Oliver's Six Myths About Men to see if you're subjecting your spouse to a standard that's more fantasy than reality.

3. The Soul Mate Standard

In our culture, the idea of a "soul mate" is a popular concept. Soul mate syndrome suggests that there is one, perfect mate out there for each of us, and that if our relationship takes work it must be because we're not with our soul mate. While there are key areas of compatibility that make marriage easier and should be considered before walking down the aisle, there is much that can be done after the "I do's" to make your husband your soul mate..

4. Making it All about You

Nothing kills feelings of romance in a relationship faster than constantly evaluating how you feel, what you want, and whether the current situation is fulfilling to you. In fact excessive focus on your own needs and desires will almost guarantee that they'll never be fully met.

5. Dwelling on the Negative

If you spend lots of time recounting the ways in which your husband falls short, that's all you see when he walks in the door. Take some time when you're not feeling the love to list—yes, really write them down—the things he gets right. Reflect on what it was about him that first lit the fire for you. Odds are those traits are still there. If they're buried under a mountain of real-life conflict, bills and kids, determine to dig them out and enjoy them again.

6. Rebuffing His Attempts at Romance

When your husband wants to rekindle the fires of romance and connect with you, don't be so quick to shut him down. He may not get it just right, but you'll both be better off if you acknowledge that he's trying and build on it. Who knows? So ask yourself: am I stoking the fire or dousing it? Check out Dr. Gary Oliver's guide to fostering intimacy in marriage for some pointers.

"The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife."- 1 Corinthians 7:3-4

Joy of the Lord

2011-05-08T20:34:00.000-05:00

This little girl's smile lights up my world!

I am so thankful for the blessing and honor of being a mother to each of my children... God has truly blessed me beyond measure with a husband that stands firm in HIM and helps me to lead each of our children to a legacy in Christ. This year I am especially thankful for the strong character He has shown me in Deacon, the unconditional love He has displayed through Maddox, the pure joy He has let shine through Faith Clare, and the ability to know I'm always needed through Scout. What an amazing journey it has been just in these few short years of motherhood... I know much more excitement is to come and I can't wait to see what the Lord has in store. I pray that as I continue on this road that I always remember that my JOY and STRENGTH and PEACE come from Him alone.

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him,"- Psalm 28:7

Happy 6 months!

2011-03-23T16:49:00.008-05:00

Happy 6 months to my sweet baby boy Scout!

Life seems to finally be *somewhat* under control... or as much as possible with three young-ins. We are loving the time we spend together as a family and really enjoying seeing all three of the kids interact. Faith Clare is constantly up in Scout's face, rubbing on his cheeks, squishing them together and saying "hi baybeee". He usually likes it and doesn't make much of a fuss when this happens... Deacon LOVES making him laugh and has recently been trying to get him to talk saying "ba, ba, ba, ba", "ma, ma, ma, ma". It is sweet to see him feel so accomplished when Scout reacts to him and does what he says :) Scout is definitely proud of himself when he talks!

Dear baby Scout, at 6 months the joy that you have brought into our lives is immeasurable. You are such a fun, silly, active, determined little boy. You are an easy smile which makes everyone that sees you react in kind. You love to squeal, yell and move all around. You took the prize (from Maddox) for being the most active child in my womb and you are holding strong and proving you know just who you are. You are a very proficient roller, going front to back and back to front with ease. You have decided that side-sleeping is usually best, but we'll often find you flat on your tummy, tiny blue blankey within reach. You still take your soothie pacifier, but as of late it has become more of a chew toy and we are waiting for that first tooth to appear sometime soon.

If it were up to you, you would be held and carried all the time... because it gives you a pretty good vantage point for all the action and you are... well, super nosy. You still aren't sitting totally unassisted, but we think that it's because you are too much of a mover :) You definitely have the strength, but balance doesn't seem to be your thing quite yet since you are trying to grab anything in reach. You still love the excersaucer, have really started jumping around in the jumperoo, and adore being outside, especially in the swing.

You can sleep through the night but it hasn't been consistent yet which officially makes you the latest one to reach this milestone... the one mommy is waiting for with fingers crossed! Our sweet, sacred time together ended a little over a week ago and although we have encountered a few issues with formula, I think we have it figured out. You weighed 15lbs 12oz at your appointment this week so you are right in the middle of the pack, in our family as well as nationally.

You are a precious boy that definitely adds more spice to our family... and spice we can't imagine our lives without. We love you to infinity and beyond Scout, and we can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for your life!

"The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever- do not abandon the works of your hands."- Psalm 138:8

Currently

2011-03-10T21:57:00.010-06:00

Currently...

My house is littered with baby paraphernalia, free weights, laundry, mail and medicine.

Scout is rolling all over the place and has now decided tummy sleeping is best.

Hubby and I have been sweating it out to P90X. Yeah baby... beach body! HA!

I am being asked at least once a day when the pools are going to open. I guess the weather has just been that good!

Doodle has started soccer and is a scoring machine!

I have a renewed sense of purpose and am thankful for my calling at home.

Kindergarten looms and I am scared and excited.

It seems like I'm never caught up- bills, mail, laundry, email, groceries, potties... and as much as I fight it, it still bothers me.

We are spending time outdoors riding bikes, going to parks, and catching up with neighbors.

I was reminded again just how precious my little blessings are and how very faithful God is by entrusting them to me.

The beard is still growing but has less than 7 days before getting totally shaved off!

I'm starting to feel like myself again... Slowly... amongst all the chaos and fun, I am able to breathe.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."- James 1:17

Caught!

2011-03-09T13:38:00.003-06:00

I've been caught red-handed and called to the carpet. It's funny that in less than 12 hours from when I posted about change, God had a message ready for me. He found me quickly and knew that my heart wasn't right. I don't disagree with what I wrote and I won't delete it... this is a journey. But, He knew that at the foundation of what I was saying there was discontent.

I truly believe that my longing, my desire for something grandiose, for some sort of change, is coming from something that He put inside of me. I love giving and helping. I'm not saying I always do it well, or with a happy heart, but at the core of who I am, I love it. I was modeled that as a child, from many that surrounded me, but mostly from my mom. She's a giver and a helper.

I want to give to others that have far less than I... give money or time, life and hope. I have always had a desire to adopt so maybe that will be one form we will explore in the future. But for now, I guess I have felt like I don't have much to give. Of myself or financially. And that's hard when I imagine something "bigger." The problem with that is I am focusing on what might lie ahead instead of what is right in front of me. The big lives I have influence over in my home. And I don't need big change to make a big impact on today.

Without a doubt, life is GOOD! Great in fact. And honestly, the change that is around me and is happening to my friends is something that the Lord, and He alone, is calling them to. It definitely seems pretty from my perspective, almost like a movie for many of them. Oh, the places you go... but for me it seems like "oh, the places they go." And yes, it feels like I've been left behind. In the dust. But that is envy. And my friends, in many respects, would probably say unjust envy. It's true that you never really know what is going on behind closed doors and the grass is always greener... that is where I am. Or rather, where I was just a few short hours ago.

But the Lord, oh my gracious God, got a hold of me this morning to remind me of the path that He has ME on. I am on a path that is planned just for me. One not always filled with beauty or easy, but one that He has ordained. And to many people, my life is pretty darn good. I won't argue with that. Blessings of health, children, restoration, healing, marriage, jobs, a home... love.

So if the root of my attitude before was discontent, one that it hurts to admit, then I needed to be reminded of what God has called me to, in my home, at this time. And He certainly hasn't called me to be discontent, because my happiness and JOY should always be found in HIM. I don't need to focus on what is going on around me... just allow Jesus to be my focus.

Are days blending and sometimes monotonous? For sure. But, as Pam Thompson so beautifully reminded me this morning, my eyes glistening with tears, He has called me, each of us, to where we are in this moment. He has called us to "bloom where we are planted." (Jeremiah 29) He calls us to acceptance of our current circumstance, good/bad/indifferent because it is likely to soon change, to disentangle from the minutia of daily life, to walk in forgiveness (culture, people, disappointments), and ultimately to be an example... to be salt and light in this world.

Like I said before, I don't want to be the girl looking back, but I also don't want to be projecting so far forward that I miss the blessings of today. Have we walked hard roads? For sure... and undoubtedly there will be more twists and turns to come. But my job, as a mother and wife, a friend and follower of Christ, is to be reliant on Him and grateful for these moments. Thankful for the blessings that abound and keep my eyes on Him. Apparently our family verse has not remained in the forefront of my mind and today was a solid refresher on not allowing circumstance to dictate my happiness. Only that can be found in the One that has been ever faithful to me and to those I love... to all those HE LOVES.

Here are a few beautiful scripture examples of how the Lord blesses abundantly... in His timing for all we need.
- Ephesians 3:20: blessings beyond what I can even imagine
- Psalm 107:28-30: He sees us in our trouble, pulls us out of our distress, and takes us to our desired haven
- 2 Corinthians 1:20: a "yes" God in all His promises
- James 1:17: every good and perfect gift comes from above
- 1 Peter 5:6: humble yourself so that He may exalt you in the proper time

Indeed He sees all and knows all. I continue to be blown away by His sovereignty and ability to speak directly to me. I needed to be called out. Called away from my restlessness and called to remember that only true rest, true contentment, can come from Him... in His timing and according to His perfect plans. Lord forgive me again for my wandering heart. I only want to want you!

"Be joyful always, pray continually, and give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus"- 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (The Stanfield Family verse)

Change

2011-03-08T22:52:00.000-06:00

Do you ever feel like everything around you is changing and you are the only thing that is staying the same? Whether is be the same house, job, financial situation, or group of friends. The same problem, the same dilemma, routine, or chaos. Day in and day out it is often so hard for me to see any change in my own life. It feels like the days just blend and I often wonder what I'm doing to make an impact. What am I do to make a change?

I'm definitely not asking for any major crisis. As a matter of fact, so much in my world has changed since having this third child in our home, and yet I still feel like my comfortable little world filled with friends and church and playdates and parks has been shaken. My best friend moved across the world with her sweet family. Another dear friend moved even farther around the world. Several sweet couples and even some of our best friends have decided God is calling them away from our church and to serve somewhere else. It all feels so uncomfortable and to be honest... a little lonely. When you compare all the BIG change, my little change feels like nothing.

I don't want to be that girl that lives in the past. I don't want to be constantly referring to what God did three years ago when He told us "no" for the life of our second son. I don't want to be speaking of the past but be experiencing the change of Christ daily. Now. I just want to be found faithful and always be striving to be in the middle of His will. I want to raise our children with a strong foundation of faith in Christ, with love for family and strangers all over the world, with hearts that desire to serve and are compassionate for others in need. I want missions trips and money to give. I want to save babies and promote life. I want to be called and used. I want big, and better, and fun, and faith-driven. So then... what does this all mean? Am I blind to the calling He has placed on my life at this time? Is this just a big "save the world" dream or has God really placed this in me to be called to action?

I had some wonderful words spoken over me the other day when a friend simply advised me to ask God what He is wanting me to see through this change... or lack thereof. When everything else is shifting and I suddenly feel uncomfortable in places that used to be home, show me again Lord, as you have so many times before, what it is that you are wanting me to learn.

Being called, in any capacity, is often a struggle of epic proportion. Called to give up, called to let go, called to believe in something that seems unattainable. All calling is change... So I guess maybe my calling right now is to be firmly planted in my family, in HIM, and to not get off-course by the change raging around me. To allow my calling at home, at this time, to be the change I am so desperately needing. It's strangely uncomfortable and lately feels lonely... but as seasons of the year change, seasons of life also have a beginning and an end. And I know I don't want to miss this one. Thankfully, there is one thing I can always count on... that the Lord Himself never changes!

"He changes times and seasons; he deposes kings and raises up others. He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning."- Daniel 2:21

Superbowl Top 10

2011-02-18T08:57:00.000-06:00

So my little Superbowl getaway was awesome, relaxing, and completely fulfilled it's purpose... time away with my hubby, time to myself, and time to be with adults!

Dusty and I had a great time together! It was wonderful to see him with so many business associates and his players... to see how he is respected and appreciated for all that he does. It's a side I don't often get to see because of my own "job" so it was fun for me to be reminded up close of how hard he works to support our family.

There were several cool/fun/funny moments so I'll list the Top 10 of my Superbowl Weekend (in no particular order...)
1. Hearing all the crazy comments about Dusty's beard.
2. Watching a hilarious old, white couple dance to a live performance by Outkast... "back it up!"
3. Hanging out with Andy Dalton and his fiancee Jordan. They are awesome and so fun!
4. Sleeping in one morning until 11am, having brunch, napping, taking 3 hours to s.l.o.w.l.y. get ready.
5. Awesome breakfast/lunch/dinner with my hubby.
6. Watching a live concert with Usher and his dancers, while standing next to Nastia Liukin.
7. Riding around in a stretch Range Rover... crazy smoke & strobe lights included!
8. Thinking people were taking pictures of *ME* when in fact Chuck Liddell (UFC fighter) was standing behind me and getting mobbed by old men.
9. Taking down bags of breastmilk daily to the concierge desk to be put in the hotel freezer :)
10. Hanging out with old and new friends- the Kolb's, Casey's, Nalley's, Ramer's, and Dalton's.

Jordan and Andy Dalton

At a Pepsi signing with the Dalton's

Whitney Kolb & I at the Friday Night Lights Party

At the Usher Party

Kylie Casey and I at Usher

"Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him."- Psalm 62:5

Encouragement

2011-02-04T14:49:00.000-06:00

This article was a huge encouragement to me and I thought I would share. My friend Christine introduced me recently to imom.com and I went there to sign up for daily emails. They are great reminders of who God is calling me to be through this journey of motherhood and they have tons of helpful tips. Encouragement for me and encouragement for my children! Check it out and let me know what you think.

Mona Lisa’s Secret for Mothers

How could they have missed it!? After studying the Mona Lisa for hundreds of years, art historians have discovered microscopic numbers and letters painted in Mona Lisa’s left eye. Just when they thought they knew most of what there was to know about this legendary work, something else has come to light.

What about the priceless treasure in your home? Have you lived with it day after day, but are still overlooking the intricacies that make it unique? You might be thinking, “I definitely do not have a priceless work of art in my home!” But you do. It’s your child.

In the hectic pace of our days, we can overlook the wonderful, special, little things that make our children one-of-a-kind. We can lose sight of them because we are so focused on the glaring things they do wrong, the habits that drive us crazy, or the good things we just get used to and no longer see as special.

So today, examine your children closely and lovingly with our strengths and weakness assessment. Then try to develop these 7 characteristics of successful parents so that you nurture the unique specialness of your child.

"When he arrived and saw what the grace of God had done, he was glad and encouraged them all to remain true to the Lord with all their hearts."-Acts 23:11

Confessions

2011-02-01T20:49:00.001-06:00

* The above picture is what I feel like doing most days... except I can't because everyone else here is already doing that... I mean, I guess I could join in the chorus!
* I'm here but I feel like I'm drowning most days...
* Daddy has been out of town quite a bit so this single-mom thing is for the birds.
* Faith Clare is ROCKIN' the potty training thing... except for today when she peed on me.
* Scout has a gigantic bald spot on the back of his head from moving his head in his sleep. It looks hilarious!
* I have a dry-erase tile in my kitchen that says "Kenzie is patient. Kenzie is kind. She is not easily angered..." from 1 Corinthians 13- I keep repeating it to myself throughout the day! Not working as well as I had hoped.
* I LOVE hearing my kids laughing and playing nicely together.
* I DESPISE the screaming and fighting that has been frequenting our home lately.
* My new best friend is the excersaucer which will keep Scout occupied for up to 30 minutes at a time!
* I have cried quite a bit lately. Frustration, anger and seeing an ugly side of myself makes that happen pretty fast.
* I stole a "training" tactic from the Duggars today. That is how far I have fallen people... taking tips from people who are crazy enough to have 19 kids. Made D repeat 10 times "FC, please don't take my legos from me." Got desired effect. No more fighting and resulted in them both laughing at me.
* We celebrated Maddox's 3rd birthday last week. It was surreal and felt uncomfortably normal.
* All 3 kids slept in one room last night and I couldn't get over how precious it was... Knowing Maddox will be with us again one day makes my heart glad.
* Did I say that I feel like I'm drowning most days?
* I feel like I'm trying so hard and failing constantly.
* Potty training and nursing don't mix very well.
* Deacon is the sweetest boy and wanted to buy flowers today for his Mimi and Ita for when they come tomorrow.
* I secretly love it when the kids BEG for me to put them to bed... No matter how insane I've been throughout the day, they still forgive me and love me!
* Dusty has grown a beard that I CAN'T STAND! I'm trying to be nice about it but that's about to be over when I take the clippers to his face in the middle of the night!
* I am desperately looking forward to a 4-day break this weekend! Time to be a wife and a woman around other adults. Needing this recharge in a BIG WAY! SO thankful to our moms :)
* God is bigger than all of this momentary stuff and I am definitely not calling on Him, relying on HIM like I should.
* I love my family with a passion comparable to little else in existence.
* Life is full of contradictions... God is the only truth.

"Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses."- 1 Timothy 6:12

Catching Up

2011-01-21T22:00:00.039-06:00

So we've been busy around this house... heard of "organized chaos"? Well, at our house you can just take out the "organized" and that is where you will find us! Between the holiday craziness, sicknesses and the ER, dog surgeries, an often-screaming baby, a potty-training 2-year-old, and family visits, chaos could define us. But you'll also find lots of other things- playtime and silliness, dress-up and legos, dirty dishes and piles of laundry, laughter and music, colors and paint, fun and JOY.

Here is a glimpse of what has been going on around here the past few months...

"Worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs."- Psalm 100:2

Prayers for Annabel

2010-11-30T23:01:00.001-06:00

Tonight my heart is heavy. I was prepared to recount my stories of "survival" at home with three little babes, but instead I come to ask for your prayers. Prayers of survival for a precious girl that has graced my home and overwhelmed my heart. Survival for our amazing girl Annabel.

I talked with a friend yesterday who informed me that Annabel was admitted to her local hospital for an infection. When I spoke to her again last night she told me they were being transferred here to Houston. Annabel is pretty sick... in fact, she is septic. They were hoping the infection was only in her peripheral line but instead they discovered it was in her entire bloodstream.

Annabel is a beautiful, amazing girl with full Trisomy 18. She has overcome immeasurable obstacles and has thrived beyond every prediction for her life. She is loving, full of life and smiles, and has not only captured my heart by the hearts of my children. We love her to pieces and are asking for your prayers.

We trust that God has each of her days counted, just as He does ours and we are asking Him for healing for her body beyond what we can imagine. Right now we pray more specifically that the antibiotics she is on will begin working immediately. We are also asking for rest, peace and patience for her amazing mama Cathy as she continues to lovingly care and advocate for Annabel. Above all, pray as the Lord leads you.

Thank you for being on your knees for this precious child.

"Then people brought little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and pray for them."- Matthew 19:13

Day 5- God Chose Me

2010-11-27T21:52:00.000-06:00

I remember looking at people with multiple children when I had none or even my single, mostly-obedient child in tow and thinking, "I would never...".; **Friendly advice, if you have never done this, I warn you not to because you can count on being humbled over that very thing almost immediately! Daniel 4:37- "And those who walk in pride he is able to humble."** I will admit that when I was thinking those things, as hard as I tried not to, I would find myself standing in judgment of a particular decision, the parent or the child. Now, as our home is bursting with activity and little people, I can often tell when others stand in judgment of my children, my decisions or me. It's hard to be judged and often I later find myself questioning what I did, how I reacted, how my children behaved, or even their abilities. I simply want to do a good job and I want others to think so too.

The problem with that thinking is that it really doesn't matter what others think... it only matters what He thinks. I know this... I certainly do, but it's still hard. From people in the grocery store, to my best friends and even my parents, I want to be found "successful" as a mother. Like my children are my little "projects" and I am "succeeding." The funny thing is that if that was how I was rated as a mother by "outsiders", I would fail miserably. My children have a mind. And a will. And I still lose my temper and yell. I still give them lame answers and sometimes just nod having no idea what they said. I even sometimes tell them to simply stop talking because I don't want to her their voices anymore. Horrible... I know. But true. And those are just a few of the many reasons why I would fail.

So what has become more clear over these last few weeks as I have ventured out with three little ones is that I alone am their mother. No, I don't make the same decisions that everyone else does for their brood of children, but overall I am pretty rational and generally understand what I am doing for the short and long-term. I try to make calls based on what I feel Christ would ask me to do. Does it always happen? That would be a resounding NO (especially if you saw me with the two biggies today in Target), but I sure do try.

So instead of being found successful, I simply want to be found faithful. Faithful as the mother the Lord has specifically chosen for my four children. I only get to walk this road with three, so my goal is to raise the three that He has entrusted to me with faithfulness, conviction and love. Because for one reason or a million... God chose me.

"I would lead you and bring you to my mother’s house— she who has taught me."- Song of Solomon 8:2

Day 4- Laugh & Let Go

2010-11-22T17:26:00.000-06:00

We took Doodle to his first Husker football game this weekend and we were prepared for it to be rough. Yes, he just turned five, but the game was about an hour and a half away and kick-off wasn't until 7PM so we knew that it would be late... by all standards.

I am pleased to say that on all accounts of the night, D did fabulous! He was a great fan, cheering and having fun even though we were crunched in seats and we stood the entire game. There was minimal complaining and besides the halftime walk we took to meet some friends when he stated, "we need to go home right now because I. am. tired.", he made it well past midnight. I was impressed and it was wonderful to spend some quality time with just him. We has a blast and the best part was the amount of laughing we did!

D is such a funny, silly, witty boy and I saw a side of him that was pure joy. We were laughing as the older lady behind us gave him a five every time the Huskers made a good play. Laughing as he talked about the Aggie band formations and "how cool" they looked. Laughing when he took off his Adidas jacket at Subway, at midnight, so that everyone there (all Aggies) could see his Husker jersey and the signatures on it.

It is interesting because as I look back on the night, he has modeled my point beautifully. Laughing is awesome! It is awesome... even when our team doesn't play well. Even when things don't go our way. Even when we are unhappy about an outcome.We can laugh. And then we can let-go.

It is not a novel idea here, but man this has stretched me lately, including today. Instead of always "teaching" my children by redirection and consequences, breaking things up and reminding them of their manners, being respectful, being obedient... maybe I could just laugh. That's right, I said LAUGH. No, not AT them... but sometimes just letting things go. Letting go of things in their lives, and in mine.

Crazy idea but it has helped my stress level significantly. Is spilling milk, bumping heads, breaking Legos, falling down, or even arguing funny? Usually not... but often times when the situation allows, I laugh about it and then don't seem so bothered, neither do they. Learning to laugh through things we don't like- accidents, problems, bad circumstances- is a great skill to equip my children with and it can start now. We can clean-up messes, ice ouchies, rebuild creations, and band-aid most things. Laughing, learning for the next time, and then letting-go has been a huge help to all of us.

So, I'm off with this lesson because there is some laughing left to do today.

Day 4) Laugh, learn & let go.

"She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come."- Proverbs 31:25

Day 3- Freedom

2010-11-19T15:03:00.001-06:00

Mommy-guilt is overwhelming and has been running rampant in my house. Am I doing this right? Am I teaching them enough? Do each of them get enough one-on-one time? Should I be doing more reading, writing, colors, numbers, letters, games, activities, sports with my child? Am I responding, behaving, modeling how Christ would expect? Am I patient? Am I overbearing? Am I too strict? Am I strict enough? Do they go to the right school? Do we have the right house? Have enough money? Do I work too much? Am I "present" too little? Am I loving their daddy enough?...

Literally the questions could go on and on. Whether working or home, or working out of your home. Whether your children are in daycare, your care or school, there is always a question as to how much is enough. Thankfully, I am surrounded by amazing women and have been rightly reminded by my precious mentor that there is no condemnation in Christ. What I am doing IS indeed enough. I DO love my children. I DO spend precious time with them. They do know that they and their daddy are the loves of my life and God is above all else... So then what else is there? It is not Christ that is making me feel guilty but the world, and I don't want to measure anything against the world's standards. Only God's. God does not condemn us for the areas where we fall short... He loves us, leads us right through them. Remember, when we are weak, He is then able to be our strength.

Believing in Christ is pure freedom. I am freed from the standards of this world. Freed from the comparisons, judgments, questions, inabilities. To be "freed up" is God's grace on my soul. He knows me and I will face Him and Only Him... and I needed that reminder again.

So the learning continues.

Day 3) There is no condemnation in Christ. Get rid of the mommy guilt because I am doing my very best. And freedom feels fantastic!

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."- 1 Corinthians 12:8-10

Day 2- A Little Effort

2010-11-18T13:53:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I attempted to go to Bible study. It was my first of the season, but the last class for this fall so I really wanted to make it. We were up in plenty of time and yet, getting everyone fed, dressed and out of the house seemed like a monumental task. I was putting S's paci in 800 times and in 20 minutes I literally had to break up the fighting between the two biggies 8 times. My stress level was already high but when we were finally ready to go downstairs to get shoes on, I looked over to see my very-determined 2-year-old all stripped down. Again. I totally lost it yelling at her to not take her clothes off, to leave her diaper on and do what I ask. She was crying at this point and started saying "pee-pee, pee-pee". She has gone on the potty several times but usually it takes a while to sit before she will go a few drops. I was super annoyed that she picked that very moment to go and I yanked her up, carrying her to the baby potty and telling her if she didn't go she was going to be in big trouble. With big crocodile tears still running down her face, she sat down and immediately went lots of potty. And I immediately went from a crazy, wicked-witch mommy to the fairy godmother.

"YAY!!! Faith Clare... I'm so proud of you! What a big girl... Mommy is so sorry I yelled at you. Please forgive me. I know we are in a big hurry but this is way more important. What a BIG GIRL!"

She was beaming as I rushed to get her dressed and into the car.

Fast forward 30 minutes. I was finally on my way up the elevator to Bible study and the only one that hadn't shed a tear was my sweet babe laying comfortably in the stroller. We are so out of the routine of Wednesday study and both my big kids were crying as I dropped them off. I felt bad. I was mad too. Why couldn't they just give me one hour of peace to hear from God? I cried as I walked out of the nursery. My morning was a wreck and I shouldn't have even tried. All I could could do was replay the morning in my head. Ugh, I just wanted a shower and to get to Bible study... Was that too much to ask?

I walked into class late and sat in the way back. Deep breath. Try to focus. That's why I'm here right? As I listened to Pam Thompson teach, I slowly saw what He was revealing to me- that it was worth the tears, the frustration and the extra effort to be there. Hearing a word from the Lord was worth a little effort, especially when I can't even seem to get my bearings straight.

As I listened to her teach on "The Wilderness Road" I was greatly encouraged. She spoke on God using tough times to teach us. To grow us. To produce endurance. To build character. My morning faded away for those 45 minutes and I simply took in the words she spoke over me. And the most beautiful thing I recognized was... For the first time when hearing about "hard times" or being in the "wilderness" I didn't immediately think about my life. About Maddox and all we have been through. For so long I have felt like that is my story, like I own the copyright on being in the wilderness and all that I am supposed to learn. Yesterday, instead, while Pam was teaching I saw a woman several rows ahead of me that is now walking something similar to what we did. I thought of her... and of a friend who just lost her daughter... and another friend who has encountered major medical struggles. For the first time it wasn't all about me and I could see, through the crazy morning, through me losing my temper and temporarily my sanity, that I have healed in a beautiful way.

Is my life still crazy? For sure. Are there still moments, days or even longer periods of wilderness ahead? Without a doubt. But... now I can see that I am fully capable of helping others in their wilderness times because God has brought me through the biggest one in mine.

Have I made mistakes since then? Absolutely. Have I learned all the lessons that God has intended? No. But have I forgotten the wilderness? Absolutely not... because the beauty of walking with the Lord in such lonely, overwhelming and anguished times is the ability to clearly distinguish His Voice. His voice of comfort and peace. And now His Voice leading me on to be in constant prayer and petition for others.

So, the learning continues.

Day 2) A little extra effort is totally worth it! Sitting in the presence of Truth can transform your heart- for moments, and hopefully for an eternity.

"With all this going for us, my dear, dear friends, stand your ground. And don't hold back. Throw yourselves into the work of the Master, confident that nothing you do for him is a waste of time or effort."- 1 Corinthians 15:58 The Message

10 Days- Back to the Basics

2010-11-17T20:43:00.000-06:00

So I have all but disappeared from the blogging world. I can't believe it has been almost 2 months since I have even posted, but then again I can't believe our littlest one is almost 2 months old already.

I guess you can ask around, or maybe you have been there yourself. Maybe you have 4 or 5 or even 8 or 10 children and you are laughing at me, but let me just say WOW, three has been a big change for us. Three little people are... well, a challenge. You might have guessed that from the lack of blogging, but it is mostly due to a lack of time for anything other than meeting needs right now. I mean honestly, I don't know how the Duggar's do it.

I have been tempted to get on here, especially on my tough and trying days, but then thought I didn't want to sound ungrateful or like I was looking for sympathy. Then I thought about getting on here when we've had sweet little breakthroughs, but somehow the ups never sound as good once you write them out. Either way, I have rationalized not blogging until I was reminded today about why I was doing this. It's definitely not for my outstanding writing ability (joke, haha!), or as a way to solicit advice, or as a sounding board when I want to complain. Rather, it is about documenting this time in our lives. This time when my children are little and the days often seem to run together. It's to remind myself of the simple blessings, the sweet moments, the incredible tantrums, and my intense struggles. It's to bring emotion back when I can't remember the last time I cried... or help me focus when I have cried too much. This is a "documentary" of sorts for our life. A documentary that I have willingly shared in hopes of being able to minister to even one or two who can relate. That is why I'm doing this and I welcomed that gentle reminder today.

So, what I've decided to share are a few quick things I have learned over the last two months of having three "tiny humans" at home all day. 10 days of learning... See if you can relate at all... if not, just smile as I learn.

1) Back to the Basics
           "Sleep when baby sleeps"- Yes, this may sound silly. Even absurd if you have more than one child, but in the foggy nights and hormonal days, a good 30 minute nap can revive me just enough to make it through the rest of the day. Swing nap for Scout, bed nap for Faith Clare and "rest time" in the room for Deacon. Does it happen every day? That would be a big, fat NEGATIVE but it is worth trying when at all possible. And indeed "sleeping" is relative but resting is worth it too!

           "Don't worry about the house"- This is a huge struggle for me because I could always be trailing after a child picking up shoes, toys and food, not to mention all the other household duties I need to take care of, but I have realized that sometimes I can't do it all and the house is what will have to suffer temporarily. Like I've heard before, "Your child won't remember the clean house, but they will remember all the time you spent together in the dirty one." Let's just say I'm embracing that one as of late... maybe a little too much. But I do want to focus on this beautiful time, not my beautiful house.

           "Wear what fits"- My clothes seems to have gone to the house of a friend 3 sizes smaller, shrunk to fit her, and then come back to my closet to taunt me. I can't seem to fit into much and although I know it's alright because I have a new baby, blah-blah-blah, I want the clothes from before to fit. What I have realized in these past few weeks is that I don't have to look like I have it all together, physically or emotionally... because I DON'T. I am often frazzled, always late, and generally looking like I just crawled out of bed whether I really did get a shower and put on makeup or not. My regular clothes are too small, my maternity clothes are too big and I might look like a disaster, but what I DO know is that I'm real. I'm not going to hide behind "what should be" because that's not me... and actually it's good for others to know that I'm, shall we say, "authentic."

So that is day one of learning... Lessons: Allow yourself daily rejuvenation time, focus on what is most important, be authentic.

My authentic children

"Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies."- Philippians 4:8 The Message

Introducing...

2010-09-24T17:37:00.000-05:00

Our precious baby boy, Scout Rex, arrived yesterday morning (9/23/10)! We are so thankful for his beautiful entrance into this world, celebrating his health, and honestly... his sweet perfection.

He weighed 7lbs 13ozs and was 20 inches long. At 37 1/2 gestation, he is a healthy-sized boy and we are praising God for growing him so well. As is apparent by their sweet faces, his big brother and big sister are thrilled and can't wait for him to come home. He is such a mix of all of our children, including his big brother Maddox, and for that, we are so very grateful. He is precious... we are totally in LOVE!

"The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever-- do not abandon the works of your hands."- Psalm 138:8

Simple Reflections

2010-08-29T12:15:00.000-05:00

So much going on in my mind... but so little actual activity. My mind is racing with thoughts of the last few years as I sit here this morning, my family at church and me at home on the couch. So much to do... so many thoughts... the clock is ticking... and yet here I sit. Reading some scripture has helped and also brought me to tears. It's crazy how much bed rest can take out of you even though you aren't really doing anything.

The last three weeks haven't been what I expected entering the final weeks of this pregnancy, but I know and trust that the Lord has a plan. I'm 34 weeks now so we are in a much better situation then when it all began with Faith Clare two years ago, but to be honest I felt a little blindsided. Thankfully we have been blessed with someone amazing to help me out here at the house and our friends and family have really stepped up to cover us with love, company and meals.

As we anticipate this fourth child in five years, I am astounded at all that we have walked through in a short time. My body is physically exhausted and sometimes I wonder about my mental clarity (*barely* might be appropriate), but overall we have been abundantly blessed. I stare at three 11x14 photos of my children on the wall in the living room and close my eyes to imagine the image of my forth to soon join his siblings. I feel his constant movement and am even a little sad to give him the title of my most active child, which Maddox previously held. I weep at the thought of not having Maddox here with us, with Deacon and Faith Clare, to celebrate the homecoming of this new little babe and yet I know that each of our days are ordained before even one of them came to be. I know that God has brought us to this place because He loves us, not in spite of it. He has poured out His mercy and grace, His peace and joy and love and to be honest, most of the time I feel stronger and more confident in His plan because of it. For sure there are those moments when I still feel weak and overwhelmed, but praise Him that He can carry me through the weakness, sadness, confusion and lack of control... and then bring me to the other side, ready to bring glory to His name for the abundant blessings and joy in my life.

I will be sure to keep things updated as we progress into these final weeks before our baby boy arrives. We can't wait for his arrival and we know that God is doing a BIG work in our lives right now as we trust Him for the health and safety of this sweet boy! Also, as a total side note, we are considering several different passages of scripture for his "life verse", so if you have a favorite verse that speaks to you and you think we might want to put in the mix, please let us know! Just in case, Deacon's is Psalm 25:5, Maddox's is Isaiah 43:1, and Faith Clare's is Philippians 4:13.

Blessings and JOY for this day!

"Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning."- Psalm 30:5

Divine Reunion

2010-08-15T21:57:00.001-05:00

What a divine weekend! A beautifully simple time spent with some very amazing mothers who, like me, have precious babies in Heaven, and also new babes in arms. The Lord has orchestrated our story with true precision and has allowed each of us to become friends through the most difficult thing we could ever imagine and yet, rejoice in the healing that He has brought to each family through the blessing of new life. To see this picture, to stare into the faces of these women who have become tremendous friends, truly makes me only look in one direction- upward. God has been in every detail, allowing us to petition for one another, praise Him in the good and beseech Him in the unknown. This weekend and the beauty of having all of our little ones together was precious.

To be honest I really thought it would be much more chaotic than what it was. The little ones meshed splendidly, Faith Clare really taking to the "older girls", Adrienne and Torrey. The babies were fabulous and aside from sleeping in an unfamiliar place, all seemed very much at home in Kim's beautiful house. We enjoyed lots of pool time together, eating, playing and chatting. I was shocked at how well the kids entertained themselves (with the help of Kim's big girls), which truly allowed for us mamas to get some hang time. It was an amazing, awesome weekend that we know only happened because God's hand has been in each detail since the very beginning.

Photos from our first gathering in Atlanta- June 2008

To fully grasp the gravity of this weekend and what it means to each of us eight girls, I would LOVE for you to read what we all sat together and read one evening. (It was funny because we didn't read it until after we had taken all the group pictures!) It is from a post from Angie Luce, back in April of 2008. She talks about the "Children of Promise" and God's provision. Remind you, this isn't everyone's story and God doesn't answer all situations in the same way... but He chose to answer our unique situations, firming our story together, through the blessing of a new child.

Children of Promise

I recently started running again, and I was quickly reminded that it is a form of exercise I like in theory more than reality. It's a love/hate relationship because I truly do like it when I'm good at it, but right now, being a year out of practice, I stink. I'm trying to push through, and I've set a goal to work my way back up to a 5K hopefully by next month.

I think one of the reasons I'm struggling right now is the boredom factor. I run outside with no iPod or music entertainment of any sort, making it incredibly easy to focus on the shortness of breath and pain in my side rather than anything positive. But the other day something broke through the tedium. It wasn't a vision, but it was something I envisioned as clearly as if I was seeing a photograph in front of me. It was like all of the sudden I had this image of babies and children outside on a blanket, bunched together for a photo shoot. They didn't look at all alike, but every one of them was smiling. As the picture floated in my head, I felt God telling me, "These are the children of promise."

I remember years ago on the first anniversary of September 11th seeing a magazine with a front cover spread of the babies who had been born after that date. I remember thinking they were a dual symbol of grief and hope. They were reminders of so much that was lost, yet they were also beautiful pictures of life after the tragedy. "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." Psalm 27:13

This is the closest thing I can think of to compare what I saw. The picture had so many kids, and one of them was mine-the baby we haven't yet adopted, but who we know God has already chosen for us. The others were the children of my friends who walked this road with me. The kids didn't know it, but what they all shared in common was the fact that they all had a brother or sister in heaven who they would never know. They had no idea how special they were; they had no idea that they were the children of God's promise.

I doubt that photograph will ever be taken physically, but I feel the truth of the image is certain. I don't know when or how, but I believe that God will provide for each of us, in His perfect way, and in His flawless timing. That does not mean the road will be all sunshine from this moment on. God hasn't promised that. But He has promised in Psalm 30:5 that "Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning." I've already experienced this shout of joy in many ways, but I don't think it is complete. God has put on my heart the desire for another child, and I believe He wants to fulfill this in my life. I'm looking forward to seeing His promise play out, one beautiful child at a time.


Hope, Faith Clare, Adrienne, Abigail, Jeremiah, Dante, AnnaGrace, Torrey- Children of Promise

" The promise is for you and your children and for all who are far off—for all whom the Lord our God will call."- Acts 2:39

Photo Update

2010-08-02T22:49:00.002-05:00


As you have probably noticed, busy is an understatement! We have had a great summer and I can't believe that it is quickly coming to an end and school will begin very soon. In June we traveled a ton, making five trips in four weeks. We enjoyed time with friends and family and spent much time at the lake, the pool, the beach and several splash pads. All SO MUCH FUN! July held lots of excitement as well. We wrapped up the many vacations and enjoyed a full week of VBS and superheroes. Non-stop has been the speed we have been operating on and now that we have been home for a solid week, it's been awesome to have a bit of downtime. I am going on a very special trip at the end of this week and I can't wait to update you upon my return. Until then... enjoy some of my favorite summer photos!

Fun with cousins

My sisters and the kiddos

Fun in the sun

Conductor Faith Clare & Aleyse

Mimi, Papa, Faith Clare, Deacon, Aleyse & Haylee

Mmmmmm!

Father's Day weekend

Sweet boy

Someones response to me when I told her to come back to the pool!


Pregnant sisters

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."- Ephesians 3:16-19

Grace and Growth

2010-06-15T14:58:00.007-05:00

My husband has been a father for almost 5 years now. With our 4th baby on the way it has been a whirlwind of joy, tears, triumphs, accomplishments, fights, pain, laughter, elation, grief and love. But what these years have provided most is tremendous growth.

Dusty was always good with kids, or so says his mother :) He might have been terrified at the prospect of bringing home a baby, but he's never said it to me and never showed it. He has been confident but willing to learn. He is tough but it is always tempered with tenderness. He has so much fun with our babies and they laugh until they beg for him to stop because they can't laugh (or be tickled) anymore. He is attentive but gives them room to be kids. He expects obedience and respect but allows for them to learn and grow. He is an amazing father!

This Father's Day, with Maddox being gone 2 years, I have thought a little more about what it means for him as a father to have a child in heaven and his own father be there as well. I know men are tough... they don't talk about that "emotional" stuff much and Dusty is right there with the rest of them. But, I do know certain days are harder than others. The "special" days as well as those ordinary ones that jump out and take you by surprise. The ones where you want to call up your dad for advice, or reach down to your two-year-old and take him in your arms like you do your babies. Some days are just hard... life is just hard. But thank you God for grace and growth! The grace You have shown in bringing our sweet son here to know pure love (as shown above in the picture with Dusty holding him) and strength enough to allow us that growth.

We have both learned SO MUCH from each of our children and the lessons that we have learned through Maddox's short life haven't escaped us. In any growing there tends to be pain, but I have seem my husband become more attentive, more compassionate, more focused on our family and I know those are life-lessons that we wouldn't have learned so clearly without our second precious son.

This Father's Day I will be honoring not only my father and grandfather, but my husband... The precious, amazing father to my children... my babies here, our babe in waiting, and our boy waiting in Heaven. I love you sweet man! You are fabulous.

"The living, the living—they praise you, as I am doing today; fathers tell their children about your faithfulness."- Isaiah 38:19

Safe

2010-06-01T13:40:00.004-05:00

Absent is again what I've been lately. The weeks have been flying by and with preschool out and the beginning of summer upon us, I have just felt busy. A few weeks ago busy came in the form of distraction because I couldn't get my mind off of the doctor's appointment that was looming. To be honest, I really wasn't in a good place and I'm pretty sure Dusty was ready to ship me off and wait for the old wife to come back :) After being so emotional, our appointment almost 2 weeks ago brought welcomed relief when I heard that this baby boy was "beautiful." God showed up BIG TIME in the office that day as many friends and family prayed for our peace and for a healthy child. I cried through much of the appointment; asking specific questions and wanting to know everything they saw, both good and bad. Praise God that on that day that was so reminiscent of the 18-week appointment with Maddox, only good news was to be heard.

Busyness now that I am better able to focus has presented itself more as a "to do" list. Between cleaning, laundry, cooking, running errands, play dates, swimming lessons and just trying to have fun with my littles here, I'm feeling like there is less and less disposable time to sit and write. Even my quiet time has been severely lacking which probably accounts for some of the major anxiety prior to the doctor's appointment a few weeks back. It's a constant struggle for balance and although I feel better now, I know that my commitment need to be stepped up. Isn't it funny how we can walk so intimately at times with the Lord and then, after all we've learned, we can still step back from that incredible love?? It seems crazy to me how I can let this happen...

As most of y'all can relate, music has been a huge sense of comfort and relief for me through these past several years of grieving and loss. Each year there seems to be a song or two that jump out at me and remind me so much of Maddox... so much of what the Lord has done for us... how much He loves us and will never leave us. Last year the songs were By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North and You're Not Shaken by Phil Stacey. This year it seems to be How He Loves by David Crowder Band and Safe by Phil Wickham.

Safe has had a lot of airtime on KSBJ lately and whenever I'm home I hear it on The Message. Each time it plays I crank it up (to which Deacon yells "too loud mom!" but then proceeds to sing) and just let the words soak into me. A weird thing always happens when the music is loud... I start to cry. I don't think that it's necessarily because I'm always thinking of Maddox but instead because of where the words touch me... in that place within where I long for eternity.

Each time I hear this song, I picture those brief moments of holding Maddox in that hospital bed and whispering to him...

"Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas
Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet
With a love so strong, he'll never let you go
oh you're not alone...

You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms..."

And God saying to ME...
"'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart" (my heart... that piece of me that is already with Christ in Heaven)

Back to Maddox...
"This is the promise He made
He will be with You always"

The Lord to me:
"When everything is falling apart"

To both of us:
"You will be safe in His arms"

"Then His disciples came to Him and awoke Him, saying, “Lord, save us! We are perishing!” But He said to them, “Why are you fearful, O you of little faith?” Then He arose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm. So the men marveled, saying, “Who can this be, that even the winds and the sea obey Him?”- Matthew 8:25-27

Lucky Number 18

2010-05-12T20:53:00.005-05:00

Today, May 12th, is a special day. My sweet Faith Clare is 18-months old and today I am 18 weeks pregnant with our 4th sweet baby.

At 18-months old, Faith Clare, you:

~ Say "mama", "dada", "deeda" (Deacon, and just how he said it!), "ssss" (yes), "naaaao" (no), "blub, blub, blub" (what fishies say), "woof, woof" (doggies), "nana" (for your paci), "wa wa" (agua), "ma" (for yes m'am), "dup" or "bup" (up), "elp" (help), "uh oh", "owww"

~ Sign all done, please, thank-you, more, and help

~ Climb basically anything- tables, chairs, chests, couches, stairs, stools... The only thing you haven't done yet is climb out of your crib!

~ Play constantly with your big brother- airplanes, trains, trucks, cars, even light sabers

~ Still sit rear-facing in your carseat

~ Weigh 20lbs 2oz (Wooohooo, finally hit 20lbs)

~ Go to bed around 7:30PM and take a 2+ hr nap each day

~ Wear size 3 diapers

~ Would eat yogurt every meal if we let you- cups, tubes and drinkables

~ Don't like ANY vegetables but will eat beans all day long (kidney, pinto, black, garbanzo)

~ Would pick a banana over any fruit that exists but that is still pushing it- you would prefer sweets any time of the day

~ LOVE cinnamon rolls, donuts, cake, ice cream, lollipops... again ANYTHING sweet

~ Chug your milk each morning and then throw your cup in a tantrum when it is gone

~ Aren't interested at all in TV, even when your big brother is watching

~ Get into everything- cupboards, magazines, jewelry boxes, the dishwasher

~ Have a blast in your backyard swing

~ Constantly make us laugh- your expressions, your dancing, your cuteness

~ Love to dance, chase, body-slam with daddy, jump on beds, read books, play babies, blow bubbles, use chalk, ride bikes and most of all, snuggle

Faith Clare, you are such a treasure to Daddy and I. We love you so much and couldn't even begin to imagine this life without you! You bring such joy and fun to our family. You love Deacon more than anything and he takes great care of you. We are praying you will do the same for the newest little babe to join our family! We love you precious girl!

At 18-weeks pregnant, newest little one, you:

~ Are about the length of a green pepper

~ Are measuring a full week ahead

~ Are prayed for constantly and loved more than you know

~ Have been moving lots and mommy has felt you for about 3 weeks now

~ Have a strong heartbeat

~ Don't have a name yet

~ Are due in the beginning of October, but I am predicting a September arrival

~ Are our PRECIOUS THIRD BOY!!

"From Zion, perfect in beauty, God shines forth."- Psalm 50:2

A Mother

2010-05-09T16:13:00.006-05:00

A mother is kind and compassionate and often says just the right things.
A mother works hard to maintain her home and her sanity.
A mother ensures that her children behave "properly."
A mother is a good listener and usually a good talker.
A mother is a gentle spirit and a dear friend.
A mother teaches letters and numbers and colors and shapes.
A mother teaches aiming straight, sitting backwards and wiping.
A mother does laundry and dishes and dusting and vacuuming.
A mother cleans spilled juice, sticky fingers, toilets and snooty noses.
A mother builds towers, plays babies, flies airplanes and colors Star Wars pages.
A mother is patient beyond measure.
A mother laughs 'til she cries at the silliness of her babies.
A mother loves her children and often defends them even when they are in the wrong.
A mother guides her children, allowing them to make mistakes that sometimes seem rather costly.
A mother does anything to protect her young and would cross the earth for them.
A mother makes unparalleled sacrifices.
A mother jumps for joy at small accomplishments.
A mother weeps alongside her child when they have been hurt or wronged.
A mother gets dirty in the sandbox, dances til she falls and can ignore the messes that abound.
A mother seeks counsel and wisdom from other moms who have been there.
A mother is still a mother, even if she has a child in Heaven.
A mother instructs her children in truth, love, loyalty, righteousness and faith.
A mother's desire is for her children to know Jesus and trust Him as their Savior.

All the while...

A mother loses her cool, her patience and often control.
A mother strives for the best even when it seems that 50% is all she's got.
A mother says I'm sorry and asks for forgiveness... from her children and her husband.
A mother fixes crazy dinners that seem "unbalanced" to any outsiders.
A mother could accidentally ignore the fact that the "zoo animals" are running wild.
A mother just might let her kid pick up their food off of a dirty restaurant floor and proceed to return it to their mouth.
A mother allows chocolate milk, a little Sprite, a few pieces of candy and the occasional cookie...before dinner.
A mother might give in to begging just to achieve a moment of peace and quiet.
A mother might yell when she's had enough.
A mother probably cries at times for no apparent reason.
A mother is probably exhausted and can't wait each day until nap time.
A mother possibly uses the YMCA, not just for exercise but for the few moments without anyone hanging from a limb.
A mother might put toys in the crib for 5 more minutes of sleep or teach a 3-year-old how to turn on the TV and pour his milk or even get up at the crack of dawn to drag herself to work.

A mother might do all of these things and so many more... because I have! But I do them all with love for the ones I am called to serve, to protect, to nurture, to instruct and to lead. I do them all, not always in joy as I should, but always in obedience to our Lord. I stumble and fall daily... but these little people are humbling me in ways I couldn't have ever imagined... and boy, are they watching my every move!

Thank you Jesus for the gift of children- for my Deacon, Maddox, Faith Clare, and this newest little blessing! Thank you for my own mother who has taught me how to be a mother myself, to my mother-in-law who has instructed me in the Lord, to my grandmother who has been there each step of the way, and to my Chilena mother for loving me as her own. Equip me, Father, to be the mother and wife that you have called me to be. Strengthen me in my weakness and fear, that Your Name might be lifted high and glorified all the days of my life. Allow our faith in You to be the legacy of this family!

**Happy Mother's Day to moms with children here, with children in Heaven, with mother's that have gone before and those that deeply long to be mothers. May God bless each of you in this journey He has called you on!

"Your words have supported those who stumbled; you have strengthened faltering knees."- Job 4:4

Captiv(ated)

2010-05-03T21:02:00.001-05:00

Are you being held captive? Is something holding you back, making you less likely to take that next step? Preventing you from hearing that still, small voice? Are you caught in trap? Paralyzed by fear? Run-down by everyday life? Thoughts consumed by what-ifs or whats-nots? Is there something that you just can't let go of? What is holding you captive?

I've been thinking about this a lot lately because we're getting close to that point. The point where we were when we found out Maddox was sick and our world was turned upside down. For the most part I've been okay. But then... well, then there are some days when I feel like a prisoner. I've had my share of breakdowns so far. It's not like it was while pregnant with Faith Clare because I'm 2 years out, not just 2 months; however, worry and fear have managed to
worm their way into my thoughts and sometimes it almost seems too much. Thankfully I can say that I'm not overwhelmed with fear, but many times I do feel a bit captive.

To be honest, frequently I'm ashamed that I can even feel this way. I know the truth and yet, I feel like an Israelite in the Old Testament. They too knew the truth and yet they kept reverting to their sinful ways, allowing the flesh to interfere with the truth of God's Word. It was commonplace then and it's so easy now to read those old scripture verses and think "how do you not get it!!??"... yet here I am and so often I'm the same one who doesn't get it.

I have lived God's presence. I have felt His breath on my face, His arms wrapped around me, His tremendous gift in my hands. I have seen Him move in ways that I can't even articulate and yet, I'm allowing past experiences to draw me out of today and take me to the yesterday of sorrow and the tomorrow of dread, fear, and doubt. I don't want to be held captive to unfounded worry but instead live in the truth of His promises. Those promises that I clung to while expecting each of my children, but especially my Maddox. Those promises that I told my family I would hold tightly to as we walked this amazing road again. The promise that my God knew this child growing inside me before the earth was formed, that every detail is perfectly in His control. I trust that my Father has a perfect plan that will come to fruition with my help, or in spite of me.

Either way, I don't need to be held captive.

The Lord has freed me from captivity. He has freed me from fear and worry and has in fact commanded me over and over again to NOT fear. In one of many places in scripture He says "whatever is true... and praiseworthy, think on such things!" (Philippians 4:8) Do you realize what that is saying? He is speaking clearly instructing to not to be held captive but instead to be captivated!

Those beautiful blessings in our lives are things that are "praiseworthy" right? Well, then shouldn't all things that are worthy of praise make us stop, look directly into the face of our Savior and be captivated by His goodness... His grace... His love?

The other night, with my daughter's head drooped over my shoulder and my head resting on hers, I prayed aloud as I do each night. I prayed for things that are prayed for each night and then suddenly I just began praising. I began to tell Him that instead of being held captive to fear, that I was captivated by His love for me. That I was so thankful for the blessing of each of my babies. For my children here. For the intimate time He allowed me to experience with Him during our journey with Maddox. For our health, for fishing, for our home, for the ability to laugh, for our family, for the weather... the list went on. It was a stunning time of worship and since that night I have felt so much more "freed up". I realized in those moments that I so desperately want to be captivated by my Lord, but I have to allow Him the time to even draw my gaze.

It is a terrible place to be in when you feel shackled... when you feel chained to something that you can't seem to break free from. Instead of being held captive by something, allow each thought that enters your mind to be captive only to God's truth, and be captivated by His presence in your life. Take a longer look around you and you'll see the blessings everywhere. It is so beautiful... and so freeing.

Here are a few images of people that absolutely CAPTIVATE me...

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."- 2 Corinthians 10:5

Guess Whoooooo?

2010-04-06T21:16:00.001-05:00

"Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him."- Psalm 127:3

Emptiness Revisited

2010-04-04T18:45:00.003-05:00

We have spent the last few wonderful days in Atlanta with family and this morning, as we woke up early to have our own sunrise service on a hill overlooking a lake, I reflected on the emotion that this Easter holiday has stirred in my soul. It is amazing and hard to describe. So instead of trying, I think I'll let my post from 2 years ago speak for itself. We are definitely not two months out from that sacred day with Maddox and the pain is not as it was in those early days... But I can still tell you that as I sat with my Bible opened this morning in the warm sun, tears were still streaming down my face.

Tears of joy. Tears of thankfulness. Tears knowing that because of what Christ did on the third day after His crucifixion, we are all forgiven and all can have the promise of eternity. Tears knowing that Maddox's eternity was sealed from the moment of his conception because of this beautiful truth. Thank you, Lord God, for overcoming the grave!

March 23rd, 2008
I've thought about this day all week... the day seemed to jump off the calendar as I continued to see "Easter," and written below it "Maddox~ 2 months." Although this is hard, as it is one more day to mark a short milestone in this journey, surprisingly, I looked forward to it with great joy and anticipation. How incredible that exactly 2 months after Maddox shortly graced us with his presence, we find ourselves on Easter Sunday! Here we are again where the time that has passed seems so short, and yet so long.

Now that I'm here today, in this moment, I realize that it is definitely one filled with emptiness. My arms are empty. The place where Maddox took over my heart is empty. The room in our home where he should have laid is empty... But, you know what else is empty?... The tomb where Jesus was laid! The emptiness there in that garden, 3 excruciating days after Jesus was nailed to the cross, is now the most wonderful promise offered to anyone who will accept it. Jesus Christ has risen. He is alive and because of that empty tomb, we can be eternally filled!

The sermon this morning spoke of these very things. Ben Young preached of the emptiness that so many people experience, and that, incredibly, some times emptiness is exactly what God wants. He wants us to come to Him empty-handed, looking only to Him to fill us back up. Ultimately, God's Son died on the cross and rose again for the emptiness that filled the world. Now each of our lives can be completely filled, and overflowing, when we look to Jesus Christ to be the only true Life Giver.

No doubt many of you have heard very similar messages repeated each Easter as followers of Christ throughout the world celebrate the Resurrection. But something that hit me, something a little different this year was when Ben mentioned the empty places in our lives. Many of us aren't empty, or lost... in fact, many of us know the Lord and ask him to walk with us daily... But, I would venture to say that most every person has an empty place in their life. A place that continues to hurt. A place that causes us to stumble. A place that isn't allowing us to live fully for Him. In that place, that is where I am to ask the Lord to fill me up. That is where I come to Him, on my knees and on my face, asking that He be my provision.

I'll be honest... I've asked for many, MANY things these past 6 months. I've asked for many things for myself, for many things for many of you... but for some reason I haven't asked that the Lord completely fill that emptiness in my heart, in my arms, and in my home that Maddox has left. No one will replace my son, but the Lord can surely fill that space with something glorious! Him.

So on this day that I celebrate Maddox's 2 months in Heaven... mostly I celebrate the fact that the tomb is empty. Christ rose from the dead and through His resurrection, I am promised to spend eternity with my tiny boy who is already in the arms of his Maker. And wow... if He can do all of those things, He can surely fill the empty places in my life! This is sure to be a beautiful, blessed day.

CHRIST IS RISEN!

The Empty Tomb

"Early on the first day of the week, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and saw that the stone had been removed from the entrance. So she came running to Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one Jesus loved, and said, "They have taken the Lord out of the tomb, and we don't know where they have put him!" So Peter and the other disciple started for the tomb. Both were running, but the other disciple outran Peter and reached the tomb first. He bent over and looked in at the strips of linen lying there but did not go in. Then Simon Peter, who was behind him, arrived and went into the tomb. He saw the strips of linen lying there, as well as the burial cloth that had been around Jesus' head. The cloth was folded up by itself, separate from the linen. Finally the other disciple, who had reached the tomb first, also went inside. He saw and believed. (They still did not understand from Scripture that Jesus had to rise from the dead.)

Then the disciples went back to their homes, but Mary stood outside the tomb crying. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb and saw two angels in white, seated where Jesus' body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot. They asked her, "Woman, why are you crying?" "They have taken my Lord away," she said, "and I don't know where they have put him." At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus. "Woman," he said, "why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?" Thinking he was the gardener, she said, "Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him."

Jesus said to her, "Mary." She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, "Rabboni!" (which means Teacher). Jesus said, "Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet returned to the Father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, 'I am returning to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.' " Mary Magdalene went to the disciples with the news: "I have seen the Lord!" And she told them that he had said these things to her."- John 20:1-18

Wordless Wednesday

2010-03-31T21:47:00.005-05:00

"I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth."- 3 John 1:4

The Waiting

2010-03-14T20:38:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, as I made my way to the Celebration of Life service for the precious and much-loved Layla Grace Marsh, my heart was aching. To be honest it was broken. All I could do on the drive was ask God for peace, for tender care, for His truth to penetrate what was about to happen. Not only for my heart, or for Layla's strong but grieving family, but also for all of those who would be present that struggled to know Him.

For the last few months I have followed the Marsh family's journey through Stage 4 Neuroblastoma through their blog and on Twitter. I updated several times a day to see how well Layla was doing and yet, as her condition began to deteriorate it grew harder and harder for me to watch. I prayed and cried, on my knees and on my face for this family that I have never met. I wept as I asked God to please make her comfortable, to give her mama and daddy strength that they have never known before, to cover her sisters in His protection and love... It continued to get worse and as I received updates, I couldn't help but go back to our place of waiting. It is probably the most difficult place to be and yet, the most intimate. The one most filled with peace.

Many of you know that place. The one that God has you in for a season, maybe weeks or months, sometimes years. Some of you have been in those seasons more than once and you actually get physically ill when something brings you back. The waiting for us was undoubtedly the hardest. Waiting for God's plan to play out. Knowing that you are praying for something that God probably won't answer in a way that you might be able to accept. It's in that waiting, in that deep hurt and suffering, in the uncertainty, that God's presence is so often overwhelming.

I wondered, sitting there in the church before Layla's service, if her parents ever felt like I did. Somehow knowing that this story, our story, wasn't playing out how I ever imagined and somehow I was wishing it would just hurry up. Wishing, through the waiting, that God's hand would move and there would just be a "finality" to this. It sounds so terrible. So crude. And yet I will admit that I was there. I just wanted to hurry up and find out what was in store. But God... He had other plans. For us he had 4 months of waiting. For the Marsh family He had a year of waiting. How long have you had to wait for your answer?

So the waiting is the hardest. But then... so is the answer. That "finality" that I secretly desired was excruciating. I can imagine it is the same for sweet Layla's family. It is a beautiful thing to know that your child is whole, well, free from sickness, playing with the angels and laying in Christ's arms- but in the beginning, and even sometimes now 2 years later, your longing heart overrides that knowledge. And you cry... you weep... you beg for The Truth to resound in your life.

And then you are reminded, just as I was in Layla's celebration, that that knowledge is the true promise that ultimately makes it all okay. Okay that we have to walk in this life without a child that we so love. Okay that our hearts suddenly begin a longing, one like we have never known before, for our eternal home. Okay that the hurt that penetrates our heart, wounds us and leaves us with scars, is still beating and allows us to continue to live through it all.

It's okay because of Jesus. It's okay because He died for them. Because He died for us.

During the service it was very apparent that God was present. He filled that place, both with people and with His Spirit, and through the tears, He reminded me of what a big work He can do through families that are obedient to His calling. He used the message to fill my heart and remind me that even through pain and suffering, HE has a bigger plan. For the Marsh family and for ours.

I needed to be there this weekend. I needed to show a family who I will probably never meet that their little girl has rocked my world. I needed God to remind me of His ultimate plan. ...He did it and He used a baby girl two years after my own son's departure to remind me that I still have a purpose in carrying on Maddox's legacy. Of sharing our testimony to His faithfulness. To remind me that these little ones can bring people to Christ that us "big people" might never be able to reach. If that is just part of His plan, then I am okay. Praise God that we are okay.

Very few times in the busyness and noise of this life does God grab you by the face and say "Look at me! Look into my eyes. Do you see me? I want you and I love you!" God has used Layla's short but amazing life to do that for hundreds of people. Are you listening to Him if He is calling you?- paraphrased from the message presented at Layla's service

"But Jesus called the children to him and said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these."- Luke 18:16

Random

2010-03-10T20:22:00.003-06:00

I received this Beautiful Blogger award from a precious mama and reader Pam. Honestly, I am just thankful that she is still coming back even though my posts have been few and far between lately. I'll admit that I am super behind and have MUCH to fill you all in on over the next several weeks... My heartbreak over precious Layla Grace, my elation at our "adoption" of a sweet Kenyan boy into our family through Compassion sponsorship, my amazing trip to Dallas to reconnect with precious friends and the mamas of Jacob Ryan and Mary Grace, and just our family happenings of late.

So now, on to the randomness!

Rules: List 10 Random things about yourself and then pass them along to 10 (or a few more) of your favorite Bloggers. So cool!!

Random:
1. I used to be a super-organized, very Type A person. I LOOOOVE cleanliness and virtually no clutter, but right now that part of me seems to be hidden away under laundry, trucks, coloring books, babies and random tupperware throughout the house! In this season of life, I have come to understand it and am trying to put it all in perspective.

2. If there was one thing I could do well in this life that has no possibility of happening, it would be to sing well... I don't even need to be amazing, just good enough would do!

3. I am missing my second baby boy, especially as of late. I am struggling with ways to make his life still matter now that he has been gone 2 years... People just move on, ya know?

4. I aspire to become an great photographer and was just given (for my big 3-0 a few weeks ago) an awesome camera from my parents and MIL. SUPER excited and have been trying it out all over town! (Eventually I want to become a photographer for Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.)

5. I love my husband SO much! He is an amazing provider, a phenomenal father, my best friend, and he absolutely loves me through all my faults, ugliness, selfishness and attitude. He truly loves and honors me as Christ requires of him and I pray that others see JOY in me that is apparent because of the way that I am loved by my husband.

6. I have always had a heart for children and all things international. I considered joining the Peace Corp after high school but you can't share the gospel so I knew that wasn't right. I would love to live abroad again but this time with my family. I have a strong desire to serve abroad as a missionary. I know that if that isn't what God ever calls us to do, I would love to travel the world participating in mission trips, possibly even to Kenya to visit our precious new child, Lokitari.

7. God is it for me. He is all I need... truly. All I have is because of Him and I am SO THANKFUL to be saved by His grace. Faith, striving to make my heart like His, and His will mine.

8. I don't have a "bucket list" but have always thought that it is a fun idea- set goals for what you want to accomplish... Right up my alley!

9. I constantly feel behind lately. Well, as of the last, like, 3 years. I have such great intentions and just don't get stuff done- thank-yous, birthday cards, phone calls to those I love... I will be striving to better organize my time so that I can get the important things done.

10. I love babies... all babies, all needs, all colors. Precious God-given life! My babies, all of them, fill up my life in a way I could have never imagined. WOW- they are amazing! Asking God to lead them, protect them and help them to "grow in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men" (Luke 2:52).

Now the 10 (or 12) awesome bloggers that I am passing this on to...
1. Chapman Family of Five
2. Standing on the Table
3. Bruises and Bows
4. Our Very Full House
5. By God's Grace
6. Four Girls, One God
7. Waiting for Happy
8. Poppy Joy
9. Mary Grace
10. The Life of Jacob Ryan Fahmer
11. Eva Janette
12. The Three Nichols' Two Cents

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God."- 1 John 4:7

On Our Toes

2010-02-18T20:30:00.007-06:00

This girl is the funniest, sweetest, silliest little thing ever! We are thoroughly enjoying her budding personality- she is stubborn and silly, clingy and creative, feisty and flirty, and much more adventurous than I ever imagined. Faith Clare loves to dance and goes crazy with the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse "hotdog" song. She adores her big brother and follows him all over the house trying to play airplanes and cars or anything that will grab his attention. She LOVES her babies, snuggling with them, giving them bottles and paci's and quite honestly we can't even get out of the baby aisle in Target without some major protesting. She is a big-time climber and its fun to see the pure delight on her face when she has accomplished scaling something, although often scary for us! Amongst all the fun she has also provided us with many laughs these past several weeks. She keeps us on our toes and laughing and we wouldn't have it any other way!

"He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy."- Job 8:21

Working

2010-02-05T21:05:00.005-06:00

Deacon's mind is working... which means God is definitely working. Here are just a few of the questions that Deacon asked me tonight as I laid with him in bed.

"Why do we have to wait for 'a long, long time ago' before we go to Heaven?"
"When Jesus died on the cross, did they glue him on?"
"How will we get our house to Heaven? Are we going to fly it there?"
"Is God an angel? Why does He have wings?"
"Was Jesus an angel when he came here?"
"Will Maddox still be a baby when we get to Heaven?"

Oh my goodness! We had an awesome discussion about God having a purpose for us here, about Jesus dying on Calvary, about our own room in God's mansion, about God and angels, about Jesus being born a boy just like him, and about what Maddox might be like in Heaven. AMAZING!

(Retro Picture- August 2007)

"Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."- Matthew 18:4

9 Days

2010-02-01T16:44:00.006-06:00

Welcome to our new niece Julianne, born just 9 days ago! She is absolutely precious and although we are so in love with her, her parents are absolutely over the moon. In the hospital I just loved glancing over at them to see the pure joy, love and excitement in their eyes... I mean they couldn't stop staring at her. Absolutely precious!

So welcome Julianne Lynn! You are so loved and we can't wait for you to grow up with Deacon and Faith Clare... for them to teach you wonderful things (and probably some not-so-wonderful things) and for all of you to share the sweet love of Jesus. You are stunning, baby girl!

Little one ready to head home from the hospital

One amazing family- Brent, Jessica and baby Jules

Jules with her handmade hat from Great Grandma Nan, Deacon and Faith Clare

Mama and babygirl

Proud Daddy and his littlest love

"But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me."- Micah 7:7

Prayer for the Batiansila Family

2010-01-29T00:03:00.002-06:00

Please pray the precious Batiansila family. In the last 24 hours they watched their beautiful daughter Zoe make her way into the arms of our Savior. She was born just two months after Maddox and I have followed their journey as they have given selflessly to all eight of their kids and poured love and light into this world of Trisomy 18.

Please pray for them as God leads you... my heart is breaking for them.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord, "as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."- Isaiah 55:8-9

Let Down

2010-01-26T20:38:00.001-06:00

All day today I have been glancing at my clock, staring at my phone, looking at the calendar and thinking "January 26th... today means something but what is it? What am I forgetting?" It literally, JUST NOW, dawned on me. It's another one of those "dates". Weird? Maybe, but if you are a mom who has sent a child home to be with Jesus, I've realized that it just might be part of life. I'm beginning to see a trend and I don't necessarily like it but dates stick out in my mind... and today? Today was Maddox's service two years ago.

I suppose it is fitting that today has been more emotionally charged than any other day leading up to his birthday... it was two year ago as well that I cried myself to sleep, for the only time ever, understanding the finality of letting Maddox go. Today on January 26th, two years later, the emotional charges are somewhat different. I'm not experiencing the feelings of intense grief, deep sorrow, overwhelming pain or the trembling fear I felt to face the world, but instead ones of sadness, confusion, hurt and of being let down. Nope, not by God, but by people.

Have you felt that way before? Just totally let down, brought to tears, by someone that you had high expectations of? I know that biblically speaking it is a certain truth that virtually everyone, at some point in our lives, will let us down- our parents, our children, our husbands, our friends, our pastors, the list just goes on... I know that is why God truly is who He says He is... the Only One who always has bigger plans, a bigger perspective, our Sure Foundation... But sometimes, lets just be honest, that knowledge still doesn't make the pain that is inflicted by those we love any less hurtful.

Sometimes it's unintentional. Sometimes it's for lack of knowledge. Sometimes you might even wonder if maybe it's unjustified... maybe it's just not that big of a deal. And then just as quickly you realize how real your emotions are and if it is important to you, then it should be important to those that love you. And really, it probably is... For the most part, it certainly is. But it is hurtful and confusing all the same. You wonder, how could they let me down like this?

So these emotions- anger, hurt, disappointment, sadness, frustration, bitterness, resentment- these feelings of being let down... what do you do with them? You might get angry and cry. You might talk and yell. You might process them over and over in your mind and you just might seek counsel from other trusted people. I've done all of those today.

But as for me tonight, because these emotions have dictated my day and brought me to tears on numerous occasions, I know that I only have one choice. I am going to take them to the Lord. Lay them down at His feet. Ask for strength and commitment not to pick them back up again. Ask for forgiveness, for patience, for love. If I fail, I'll ask again. As hard as it is and as much as I want to hold on to them, I know they are only hurting me. God can take them away. He can help me to forgive those who have hurt me so deeply, those who love me so much. Heaven knows I've hurt others. I can't even fathom how often I've received the grace of forgiveness when I've let other people down. It's grace that I don't deserve. It's life in Christ.

Does it still hurt? Yes. Will I eventually address it when I am more calm? Yes. But to be able to release this... it will change my world, for me, immediately.

"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."- Romans 5:5

mama's hands, Father's arms

2010-01-23T17:23:00.003-06:00

In my mama's hands, In my Father's arms

Happy 2nd birthday you precious little boy! Maddox, you have rocked our world and we wouldn't have it any other way. We love you desperately, miss you tremendously, and can't wait to hold you again. You are constantly on my mind today and all I can picture is Jesus standing tall and holding you tightly. You are so loved! Hope your party has been awesome!

But now, God's Message, the God who made you in the first place, Jacob, the One who got you started, Israel: "Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine.- Isaiah 43:1 The Message

Fear

2010-01-22T06:49:00.005-06:00

Do you ever feel gripped by fear? Totally overcome to the the point where you can't move? Last night I was fearful as I heard noises on our back porch. I laughed a sigh of relief when my husband got home to check it out and we discovered an unusually large possum sniffing around. That is one kind of fear. Real. Legitimate. But what about the other kind, the one that you feel deep in your soul? That is very different.

Do you experience this sickening fear? The defining time in my life is when I was carrying Maddox. I didn't know what to think, where to focus my attention, or even how to pray. I was deeply entangled in fear. Have you experienced it before? Fear over losing a child? Fear of losing a much-needed job? Fear of being alone? Fear of your past? Fear of your current circumstances? Fear for your safety? Fear due to finances? There are countless fears that can grip our hearts and hold us captive. We can quickly become a slave to fear and allow it total control in our lives when something BIG doesn't happen to change it. Each of us has probably struggled with some sort of paralyzing fear. Have you thought about this fear... the one that grips so many girls that find out they are carrying a child that was unintended?

As I was reading from Isaiah this morning, I quickly discovered a trend. One that I knew was there, but I honestly forgot about. "DO NOT FEAR." God commands us to trust in Him and verse after verse He states "do not fear", "do not be afraid", "fear not". And then... do you know what is so awesome? Most often what follows those phrases are the words "for I am with you."

After receiving Maddox's diagnosis, I stumbled through a few weeks. I cried often and was really in a daze, trying to decipher my feelings and come to terms with what we were facing. A precious friend that I had just met, Yvette, told me that she would be praying that for God's peace. It seemed so simplistic but I figured that since she too was carrying a sweet boy with Trisomy 18, it wouldn't hurt to begin praying that for myself. I guess there seemed to be so many things to ask God for that peace slipped through the cracks.

Slowly, that peace began to come and the gripping, binding fear that I once felt was replaced with honest faith that He would do what was best for Maddox and our family. It was not a resigned peace that I would just "be fine" with whatever happened, but it was a peace that words cannot describe. One that surpasses all understanding because I knew without a doubt that He was with me.

Today, on Right to Life Day, I would ask that you pray for all of the girls right now that are frozen with fear because they are pregnant and don't know what to do. The God that I serve, the One that replaced my deep fear with His peace, is the same God that can transform their fears as well. If you feel led, please pray for wisdom and Truth and Life today. How beautiful to know that God can speak directly into your life, telling us to trust HIM. He has done it in mine too saying, "So do not fear Kenzie, for I am with you."

Allow that fear to fall off you today as you seek His face and pray for that peace, for yourself and for others, that can only come from Him.

"The LORD is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid?"- Psalm 27:1

Brown Shirt Mamas

2010-01-21T15:00:00.006-06:00

Over the past year and a half I have been asked for countless updates on the seven other mamas that decended upon Atlanta for a fabulous Deeper Still weekend filled with worship, late-night talks, tears and laughter. One of the girls, my precious friend Emily, was asked to write a current "status report" on what God has done in each of our families' lives. Her beautiful account is written below. Enjoy God's story...

---------------------------------------------------------------

I was recently asked for an update on our "Atlanta Eight" and thought y'all might be interested in hearing where we are now, too. By His grace alone.

We became known by the color of our t-shirts, but we had more in common than that. We had each said goodbye to one of our babies in the last year. But we had more in common than that, too. Heartbroken and confused, we were clear about one thing and one thing alone: we wanted to see His glory.

It was in the praying for, the holding tight, and the letting go of our little ones that we found out who our Savior really was and is and is to come. He is mighty. He is meek. He is quiet. He is loud. He is strong. He is gentle. He weeps with us. He rejoices with us, too. He listens closely and answers clearly. He heals. He holds when healing doesn’t come. He makes sense when nothing does. His breath is warm. His arms are strong. He is real. He is present. He is God.

It had been exactly one year since my daughter’s death. It had been four weeks since Karen’s son had died. In the time between, Angie, Yvette, Kim, Kenzie, Kristy, and Chrissy had all said goodbye to their babies, too. For Kristy, it was her second son to release to the Lord. By the grace of God, we converged on Atlanta for a weekend that would change us forever.

Deeper Still: The Event was sacred to us. We were able - for the first time in a long time - to feel somewhat normal and understood as we sat together, prayed together, learned together, and worshiped together. Our eyes and the tears that flowed from them, our hands and the way they couldn’t stay down any longer, our voices and the way they quivered as we sang His praises seemed to say it all.

It has been a year and a half since we have seen each other’s faces and held each other’s hands. As long as I live, I will never forget how it felt to take Karen’s sweet face in my hands just before she climbed out of my car and onto her plane, as I promised her that her God was still going to be good a year from then. I remembered wondering how I would make it through a day, when my grief was fresh and my heart was raw, and it was my heart cry to prove to her that our God was more than able to carry her through, too.

I think all eight of us would agree today that God is indeed good and He has indeed carried us further than we ever dreamed He dreamed He might. God was doing a work in our hearts before our babies ever came or our suitcases arrived in Atlanta, Georgia, and He will be working long after our new babies are grown and gone. That’s right. Every single one of us has been blessed with a brand new life in her home. If you had asked us that weekend in Atlanta where we would be in a year and a half, I am quite certain none of us would dared to dream we could possibly be right where we are now.

Poppy Joy Luce was the first of our babies in Heaven to gain the Big Sister status when her parents and big sister brought the beautiful Adrienne Christine home in May, 2008, and made Adrienne’s adoption official on Poppy‘s 1st Birthday that December. Tristan Asher Hostetter’s parents were blessed with the opportunity to bring a sweet baby girl (born on Tristan’s mommy Yvette’s birthday, no less) home from the hospital in October, 2008, making him a Big Brother, just like his own two big brothers at home.

Maddox Donald Stanfield soon earned his Big Brother status when his stunning baby sister, Faith Clare, was born in November, 2008. Judging from his own Big Brother’s smile, I imagine Maddox was a happy boy that day, too. Eva Janette’s mommy learned she was expecting her new blessing - Eva’s adorable baby brother Dante, born in February, 2009 - the very weekend we were all together in Atlanta. Many of us watched Chrissy’s elation and wondered if that would ever be ours again. Oh, how God must have been smiling then!

Kim and I, both Kentucky natives and moms of three girls, were roommates that weekend. We could never have dreamed what God in store for us. The following April, our newest baby girls were born a week apart. Miller Grace Cassetty became a Big Sister to my dear Abigail Joy on April 2nd. Mary Grace Summons became a Big Sister to the precious AnnaGrace Pearl on April 9th. How awesome.

But, God wasn’t done!

After four boys, Kristy welcomed an amazing baby girl, Hope Amelia, on the first day of June. I can only imagine how proud Isaac Matthew and Asher Joseph had to have been of their family that day. True to form, our dear friend Karen was the last to join our joyful chaos. Jacob Ryan Fahmer became the third Big Brother in his family when Karen delivered her fourth gorgeous boy, Jeremiah Gabriel, this past August.

We are just eight women. If you passed any of us in the grocery store, you likely would not give us a second glance. (Unless, of course, one of our children threw an orange at you or something.) We are ordinary in every way. We come from farms and big cities alike. Some of us are working moms and some of us stay at home. Some of us home school and some of us do not. Some of us are nursing mothers and some of us are not. While it is true that some of us have urns on our mantels and others of us buy silk flowers instead of toys when special occasions roll around, you would never know that by looking at us.

Our story is one of God’s power. By no other means could we, as ordinary women who love our children with all we are, have survived the storm we have come through. By no other means could our scarred hearts have healed so much. By no other means could our families have known peace and joy again. Our hope is not in our children in Heaven any more than it is in the children in our arms. Our hope comes in knowing where our true treasure lies, fixing our eyes on what is not seen, but unseen; on what is not temporary, but eternal.

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.” (2 Corinthians 4:7-10)

Not Me! Monday... with a Rockstar!

2010-01-18T21:33:00.009-06:00

Nope, not me, I definitely did NOT hang with a rockstar this weekend! I mean, maybe not a bonafide "rockstar" but as close to it as possible. No, I am certainly not the one that so many envied as I picked up this rockin' girl at her hotel and met her sweet Prince Charming so we could grab dinner and formally "meet" after a few years of blog-following and emailing.

We definitely didn't go to Lupe Tortilla, the best Mexican restaurant in Houston. We surely did not talk about Maddox, Stellan, Trisomy 18 or SVT. You can be sure that we didn't talk about the plans God has for us presently, and in the future and how He can use our past experiences to minister to others. We never considered discussing Big Mac and Doodle and them being the "oldests" as they set the stage for their younger siblings. We didn't talk about Stellan and Faith Clare and their latest words, or lack thereof. We didn't talk about marriage, kids, family, careers, faith, blogs or anything of the sort. We didn't laugh and you know for SURE that we did not cry.

We most definitely did not leave the restaurant in pursuit of last-minute cruising items and end up at the sketchiest HEB in town... that would be crazy, funny and possibly scary all at the same time! I would never casually speak to a man in the longest checkout line in history who would then not.stop.talking. And I surely would not concede that the necklace I was wearing was for "Mardi Gras" just because he insisted it was. That would never happen because that would just be weird.

And just in case anyone was wondering, we did not get to the hotel and hug. We didn't take a few hundred pictures that a random girl in the hotel couldn't seem to get right. We didn't bid farewell and I certainly didn't wish we'd had even more time. I would never be selfish like that and want to monopolize all of her time! Quite simply, I did NOT have a great time spending the evening with a wonderful mother, wife, and woman of faith. I'm definitely not thankful to God for allow our stories to intersect or for having the privilege to pray for one another... okay... well, maybe, just maybe I am.

(Thank you iPhone for not being the only thing "said" random girl could get to take!)

Thank you MckMama for taking time to get together! You are NOT fabulous.

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed."- 1 Peter 4:12-13

Moving On

2010-01-14T20:45:00.002-06:00

Life is good. It is, isn't it? Life is hard and full of disappointment though too. Right? I feel like I've been all over the place lately, oscillating back and forth between those two extremes, knowing they are both true and also knowing that God is still the same in all of it. Let me just be honest and say that lately I have been feeling the weight of life. The weight of a husband that works incredibly hard for our family, but is gone often. The weight of managing a one-income home. The weight of giving my all to my children throughout the day. The weight of Maddox's birthday upon us.

The words have almost left my lips about a half-dozen times in the last few days... "Please pray for me, it's almost here..." and then just as I felt the urge to blurt them out, they disappear. I struggle with the conflict- I don't want to be needy and yet, I don't want to ever feel like we are past it. Maybe that's my biggest fear and therein lies the conflict... maybe I just want to feel emotional because at least then I know that I'm feeling something about my 3 lb baby that left my arms too quickly. Everything considered, I will certainly never forget... but will others?

It's hard moving on... like anything I suppose. Maybe that's why our grandparents speak of the "old days" which such fondness. Maybe those old times weren't even that great and yet they linger in our minds for a lifetime. It seems that God has created us with an amazing ability to retrospectively gloss over the pain and difficulty of a situation and instead allow the blessings of that same situation to linger. I'm so thankful for that ability... and yet, some days the overwhelming weight of it all can still pull me down.

This happened the other night when I spoke to a girl who's father just passed away. I was telling her that I had been praying over her family, for her father's salvation, and that they were really on my heart. I knew that she didn't know me, but then I realized amidst the conversation that because of that, I really didn't know how to explain that I understood the hurt of losing someone you deeply love. I stumbled through it, usually not the one to be lacking words, and left feeling confused, frustrated, and honestly sad. I don't ever want to be "that girl" and yet, after walking away from the conversation, I longed to be known. On some level I know that it is selfish, but I also know that I really wanted her to know our story- to know of God's glory, answered prayers, and beautiful healing. The bigger picture? More than anything I want people to remember Maddox and the faithfulness of our precious Lord. That's Maddox's legacy, God's story, and my ministry. I just don't want any of this to be forgotten... and still life moves on... and so do people.

It's all just so hard.

Instead of allowing the words to escape me again, I would simply ask that you would pray for us in these days leading up to Maddox's birthday. They are bittersweet as I recall the "lasts" that I shared with him before and right after birth. I love each of my babies and while God has overwhelmed us with joy in Deacon and Faith Clare, Maddox is still Maddox and I miss his presence in our daily lives.

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."- James 1:2-4

White Christmas

2009-12-30T17:49:00.005-06:00

What a time! LOTS.OF.TRAVELING.this past month... Fun. Joyful. Family-filled. Road trips, plane trips, rain, wind, ice and snow. LOTS of snow! Yes, we were indeed in the great Midwest when the winter blizzard blew through and, for heaven's sake, I lived there most of my life and I never remember that much snow... ever!

Between rainy Atlanta and snowy Omaha, we celebrated the season with much gusto- gabbing, grub and gift-giving! The kids played with new friends and their much-loved cousins, while the adults enjoyed a great time of yummy food and awesome conversation. Because this is Daddy's busy time of year he was in and out working quite a bit, but he definitely had the chance to enjoy the true winter weather like the rest of us.

Christmas Eve day was relaxed and we all left the house very bundled in our Christmas best for service. At my parents church the kids don't generally go to nursery so a little apprehensive, we took them in with us. Faith Clare was loaded down with snacks and Deacon sat occupied with colors and paper. It was actually (fairly) great! It was amazing to watch him tune in here and there and even shout out during service, "FOUR", when the pastor asked a rhetorical question about how many legs a cow has. Awesome!

As I sat there with most of my family, my husband at my side and my two kiddos crawling all over me like a playscape, I felt so blessed. God has provided for us in innumerable ways and I could only think of what a beautiful gift it was for Him to send his Son in the form of a child to this earth... to save each of us. With that thought in mind, I opened up the Christmas Eve Program to see that my parents had given a poinsettia plant in honor of my sisters and I and our families. Smile. Then I turned the page to see where poinsettias were given "In memory of...". As I glanced down the page, my son's name immediately caught my attention. Maddox Stanfield. This time, tears. And strangely, so unexpected.

Our son has been such a beautiful gift to our family and while there are times when it still hurts, it is well. I know God has a perfect plan and although we don't always understand, I can't imagine a more beautiful time to picture my beloved boy in Heaven with our sweet Jesus. I guess the flood of emotion just made me hold my breath. And the picture of them together is perfect in my mind. It surely must have been a celebration beyond comprehension. Celebrating Christ and my 3 lb boy, who is only whole and saved because of the birth of that same Jesus. Phenomenal!

Sitting there crying did bring me back to last Christmas when I wept, staring at a 6-week-old Faith Clare in her infant carrier. It also brought me back to the Christmas before last when I was carrying Maddox inside, holding him safe and warm and also knowing full-well that we didn't have much time left. Such compounding emotions. Such stark reality. Such sacrifice. The sacrifice that God asked of me in giving Him my son. But how could I even consider withholding my son from Him when He so willingly gave His Son for me? For each of us?

Through the several-day celebration the kids had an absolute blast and we enjoyed the family time to the max (minus the sickness bug that was spreading around like wild-fire). Being part of a large extended family has always meant so much to me, so to be there to celebrate with everyone for the first time in four years was fantastic! The 21+ hour, 2-day car drive home... not so much. However, it was more than worth it to spend time with those we dearly love!

So, needless to say... so much to be thankful for and such a beautiful Christmas!

I hope your Christmas was beautiful too. Spending time with those you love, possibly missing those who aren't with you today, but most of all cherishing the best gift we could ever be given. Wishing you and yours a beautiful rest of the holiday season and a fantastic 2010!

With immense gratitude and love.
In Christ,
The Stanfield Family

All bundled up on Christmas Eve

Faith Clare and Koplin- cousins 5 days apart

Deacon and Haylee- cousins 3 months apart

Mama and her babies

Sledding with Papa

Haylee, Deacon, Aleyse and Papa building a snow fort

Santa buddy

Daddy & Faith Clare

Houston snow with Mama

Hanging with Daddy in preparation for "real snow"

"For a child is born to us, a son is give to us... He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."- Isaiah 9:6

Suffering Well

2009-11-30T21:29:00.002-06:00

As I look at my calendar and realize that in a few hours we will actually be in December, for some reason it stops me in my tracks. The holidays are undoubtedly filled with such joy and I am so grateful to be able to say that as we approach this second Christmas without Maddox, I am overwhelmed with peace and I have a very content heart. However, this time of year is definitely marked for me. December 1st initiates the time of tremendous joy and intense pain that I experienced as I walked intimate journeys with close friends while they welcomed and then often quickly said goodbye to their precious babies. First Angie, then Yvette, then Christie, then Kim and Karen... then our turn... the list goes on.

As I reflected on this time of year today, I came across a devotional in my Bible that spoke directly to this and it reminded me of a memory verse from earlier in the year: "I tell you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!"- John 16:33. Each of us will suffer, in some way, at some time. And the crummy thing... it likely won't even be just once! But what exactly does it mean to suffer and do it well? Is that even possible? Read this devotional and let me know what you think...

Suffering Well
1 Peter 2:4-25

"WHAT GOOD IS SUFFERING?"
Have you ever asked that question? If so, you're not alone. The problem of pain and suffering in the world has turned many people away from faith in God and has inspired countless books and articles. Scholars and laypeople have tried for centuries to unravel the mystery of how God's plan can include evil in any form.

We live in a corrupt, fallen world in which illness occurs, violence happens and evil, for the time being, is allowed to run its course. Suffering is inevitable... our passage today even tells us we were "called" to suffer. It's not a matter of if we will suffer but when we will suffer. As believers in Jesus Christ, however, suffering offers the opportunity to display Christ's character and grace. For Christians, rather than asking, "Why does God allow suffering?" or even, "Why am I suffering?" we should ask, "How can I suffer well?"

Most of the early church leaders suffered violent deaths because of their outspoken and radical faith in Jesus. But every time one of them was martyred, the number of Christians grew. Why? Because people long to give themselves fully to a cause worth dying for. We all long for purpose and peace- and Jesus Christ offers both.

In his book Velvet Elvis, Bible teacher Rob Bell writes, "Ultimately our gift to the world around us is hope. Not blind hope that pretends everything is fine and refuses to acknowledge how things are. But the kind of hope that comes from staring pain and suffering right in the eyes and refusing to believe that this is all there is. It is what we all need- hope that comes not from going around suffering but from going through it."

Let's pray that God will allow us the privilege and strength of suffering well... for our sake, for his sake and for the sake of those who don't yet know him.

"But you are a chose people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light."- 1 Peter 2:9

Counting Blessings

2009-11-26T15:51:00.005-06:00

Counting my sweet blessings on this day to give thanks!

Thankful for the blessings that surround...

Thankful for the blessings that are waiting...

Thankful for the blessings that keep me in the moment...

Thankful for the blessings of love, laughter, joy and faith...

Thankful for the blessing of this precious life... and the next!

"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful."- Colossians 3:15

It Seems Someone is One!

2009-11-16T14:49:00.009-06:00

It seems virtually impossible that you are now one year old, my precious Faith Clare! Oh, how I remember that mid-November day of 2008... what sweet one as we welcomed you to our world! I want you to know how much I have loved being home with you, enjoying each and every moment of your growth and development... celebrating your milestones, loving you through your hard times and frustrations, cherishing your little-bittiness, and now treasuring your attempts to be a "big girl."

It seems like just yesterday that we found out you were on the way, and you filled our hearts with joy, hope, and thankfulness. I have always known that you are a special promise from God and it amazes me how you have brought such a fun-loving dynamic to our family. You make your daddy softer as I see him love and cuddle you, your brother sweeter as he rubs your head and says he loves you, and me... You've made your mama more thankful and present as I try to absorb each moment that we snuggle, sing, laugh, and play. We would be far from complete without you here in this family!

It seems that many think you are more like me than I could have ever imagined! You are feisty, fun and often fiercely independent. You generally know very definitively what you want and have no problem expressing that to anyone within about 50 feet! You love reading books, engaging in lively conversation, and playing with your new babies. You are often happiest while wrestling, dancing, chasing, tickling, stacking and of course unpacking your diaper bag. You have a sweet spirit, tend to be very smiley and love being in your mama's arms. Deacon and Scarlet are your best buddies and it brings me such joy to see your face light up at the end of the day when "da da" walks in the door and you head straight his way to be picked up and loved.

It seems to me that you are beautiful, strong-willed, loyal, fun, challenging, sweet, loving, playful, demanding, energetic, daring yet cautious, independent yet dependent... It seems that you are full of life and full of contradictions, and we are full of love and thankfulness for you! You are my precious first girl and I can't wait to continue to celebrate life with you!

It seems to me that you are just about perfect! Happy 1st Birthday my sweet love.

"O LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago."- Isaiah 25:1

My Reflection

2009-11-03T09:19:00.005-06:00

Right now I'm coming to confess that I haven't been myself lately. Or at least I haven't been the self that I would like to think that I am. I seem to be an ugly version of me. My reflection shows an impatient, frustrated, worn-down, tired, and not joyful person. Where did I go?? I'm mad at myself for being this way, and yet I totally know what is wrong. I'm trying to do it all myself. I have been asking God for help, telling Him that I'm reaching my limit and can't do this on my own, and yet, things haven't gotten easier. The funny thing?? I know exactly why. I am still holding on to all of it. I'm asking for help and not giving one ounce of it up.

On Sunday at church I just cried during worship as I thought of all that the Lord has done for us, for our family. I cried because of the ugliness that I saw in my life. I cried because my daughter is such an amazing gift from Him and yet, she is so hard and is challenging me beyond what I ever expected. I cried because if Maddox were here things would undoubtedly be so much harder and yet I'm struggling just as it is. The contradictions I see are astounding.

Do you ever just feel inadequate? So often it seems cyclical and in different seasons of my life I feel like I have a great balance- being a wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister- and then at other times I feel like things are so out-of-whack. Quite simply, this is where I am now. I feel like I'm pouring so much into being the mom that my kids need (and taking care of "domestic" duties) and yet I'm still falling short. It seems to be a negative chain reaction and by time my sweet hubby gets home, I'm spent. Lack of time with him means the whole family balance is off. I just can't find my bearings. And my precious girl... oh my amazingly fun and independent girl... She is so. much. more., in all ways, than what I could have ever imagined. As of late she has been waking up at all hours of the night, for the last two nights crying for almost two hours straight. "If baby doesn't sleep, mama doesn't sleep". You know the drill. So for me to wake up and have any alone time with the Lord is virtually impossible since she is still beating me awake after the two inconsolable hours when I'm also awake hearing her cry. Suddenly, my day gets going, nighttime somehow arrives and I'm left wondering where it all went wrong. Honestly, I'm just tired... and the crazy thing is all the while I know what I'm missing. So where has the Lord gone? Maybe I should re-phrase it... where have I gone? And what am I going to do to fix it?

I certainly know how blessed we are. I could list a thousand ways and more that our Father has blessed, provided, protected and sustained us... and still in the day-to-day I get entangled. Sometimes I feel so deep in the trenches of motherhood that I wonder where the fun, exciting, knowledgeable person I used to be went. I LOVE this job... I wouldn't trade it for any other in the world and crazy as it seems, it didn't even take losing my son to make me realize it. I don't take this for granted. I know God has called me to this place and if it is where HE wants me then HE will provide. He will provide the strength, the wisdom, the joy, the energy, the spirit of fun... all these things I so desperately need right now.

In some ways I wish I was the only one experiencing this right now, but I know that I'm not. Would you pray with me for encouragement for all of us moms out there? Would you ask God to give us the JOY, the wisdom, the rest, and the strength that we are all needing? Would you ask Him to help us to daily turn it all over? It's so hard but the Holy Spirit can't do his work when we don't let go of the reigns.

I'm praying that in the days and weeks to come my reflection would be one of beauty... a beauty that can only come from fully relying on God to sustain each and every day.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."- Romans 12:12

Birthday Boy

2009-10-28T16:53:00.006-05:00

Happy birthday to my precious firstborn!

D, I can't believe that the time has gone by so fast and you are already 4! Each day you continue to amaze your daddy and I as you smile, laugh, investigate, create, build, imagine, play, question and love. You are so awesome with your sister and I love that I can trust you at such a young age to help me care for her... you are literally the center of her world right now. You bring great joy to my heart on those sweet occasions when you remember your brother Maddox and we can talk about all that God has done in our lives and who is waiting for us in Heaven. You definitely own your "master Lego builder" title and can sit for hours dreaming up and creating some amazing things with those tiny little pieces. You still love your cars and trains, but lately you have really loved dressing up like a knight to sword fight, pretending to be Batman or Superman, playing cowboy, or preparing for the NFL. I love seeing your determination, hard work and love for learning. You enjoy playing soccer, baseball, and football, especially with daddy, and it's a blast to watch you grow in your knowledge and love for sports. I am so grateful for our special time at home together and thank the Lord daily for entrusting you to our care... You have set the bar high and we can't wait to see what God has in store for your precious life. Always remember that we love you so much and we are your biggest advocates! You are simply AMAZING!

"Therefore, as God's chosen child, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." Lord, help D bear with others and forgive whatever grievances he may have against others. Help him forgive as You have forgiven us. And over all these virtues help him put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.- taken from Colossians 3:12-14

Preschool Help

2009-10-14T16:54:00.003-05:00

Calling all moms of preschoolers OR former preschoolers!

I'm working on a project that could use a little input from all you wise moms out there. What were some of the questions you had/asked when you considered enrolling your child in a particular school? What were you looking for in regards to academics, play and extra-curricular? How did you know if a certain school was right for your family and your child? Did any of the schools offer special "perks" for you as parents that were especially appealing?

Can't wait to hear what you think! Thanks for helping me out.

"The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction."- Proverbs 16:21

Approaching

2009-10-12T22:29:00.003-05:00

Approaching her first birthday...

Today we celebrate 11 months!

"Do you hear what these children are saying?" they asked him. "Yes," replied Jesus, "have you never read, "'From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise?"- Matthew 21:16

Dedication

2009-10-11T21:13:00.004-05:00

Today was Faith Clare's dedication at church and it was sweet, short and pretty much perfect.

What an important day for us as we dedicated her to the Lord... the Lord that blessed us with her. The same Lord that knew every detail of our lives, and hers, and chose her just for us. I felt such joy as we stood at the front of the sanctuary and stated that we were committing to raise her in a home that would teach her of the Lord and the Bible, both by precept and by example, and how to love God entirely. It was a precious time and she did great, even clapping a few times during the joint dedication of 37 children. Just beautiful!

Today was an important day emotionally for me as well. When I stepped into my closet this morning there was no doubt what I would be wearing for this special occasion. The dress has been hanging in my closet since the last time I put it on that Saturday morning, January 26th, 2008. It is the one that I wore to celebrate the brief life of our precious second son and today I was able to wear it in a similar, but very different manner; to celebrate the life of our precious first daughter and symbolically give her over to the Lord as well. Wow... once again, simply beautiful!

"Then it was time for their purification offering, as required by the law of Moses after the birth of a child; so his parents took him to Jerusalem to present him to the Lord."- Luke 2:22

Just One Look

2009-09-26T09:03:00.003-05:00

I'd like to say that this day, this 26th of September, doesn't affect me... I'm not there yet. In some ways I would love to stand proudly and say that it doesn't even draw my attention, but only two years out from that life-changing day, I'm still not there. In many ways, I wonder if I will ever be. There seem to be infrequent days that bring me tears, but without a doubt this day and that precious one in January are the two that seem so difficult. In January we physically lost Maddox, but this September day 2007 we confronted a reality we never imagined possible and lost so many dreams we had for our family.

I could have never imagined just two years ago the way we would be changed- how the Lord would truly "break me and pour me out", how I would lose so much but gain infinitely more only in the power and strength of Him. Today is a hard day, but I can't even imagine it without the cross and that beautiful promise of everlasting life.

Below is an article I wrote for Katy Magazine a few months back to be published in their fall issue. It was amazing to be able to write our story and allow others in the community a glimpse into our life, a life of Trisomy 18 and one of hope, joy, and faith, and I thought today would be a perfect day to share it.

(If you visit Katy Magazine, click on Current Issue and go to the bottom where the story is listed- Just One Look.)

I'll leave you with these few amazing lines of In Christ Alone. I heard them this morning and while they always fill me with tremendous joy, they also bring me to tears each time I hear them...

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'Till He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

"Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. We live by faith, not by sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad."- 2 Corinthians 5:6-10

**Please pray this morning and the following days for the Anderson Family. This morning is baby Rhyder's Celebration Service and I will be attending. He lived a miraculous 25 days and then went to be with the Lord. His family is confident in his eternity but are desperately missing him.

Speaking LIFE

2009-09-23T21:11:00.002-05:00

What an amazing reminder today from a wonderful and gifted Pam Thompson... speaking words of LIFE into our children!

I trust you. You are amazing. You are talented. You are beautiful. You can do it buddy! Keep trying sister, I know you'll get it. You are so smart. You are so creative. I love how your mind works. I love how sweet you are to your sister. I am so impressed with your coloring job. Thank you for being such a BIG helper. That was a great response baby! Good try, let's do it again! Wow, I'm blown away by your kindness. You are such a selfless friend. I care so much for you. You light up my life. You make my heart overflow. God has given you such a sweet spirit. I love how much fun I have with you! Your laughter is infectious. You are such an independent thinker. Great job cleaning up. You did a wonderful job getting dressed and ready this morning. Thank you for being so responsible. I respect you. I greatly value your input. I love watching you grow and learn. God has given you an amazing mind. You are a joy. You are so fast! You can do anything you set your mind to. I love your confidence. I love your determination. I love your work ethic. I love how loyal you are. I love spending time with you. I treasure you. You are such a GIFT to me. You bring such wonderful life to our family! God sure created you special! I LOVE YOU!

So many days I get caught up on all the rules- on the obedience, respect, honesty, loyalty, manners, kind words, gentle spirit, sweet hands, controlled tongue that I forget about the other side of parenting my child. Not that we don't have fun around here because heaven knows we have a blast, but there are times when I do feel like I am constantly "reiterating" the rules. "Obedience first time. Is that respectful? Did you speak with a controlled voice? Are you treating your sister with kindness?..." The list could go on and on. YES, we are called to raise children that honor and respect the Lord and I truly believe without them being able to honor and respect those around them, that will never be first-nature in their relationship with the Lord. However, there are many times when I'm so focused on them "acting right" that I forget to speak the words that truly bring LIFE into their little lives.

We all thrive on kind words, ones from the heart and that are spoken personally and with love. Not one single day goes by that I don't tell my children that I love them, that I don't pray over them, that they shouldn't feel that they are loved. But truth be told, some days I'm distracted. Some days I halfheartedly glace in the direction of the "BIG RED AIRPLANE" that Deacon is pointing out in the sky and respond "uh huh babe, that's awesome" as I continue driving along listening to the radio. Pretty? no. Honest? yes. That's life and we all get busy, overwhelmed, frustrated. But in the midst of life are we speaking those words that truly reach the HEART of our children? I know many days pass without a very intentional word of LIFE spoken into my two babies... and into my husband for that matter. Let's all practice a few words of life... I know it could revolutionize my home. How about yours?

"This is the day that the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it."- Psalm 118:24

Too close

2009-09-12T21:13:00.004-05:00

Too close indeed... to her first birthday! I can't believe she is 10 months old today. This girl just keeps growing, personality mostly and in size just a bit. She LOVES her brother, wants to be with Mama most of the time, and is a snuggling fool with Daddy. She is so kissable, huggable, lovable, UNBELIEVABLE! Thank you, God, for Faith Clare!

"Children are a blessing and a gift from the Lord."- Psalm 127:3

Off to School, Off to School...

2009-09-08T13:41:00.002-05:00

Today was Deacon's first day back at Preschool and he was SUPER excited! For the last few days we have been talking about going back~ new friends, new teachers, but the same great school and lots of learning and fun! Last night Deacon and I went shopping for a new "back-to-school" T-shirt and he wanted Superman. He told me then he could be "extra-super"... a super helper and a super listener... Boy, that sounded good to me!! This morning he still wasn't sure why his best buddies Millie and Grant weren't going to be in his class or why Ms. Terri wasn't his teacher so we went over that again in the car on the way there but it all seemed to disappear as we pulled into the parking lot. He jumped out and was ready to go!

He seemed darn relaxed so I wasn't too worried!

Deacon and Mama at assembly before the start of school each morning. Daddy and Faith Clare went as well since it is a BIG family affair for the first day of school!

Listening quietly on the blanket at assembly...

All lined up and ready to go back to class... his friend Nathan is peeking out from behind him.

Deacon did awesome going back and only looked back once, waved real big and said "Bye Mama!" What a big boy... so proud of him. Now what to do with all of this time with Faith Clare. I think we're both going to miss him!

"Guide me in your truth and teach me, O Lord, for you are God my Father and my hope is in you all day long."- Psalm 25:5

Just a Glimpse...

2009-08-27T21:59:00.006-05:00

(Georgia~ a precious friend from the hospital that was instrumental in our time with Maddox)

Just a glimpse... of the sweet, precious baby Rhyder and his mama and daddy! Continuing to pray for this wonderful family as they trust in God's plan for their son's life and prepare to take him home from the hospital tomorrow. YAY! We are so excited for the way God has been so real and tangible in their lives. I'm in awe!

As you can imagine, the journey I have shared with this family has been such a huge blessing to me. It has been precious and joyful and wonderful... and it has also brought so many dormant memories to the surface. All of my memories with Maddox are beautiful and intimate, but many are also so filled with sorrow. Being at the hospital, seeing my precious nurses, visiting with our doctor... All of these things are so critical to recognizing how far the Lord has brought us since January of last year and yet, all so very difficult. Tears have continued to reemerge over the past few days- not over wishing Maddox were still here, but for simply missing his presence in my life.

God has revealed a plan for our family like none we could have ever imagined... A story of great love, of a marriage, of commitment to our Father... and one of a first child, of a tragic condition, of a second child, of a loss... and still one of much prayer, much comfort, much healing, and much promise... For without him (and HIM) we wouldn't have her... our precious third child. And somehow I know that none of this could ever be a mistake. What a beautiful peace as we ALL place our very lives in His hands.

"Yet something even greater than friendship is ours. Now that we are at peace with God, we will be saved by his Son's life."- Romans 5:10 (CEV)

Update on Baby Rhyder

2009-08-26T14:55:00.002-05:00

Thank you for all the inquiries into how baby Rhyder is doing... I'm sorry I didn't update sooner, but I spent a majority of the day with them at the hospital and only updated my facebook.

All of this to say that, praise GOD, baby Rhyder is doing fantastic! He had a tough go in the beginning, but once they got him on some oxygen he really picked up good color and had a stable heart rate. Mom and Dad were able to spend precious time with him (which most of you know isn't customary with a C-section) and then he was taken down to the NICU for assessment with his daddy by his side.

For the last day and a half he has done well maintaining his body temperature, feeding from a syringe and bottle, and has had wet and poopy diapers. For most newborns this isn't a miraculous feat, but for babies with T18, this is absolutely awesome! Often these sweet ones can't coordinate the suck-swallow-and-breathe pattern, but Rhyder has been able to prevent a feeding tube by proving that he can in fact manage that on his own. Also, many babies with T18 have major kidney and bowel issues so from that stance, he is doing remarkable as well.

Mom and Dad continue to remain optimistic about Rhyder's future, yet are clinging to every moment with him and savoring their precious time! As we know with all T18 babies, each day, each moment is independent of the one before it. There is no promise of tomorrow, but there is also no reason not to take hold of the hope and belief that God will continue to pour out His miracles on this family.

They are surrounded by family and friends and while many of their needs are being met, they can never have enough prayer! Please join me as we praise God for the miracle He has brought forth in baby Rhyder's life, and in prayer as we ask for a longevity for him that far exceeds anyone's expectations. Please also pray for Rhyder's little body that is working hard, for Mom and Dad as they try to get a bit of rest amidst the joy and machines, for Rhyder's big brothers to grasp a love far beyond their years, and for all of us that are personally with them to be an encouragement and to serve them as the hands and feet of Christ.

Thank you for your prayers and I will continue to keep you updated on this precious family!

"You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands."- Isaiah 55:12

Prayer Request

2009-08-24T20:17:00.002-05:00

Dear friends, I am asking that you join me in prayer tonight and tomorrow as a sweet family that I have come to know is preparing to welcome their third precious baby boy into the world. His name is Rhyder and he has been diagnosed with Trisomy 18. They are scheduled for a C-section at 7am tomorrow morning and are praying for time with their sweet boy... I ask that you pray that the Lord will keep their hearts protected but fully open to the love and experience of their precious child. Please pray for the fabulous doctor (who also delivered Maddox), the staff, nurses, and all assisting in any care for their family. Please pray for their family and friends as they stand beside them, awaiting a miracle, no matter how the day goes.

My heart is very weighted for them right now... for all the anticipation of finally meeting Rhyder, for the joy that they will experience and for God's perfect will to play out in their lives.

Thank you for lifting up other families as they walk this road!

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you; I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."- John 14:27

Rekindled Friendship

2009-08-20T14:27:00.002-05:00

I love our Lord! Can I just say that again?... I love our Lord!! I love Him for what He has provided for us in times of need, what He has protected in our tender hearts, what He has blessed us with in times of trial, what He has required of us as we walk in faith, what He has sought from us in times of healing... I just LOVE MY GOD! He has sent some of the most amazing people alongside of us in this journey of growing our family and seeking Him... and of all places, Chick-fil-A was the site of another amazing encounter today.

When Dusty and I first got married and moved to Houston we knew no one. I mean NO ONE! We moved into an apartment and thus began our very difficult first year of marriage. Yes, we had dated for years... we'd actually dated in high school and he was truly my first boyfriend at 14 years old... but everything was suddenly so different. New town without friends or family, new marriage, new job, new church, new car... it was all brand-spanking new. From the outside it looked great, but from the inside, we both had a lot of growing to do- together and in the Lord.

We lived in our "luxury" apartment for a few months and began noticing another couple that looked about our age and "status", recently married. We'd say hi to them as we passed in the halls, but we never really got to know each other well... until we both happened to get new puppies. Just like kids, jobs and the like, puppies can bring people together and that is just what Rudy and Scarlet did. We started hanging out every once in a while, taking care of the other pup when someone had to be out of town, and doing dinner occasionally. Suddenly before we knew it, May had arrived and although we loved these new friends, we definitely didn't love the price, location, or roaches in the apartment. We decided to move further south of town but thankfully we all stayed in touch. We even had them down once to our new apartment...

But as it often happens with time and distance, we didn't stay in touch. I have thought of them every now and then since we have moved again and actually it was probably 6 months ago when their names came up in conversation. Dusty and I laughed about Scarlet's first friend... sweet Rudy and his "parents".

Fast forward to lunch today.

A good friend of mine walked into Chick-fil-A with her kids in tow... and not far behind her was a beautiful girl with a precious baby boy, legs wrapped around her waist. She was so familiar yet I had no idea where to place her. While our local Chick-fil-A is normally chaotic at lunch and doesn't offer much sit-and-chat time, today was especially so because it was our Moms @ Second (formally MOPS) Meet and Greet (Y-e-a-h... just think of all the kids). Although I was somewhat distracted with feeding Faith Clare and getting Deacon to finish his fruit, I kept glancing over at this mom. I felt a connection with her, but honestly something else kept drawing my eyes in her direction. I couldn't get past one thing... her precious baby boy. A sweet little guy that I knew in the first instant had Trisomy 21.

As we finished up lunch and began wandering to try and be social, my good friend called me over. She introduced me to her friend and the girl immediately said "I really feel like I know you!" We both threw out places where we could have known one another and then suddenly she said, "Did you live In-town?" The light bulb flashed and I semi-yelled "You're Rudy's mom!" We both started laughing and talking about life 7 years ago and our dogs.

After a few minutes had passed and I looked down at her sweet boy and I said "I wouldn't ask this normally, but... I'm guessing he has Trisomy 21." She said yes and as I looked up, I knew that she knew. I instantly realized that Maddox had come up in the conversation of trying to figure out how she knew me and my friend Kristi had told her a bit of our story. See, Kristi's precious daughter was born the day before Maddox so I always gauge his age by her. In the beginning it was excruciating... now it's just pure joy.

So as I glanced up and looked into this "old" friend's face, the tears had already filled my eyes. There we were in the middle of a crowded, chaotic Chick-fil-A, both with tears streaming as we talked about the stories of our precious babies- one that was sitting there and truly amazing... the other one sitting with the Lord, and also amazing. The beautiful eyes of her 15-month-old baby said it all and I couldn't help but thank God for His awesome timing and divine nature. No, our situations are not the same, but boy, what it is like to be in the presence of another mother who intimately knows so much of your heart simply because she has been there. Her sweet boy is here and mine is not... but we have both experienced fear, joy, worry, gratitude, sorrow, life, and a feeling of lost dreams but deep intimacy with the Lord. It is beautiful to see the way the Lord is using both of our boys' lives for His glory: one as a testimony to healing on this side of eternity, and one to the healing we receive in the presence of God.

My heart is full and thankful... Thankful for this rekindled friendship, for this shared camaraderie, and also for the divine Providence of our faithful God. He is always working and so often in ways that we least expect it! Man, how I LOVE that.

"Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him."- John 14:19-21

9 months

2009-08-13T07:50:00.006-05:00

Faith Clare turned 9 months yesterday and her personality is in full bloom! This girl is definitely happy, smiley and a snuggler but she also knows very much what she wants, at such an early age! One of her favorite activities is following after her brother and being wherever he is- pulling up on the couch to touch his feet, trying to play trains on the floor with him (which always ends with a wrecked track and slimy wheels), and laughing uncontrollably when he does everything in his power to make her smile. She loves to be tickled, to read books, to give "fives" and to play on the floor. She is crawling all over, pulling up on anything possible, chewing on the closest thing to her mouth (including her fingers...or yours!) and is just figuring out how to wave hello and goodbye.

I would never pretend to tell anyone that she is an "easy" baby... and in about 2 minutes you would discover it for yourself! She is a mover and is constantly on the go. She is rather demanding and definitely lets you know exactly what she does and does not want in her day. She has a high-pitched scream that she uses to express pure joy (SO fun!) and pure disdain (...NOT so awesome) and it literally makes you cover your ears... or at least open the windows in the 100 degree Houston heat to let the sound escape. She is my precious girl... full of life, laughter and fun and she brings us great joy. I pray for her each night that all of these qualities, some fun, some frustrating, will serve her well and help her clearly discern right and wrong and stand up for what she believes. I also pray they will help her find her place in serving the Lord.

Here are her stats:
16lbs 8oz (10%)
28 inches (75%)
FOC 45cm (75-90%)

(Thank you Christa and Angela for the pictures!)

And my Deacon... well, just a little something funny. As the doctor walked in for Faith Clare's appointment, Deacon asked our pediatrician "...I wanted to know- can you come over to our house and play with me??" Our doctor is A.maaa.zing and smiled and said "I would Deacon, but I hate to commit to that because I am soooo busy! What would we do though if I came to your house?" To which his reply was "You'd play trains and cars with me!" There was a short lull as he chuckled and then D piped up, "and my mommy said you have a little boy." He said he did and showed us a picture of his precious 15 month old. D said "hummm, okay... I guess you can bring him too!"

"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."- Hebrews 11:1

Funny hair

2009-08-08T22:36:00.006-05:00

So I walked into Deacon's room last night, just as he and Daddy were praying when I overheard this- "and God, please be with Daaaaddy, so he can get a haircuuuut.... because his hair looks so fuuuuunnny!" as he ran his fingers through Dusty's hair.... simply put, we could barely finish his prayers because we were laughing so hard. That is our big boy!

"A wise son brings joy to his father"- Proverbs 15:20

Standing Tall

2009-07-23T14:03:00.004-05:00

This is a much happier face than I saw early this morning. When I opened the door to her room at 6:30am, the smell of throw-up overwhelmed me immediately. Both her and her bed were covered... Needless to say we didn't make it to VBS but instead spent the morning cleaning up the mess. However, look who I found standing in her crib after her second nap this morning (yes, 2 naps before noon!) I can't believe she's getting so big!

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."
- Philippians 4:13

Bedtime Prayer

2009-07-17T21:00:00.001-05:00

My heart has been somewhat gripped lately. I have cried quite a few tears and although I can't quite pinpoint the cause, it's true that I've thought a lot about Maddox. His 18-month birthday is upon us. I've watched from afar as two families have said goodbye to their precious infants this week. I've been reliving our story as I mentally prepare to write an article for a local magazine about Maddox and Trisomy 18. You're Not Shaken (Phil Stacey) has been playing constantly, in my car and in my mind. All of this and more has caused my mind to wander... not to what should have been, but what is... and also what is not.

There are many things, a lifetime-full, of what is not... but there are many things that were and a very special thing that is. It's not especially deep or profound, but it is something that means the world to me. A special prayer that will always link me to my children. A prayer that I made up and recited over Deacon when he was a baby, the same one that I prayed over Maddox as I cradled his body while his spirit was already with Jesus, and one that I now speak in a whisper over Faith Clare as she drifts off at night.

Just a small, intimate glimpse at a portion of our nighttime routine... and that one special evening we spent with Maddox.

I love you, Lord, with all my heart;
I always have, since the very start.
You bless my life with all I need-
Thank you, Lord. Now take the lead.

Mama and Daddy love you so much... and so does Jesus!

The beautiful thing is that now Deacon will say it with me. Hopefully as he grows he will remember this overly simple prayer and know that the Lord always provides all that we could ever need... and that we are so thankful for His blessings.

"By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me— a prayer to the God of my life."- Psalm 42:8

Wordless Wednesday

2009-07-08T13:57:00.003-05:00

"Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever."- Psalm 23:6

Not Me! Monday

2009-07-06T15:42:00.006-05:00

All I have to say is that I certainly did NOT set my daughter inside of playground equipment at church to take a cute picture and then forget that she is crawling and let her lunge forward (or should I say fall) out of it and get into a face skermish with the mulch (and let's just say the mulch won!) That would be SO inattentive of me to worry more about a photo op than about her safety! Geeesh.And YES, the smiling baby pictures were of course before the fall. Scratches and a mulch-covered, crying face just isn't that pleasant to photograph. Poor baby... terrible mama! Good thing she's tough...

If you're up for playing Not Me! Monday, head on over to MckMama's blog to see how to get in on the fun!

"May your father and mother be glad; may she who gave you birth rejoice."- Proverbs 23:25

Blessed

2009-06-30T14:54:00.008-05:00

I am so blessed... so thankful! God is GOOD (dare I say perfect!) and His provision and faithfulness in ALL THINGS are astounding (really? check out this and this). It is crazy to think that in just a couple of months it will be two years since that September day when we received Maddox's diagnosis of Trisomy 18. So long ago... and yet, somehow just yesterday. Over this time, I've grown quite a bit: spiritually, emotionally and mentally. But I also feel that I have grown in other ways. I have grown in love, compassion, understanding, purpose, and maybe even a bit in where the Lord will be calling me in the future... but the biggest place I have grown is in prayer and friendship.

When we received the diagnosis for our precious second child, the only thing we knew to do was to cry out to God. We cried out for comfort, for peace, for faith, for guidance, for hope and for love. As the Lord began to work in our hearts, we saw Him reveal answers to each of those desperate prayers in incredibly tangible ways... in large part He answered through the love of His people. He brought our families to rally in prayer with us. He brought amazing friends to serve us in unimaginable ways. He brought "strangers" from around the globe to pray for our family and for the life of our child. He brought women who would become precious friends walking a similar road to meet their babies- women of different ages and experiences and backgrounds to share the fear, joy, and praises, and eventual pain, sorrow and longing. AND He brought something so beautiful... He brought us hope through life already being lived. Not "incompatible with life" life, but L-I-F-E!

On Friday, I met face-to-face one of those precious babies, living this life, with Trisomy 18. To see her face, to see her talk and play and sit and interact and study... she is a precious miracle, God's miracle, proving that each child deserves the gift of life! To see Annabel's beautiful face and look into those dark brown eyes... I was flooded with emotion- emotion that I can't even explain. Her sweet presence, just being in our house, somehow confirmed to me what I have always known but haven't been able to fully realize... Annabel proved to me that Maddox's life carried great purpose. His was short, just an instant, and hers in longer than most medical professionals would allow you to believe possible... and yet they are united. Two precious lives united in life, united in Trisomy 18, united in love, and most importantly, united in the purpose and perfection they bring to God's kingdom.

Our short time together, simply put, was amazing. Annabel (with her mama Cathy and her awesome sister Tara) brought an unspeakable sense of hope to my heart... Hope and joy and life... LIFE is such a beautiful gift! How blessed we all are.

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."- James 1:12

Picture (Im)Perfect

2009-06-24T21:16:00.003-05:00

I'm no photographer, but man, do I LOVE these pictures?! Especially the last one... of the BEST Father ever with two of his sweet babies! I love my husband so much and it was a joy to shower him with that love on Father's Day~ just as a reminder! The rest are a few snapshots of our summer fun...

"Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me."- Psalm 31:3

Life Lessons

2009-06-17T20:33:00.003-05:00

I received this from my friend Christa as a forward and thought it to be insightful, fun AND inspiring!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer- Cleveland, OH

To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.
It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we’d grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."- Romans 6:23

Not Me! Monday

2009-06-15T14:35:00.003-05:00

So I have never actually played along with "Not Me!" Monday that is hosted by my friend MckMama, but I figured it's never too late to start... AND I did have an interesting time this past week hanging with the kiddos all by myself while Dusty was gone at Beach Retreat (High School Ministry retreat to Gulf Shores, AL). So here are all of the things that I definitely did not do these past 7 days!

I am so patient with my children and others' children as well (really I am!) that I certainly did not declare like a 2-year-old, "Hey, remember I'm in charge!" and "You don't own that!" to a few little ones this week. That is definitely not something I would do!

I am never, ever sleep-deprived so I definitely didn't in a sleepy haze put sugar instead of Miralax in Deacon's morning milk and realize it as I handed it to my wide-awake three-year-old as I glanced back at the counter and the open jar of sugar. Nope, not me!

When Deacon, Faith Clare and I all stopped at Jamba Juice after a morning at the Y, I definitely didn't laugh like a junior high boy when Deacon asked me for a snack and then proceeded to point to what he wanted. He said "what is that called?" and I responded "Pirate's Booty" to which we both feel over laughing as he continued to say "You eat Pirate booty? Ah hahahahaha!"

After said trip to Jamba Juice, I definitely didn't have it up to my ears with Faith Clare's cries and say rather loudly "Ugh, Faith Clare what are you DOING?" when my 6-month-old (who grabs everything) ripped my straw from my cup and threw it on the floor. That would totally be over the top and ridiculous to yell at a 6-month-old!

I would never, ever be so unconscious about what I looked like that I would wear a ragged t-shirt, no makeup, tennis shoes and really short booty shorts to HEB... only then to realize what I looked like and try to sag ultra-short shorts so I wouldn't look like a trash-mom at the grocery store. Not ME!

My sweet baby girl certainly wouldn't have diaper rash for 8 days (with a doctor's prescription for said rash) only to take her to Babies R Us, after declining an appointment to see the doctor, to have a store clerk tell me "Oh honey, that's no diaper rash, that's YEAST!" I would never be that silly or naive to not realize that!

With my helpful husband out of town, I would never be so exhausted and at my wits-end to say to my 3-year-old "stop acting like a child" or to my 6-month-old "ah, you're such a crybaby!" DEFINITELY, not me!

And last of all, I definitely didn't work out at the Y, go to the swimming pool, go to bed that night in my clean sheets and then again go to work out at the Y, all without taking a shower. That would be just plain gross and no one would ever think the swimming pool is kind of like a big, huge public bathtub without soap. No one!

If you want to join in the Not me! fun, just hop on over to MckMama's blog to play! Wow... definitely therapeutic!

"Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy..."- Psalm 126:2

Why do we do what we do?

2009-06-14T14:31:00.001-05:00

I've been thinking quite a bit lately about people's nature. Why exactly do we do what we do? Why do we stare at accidents on the side of the road? Why do we look at that lady's children in the store and think "my child would never get away with that?" Why do we put ourselves in vulnerable situations at the risk of our own safety or comfort to help another? Why are we drawn to stories of heartbreak and tragedy at the risk of our own mental state? Is this our most basic humanness at work, or is there something to be learned from all of it... any lessons from God?

This week the story of "April Rose" had me up for half the night when I found out the truth of what was going on and honestly, I laid in bed for hours thinking about what would lead someone down that road. I myself have had several unbecoming, prideful moments this past week as I solo-parented while Dusty was out of town. Quite a few times I amazed myself with my own capabilities and then, literally, the minute the pride made it's way to my brain, the roof of the prideful situation came crashing down and I once again got a taste of humble-pie. I have several friends that have recently announced pregnancies- three of my friends actually, and all three are carrying their third baby. As you can imagine, discussions quickly go to the presumed, or hoped-for sex of the newest blessing growing inside. So then what really got me thinking about all of this, and why we do what we do, was what one of these dear pregnant friends said to me the other day. During conversation she said, "A friend asked me what sex I wanted this baby to be and she said 'and I don't want to hear all that 'healthy baby' junk, just tell me what you really want'..." As my friend and I continued the conversation what do you think happened? Do you think I A) went right along with the conversation without missing a beat and totally understood her rationale for hoping "boy" B) acted fine but was appalled that she would say this to me, someone who really understood what it meant to want a healthy baby C) said "well the sex of the baby would never be quite so important once you experienced leaving a hospital altogether without a baby"?

If you guessed B or C... you'd actually be wrong. The answer is A. Should I be declared a saint? Hardly! Am I crazy? Am I just a big liar? You might think so, but to be honest, I didn't even think of the conversation again until yesterday evening when it came up differently... So why do I bring it up now? Because all of this has me thinking about how we allow others' experiences to influence our own.

For me, the answer to that question is deeper than just "A". It is "A" because this friend has not walked in my shoes. Although she walked right beside me through it all, she has not been where I have been or experienced things the way I have. My apprehension and fears about pregnancy and loss are just that, my own. For good or bad, I've experienced a lot, and have walked through so many other losses with other mothers. My answer is "A" because I want this precious friend to continue on with her blissful thoughts about the future. I want her to know our story, but not own it. God has chosen her for many things, and for His reasons He chose Maddox for us.

But how does my experience of pregnancy and fear and loss play into her expectations for her own child? Does walking that road with us influence her thoughts about her child's safety? I pray not, and truthfully I haven't asked her... but for the most part, isn't that human nature? To watch others experiences and somehow allow them to directly impact our own? So then if that is the case (as I feel it is in my life) how do we as Christians "get in the trenches" with others and yet not allow their experiences to pull us to a place that isn't from God??

I guess ultimately what I'm wondering is... how do you walk through a significant "life-event" with someone (in real life, through the blogworld, through prayer, through a friend-of-a-friend) and not let it alter your joy, your high-expectations, your actions, or your faith? Do you feel it is basic humanness to want to be a part of dramatic events or do you feel God is teaching you valuable lessons through those experiences?

I've thought so much about this blog and what I know is that I would never want anyone to hear of our story and be frightened for the life of their own child. I never want anyone to be so paralyzed by the fear of what has happened to us that it translates into a tangible fear in their own life. So then how do you balance that? How do you all walk this with us, with all of us mamas that have lost babies or experienced near-death situations, and not let it overwhelm you?

For me personally, it has been a camaraderie-thing to walk this with other mothers. To share experiences, to minister to hearts, to talk about frustrations and disappointments and the sense of loss... But for others... do you now feel like yo "know too much"? If I hadn't been in my own shoes, I'm not sure if I would want to share in this... Does this blog, or any blog for that matter, cause you to stumble? Do you compare, learn, reevaluate, laugh, renew, cry? What brings you here? Why do you do what you do?

Thank you, dear friends, for sharing in our life, for your words have supported us as we have stumbled; you have strengthened our faltering knees as you bathed us in prayer! (Job 4:4)

What are we gonna call her?

2009-06-10T12:17:00.005-05:00

A few funny things Deacon has said over the past 24 hours, just to remember where we are...

"Mama, now that baby Fef is getting bigger, what are we gonna call her?
"What do you mean, D?"
"Are we still gonna call her baby Fef or are we gonna call her big girl baby Fef?"
"Well, I'll probably just call her Faith Clare, but you can call her any of those!"
"Yeah, I think I'm gonna call her either Fef Cuar OR big girl baby Fef... she IS getting bigger you know!?"

"Deacon, I'm gonna call Ita, do you want to talk to her?"- (Ita is Dusty's mom's "grandma" name)
"Why you gonna call Ita? She's not your son... she is Daddy's!"

Oh, and how could I forget this one!
"Mama, do all big girls wear undies like that?" (referring to my less-than-full-covering bottoms). A-w-e-s-o-m-e! No more being in my room when I'm getting dressed buddy!

And one that could lead down SO many interesting roads in the future... just a few minutes ago he asked, "So mama, how did God put us together?" Sweet boy... asking so many questions. Lord, give me wisdom!!

I pray that I will always speak with wisdom, and that faithful instruction will be on my tongue. (Proverbs 31:26)

Recommitting

2009-06-07T13:41:00.005-05:00

So this blog... it's tripping me up. I honestly come here, every day in fact, planning to write something, anything, and I feel like I have nothing. There are so many things that I want to say. Things about our life, about my kids, about parenting, about Maddox with our Lord, about my frustrations, my pride, my fears, my little joys and triumphs and accomplishments... and yet, it just doesn't happen. I can't really figure out why except that more often than not, lately, I feel like I'm just living day to day.

While doing this day to day thing, I've realized is that there is great joy in living in the moment, simply going from one day to the next. But while in it, I've also come to understand (and used to know in my former me, before mommyism) that it is also CRUCIAL to have goals set forth for future attainment. I love my life. I love being home to care for my family. But, I also want to set my aspirations on something longer-term. Where do we see ourselves at this time next year? Where do we want to be in 5 years? What are our financial goals and what do they look like in the next 10 years? What do we envision our family structure looking like? How can we grow spiritually? What does that growth look like? I told Dusty on our date night last weekend that I'm feeling like I am just keeping my head above water most days. I'm managing things at home, trying to spend quality time with him and the kids, collectively and individually... but somehow I don't feel like it's enough. I'm feeling like I want more... a little more organization, and planning, and follow-through... all on my part.

Sooooo... what am I going to do? I have decided I'm going to be more intentional. Intentional about my time, my day, discipline, cleaning... Yes, no doubt such intent is a LOT more work, but I also know it will be a lot more rewarding. I realized this a few weeks back when I started a new discipline book and it talked about speaking to the HEART of our children. Ahhhh, that's where it is. All in the heart. And being intentional is what speaks to the hearts of others. To the heart of my husband, my children, my friends, my family and quite possibly to one or two of you out there!

So that's it. This is me. Here. Now. I'm committing to being more intentional, starting with documenting our life here. This blog started for one reason, but can continue for many others. Maybe I avoided it for a while, not feeling that anything could compete with the journey we walked in meeting Maddox. Other things I have come here to write have felt cheap, and trivial. Virtually any emotions I tried to express seemed vastly different to those deep and intimate ones I shared with many of you and with the Lord during the sufferings and sorrow of those months leading up to Maddox's arrival, and after his death. HOWEVER, (and this is the kicker!) I have been reminded lately that they don't have to compete. This is our life. Our journey. The ups and downs. Trivial and tremendously important. There is sure to be some serious stuff, and with my kids, there is sure to be some silliness. But it's worth it... for them and for me. So here I am- recommitting to reconnect. I asked the Lord to walk beside me through it all and He has already committed to come. Will you join me??

See, even Faith Clare wants you to come!!

"I will walk among you and be your God, and you will be my people."- Leviticus 26:12

Lovebugs

2009-06-01T22:37:00.003-05:00

"And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother."- 1 John 4:21

A Million Thanks...

2009-05-25T22:24:00.002-05:00

A million thanks to all of the servicemen and women that are deployed abroad or are serving our country domestically. We are so grateful to each of you and to your families that sacrifice so much to protect us and allow our families the freedoms that we celebrate, take advantage of and often forget. Thank you also to those families who have made the ultimate sacrifice and have watched a loved one give his/her life for our country. WE LOVE YOU AND ARE SO THANKFUL! May God find you faithful in your calling and bless you tremendously...

"The LORD had said to Abram, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you.'"- Genesis 12:1

Flying...

2009-05-12T22:51:00.003-05:00

WOW... this sweet girl of mine is already 6 months old today! The time is flying by... and she's typically just hanging out loving *almost* every moment!

Lord Jesus, I pray that you will always remind Faith Clare that she can do all things through you who gives her strength!~ Philippians 4:13

M is for Mother

2009-05-09T21:01:00.005-05:00

A is for Alliteration but M is for MOTHER...

My man makes me married. Marriage means I may multiply : ) Multiplying makes minis (mostly of my man). BUT, my children make me a mother.

Mothering is mind-boggling, many times manic AND massively magnificent. Marvelous and melancholy memories meander through my mind as I recall moments with each mini: mama's oldest masterfully memorizing scripture, my Maddox in the merciful embrace of his Maker, and my li'l missy's monstrous smile melting me. Meaningful moments with my family make me:

~Delighted to be Deacon's Mama

~Miss my Maddox

~Filled and overflowing with my Faith Clare

(Alliteration inspiration from my sweet friend MckMama)

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all you precious mothers, those with children here and those with children with the Lord. What a day to celebrate and remember... time with our children and time with our mothers. So much love and thanks to each mama!

"And the peace of God, which transcends ALL UNDERSTANDING, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."- Philippians 4:7

Screaming

2009-04-27T14:31:00.000-05:00

It's been a busy few weeks with our dynamic duo! We spent 10 days "on the road" visiting Dusty's grandmother in Arkansas and my family in Nebraska. It was busy and a rather rough trip considering the amount of time the kids spent strapped into their seats (18 hours in 2 days on the way up- 17 hours straight on the way home!), but we had a blast and are so thankful for all of the fun that we have when we're able to visit family!

Deacon loved spending time with everyone: Mimi and Papa, aunts and uncles, and especially his cousins, Aleyse and Haylee, and even the newest little one Koplin. Faith Clare still has a slight appeal to him, but mainly when his girl cousins seem to take an interest in her. He is still the only boy in my big family of girls, so here's to hoping for another boy in the family soon!! (clink, clink of the glasses!)

Faith Clare did AMAZINGLY well on the drive. To be quite honest, I was terrified and prayed so much for her since she still strongly dislikes the carseat. She slept quite a bit and I although I had to crawl in the back here and there to keep her occupied, overall I was extremely pleased. Certainly there were a few major crying bouts that were unavoidable and, well, really how could I blame her after 14 hours in the car!?

This, however, is my major issue... not just on the trip but in the car in general. Her crying. See, when she cries, it causes a chain-reaction in the car. I'm not sure if Deacon has highly sensitive ears or just has absolutely NO tolerance for loud noises, but to give you a visual, this tends to be what ensues:

FC- "ahhhhh, waaaaaa, waaaaa.... waaaaaa..."

Deacon- "Ba-a-a-a-bee Feeeef, s-t-o-p cryyyyyiiinnnnnggg" in a rather high-pitched chipmunk voice since we have now threated him when he yells at his sister

FC- "ahhhhhhh.... WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" much louder now that she is hearing "that" voice

Deacon- "Ba-Aaaa-BEEEEE FEEEEEF, STOOOOOOOP CRYYYYYYING" increasingly louder, high-pitched and annoyed (& annoying!)

Me- "Deacon, please stop. Remember, that is what babies do. They cry sometimes because they can't talk, remember?? She is just tired. The more you use that voice, the more upset she's going to get!"- with Faith Clare's loud screams still clouding the entire conversation

Deacon- Now calmer because he's afraid he'll be in trouble but still very loud "B-a-b-y Feeeeeeeeeeeeff, no-oh-oh-oh cr-y-y-y-ing" and then the part we're still laughing about "because you're gonna get company" (yep, as in Shoo Fly Don't Bother Me)

Me & Dusty- Pure laughter! What else can you do??

Deacon- "Nooooooo, it's toooo LOUD! She's hurting my EEEEAAAARRRSS!"

Thus begins the thrashing. My 3 1/2 year old is off-the-wall crazy and now the two of them are battling it out. An ugly, piercing frequency is bouncing off the walls of the Explorer and I'm seriously considering flinging myself onto the pavement as we're traveling 80 mph down the interstate. My head is POUNDING and I am on the edge myself. (Okay, to be honest, I have engaged in the screaming myself... not a pretty picture either! She is screaming, he is screaming because of her and then I am screaming at him!)

So here we are, cruising down the road- Deacon and Faith Clare screaming in the back, Dusty and I somewhat laughing up front because we are about to lose our minds and then... brilliant idea- let's roll down the windows! ...Suddenly a silence emerges. She quickly settles in and closes her eyes and he, in turn, lays his head to the side and stares out the window. WHAT?? Just windows? Within about 30 minutes my frustration level has slowly eased back down and I am calm... Ready to engage in the chaos again.

So... anyone have any similar stories? I've never heard of a child absolutely losing his mind over an infant crying in the car, but I think my son might be close... any suggestions? I laugh here... and have been on the verge of tears in the midst.

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me."- Philippians 3:12

Life & Laughter

2009-04-07T16:46:00.007-05:00

The days seem to be running away from me lately... I feel like I never have a spare moment to sit down and share all that the Lord has been doing in our lives these past few months. I will get to it... I promise! For now, I'll just share some pictures of what we have been up to the past several weeks. God has blessed us so greatly and we are filled with joy at the life and laughter that fills our home (along with the correction and crying!). Thank you for your continued prayers and love as we watch our oldest and youngest grow right in front of our eyes. God's ways are not always what I would chose, but His blessings, mercy and grace are so much sweeter than I could ever imagine... or deserve!

"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the LORD. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.'"- Isaiah 55:8-9

Pray

2009-03-25T12:53:00.005-05:00

Sweet friends, I know there are many people in need of prayer right now... I think most of us are needing prayer in one area of life or another... but as I approach you in this moment, I would ask that you specifically be in prayer for some precious babies in a fight for their lives. Please petition the Lord on their behalf~ we know He hears and we know He heals.

Baby Stellan

Baby Jonah

Baby Bolte

I would also ask that you please pray for some of my most treasured friends as they are currently pregnant and about to give birth to sweet babies... babies following the loss of a previous child. I can assure you that it is extremely emotional to be preparing for the birth of a child after having one leave to be with the Lord, so I would ask that you keep Hannah, Emily and Kim in your prayers through these upcoming hours and days.

Thank you for praying and lifting up others you might never know this side of eternity...

"Save me, I pray..."- Genesis 32:11